The Kobayashi Marue

asa nisi masa

2009-12-28T02:48:00.005-05:00

I'm lazy.

This is why the previous post is a year old. Cuz I'm lazy as shit. This is going to change. A little.

I've got a few big END OF 2009 lists to share, so I'll be posting them on here. Exactly three people will be excited by this news. The KobMaru has been missed, mostly by me. The 140 character limit of Twitter (where I've been hiding all this time as @captain_fuck) is starting to stifle me. Soon, I shall be back on here saying stupid shit about Michael Caine and Batman and Wesley Pipes and String Theory.

Also, be on the lookout for DIRTY PANDA CRIMES, a new podcast I've been developing with a few of my comrades. We've got one episode in the can and plan to record one or two more before we post.

You know you've missed me.

As Chico DeBarge once asked..."is the love still good?"

Yeah.

Blood On The Tracks? ("I Don't Want To See This On Youtube!")

2008-10-10T14:56:00.002-04:00

Number 1 inspiration for groundbreaking albums with intense replay value that everyone in the fucking world can relate to? Heartbreak.

The "break-up" album is a standard in popular music. Every artist with a long, storied discography who's had his insides shattered by some deceitful bitch at some point has managed to turn the whole painful ordeal into the kind of soulful, understanding tune-age that fills up the dead spots in all of us. Its a wondrous point in any musician's growth that everyone usually stands up and celebrates.

Well, apparently someone broke Kanye West's heart. My verdict? IMMINENT MUSICAL AWESOMENESS!!!

The first time I heard about Kanye's plans to drop a new album before year's end, I was only excited because the news came in tandem with the bit about him producing the lion's share of Jay-Z's Blueprint 3. I didn't start geeking out full-tilt boogie style until the 2008 VMA's.

I hate the VMA's, because they're boring and irrelevant, but I managed to stick around for the duration of the show (fast-forwarded, thanks to DVR) and caught the best fucking unveiling of a new song in the modern era of pop culture consumption in a long time.

Kanye, on a stark, dark stage, looking like a scruffy Marvin Gaye cover-act. That heartbeat bass. The glowing red heart on his chest. The hard-charging Taiko drums. That fucking CHORUS> "Love Lockdown" was, and is, a work in progress. It's a spare track that sounds like its not finished, incomplete. Not whole. Basically the voice of any man who's been hurt.

I've heard three million and seven remixes, but the song's untouchable. Every Kanye album has at least one song where he's stretches the boundaries of what is expected of him. Late Registration's "Addiction" is the closest thing in his catalogue to this kind of straightforward, swag-less love track, but if this is where his head is at, I want more, dammit, and I don't want to have to wait the extra month til he hastily releases 808's & Heartbreak.

Thanks YouTube! What? An even fatter beat? More twinkling piano keys? Another murderous hook? Did you tear up, because I don't care what it says about my masculinity, but I did.

Both "Love Lockdown" and "Heartless" perfectly capture what makes Kanye West so unique in the hip-hop landscape. He's a regular dude. In the producer's booth, he's a monster of epic proportions, an improbable beast who culls epic drum patterns with synapse numbing basslines and the slightest, barely off-kilter meanderings to create beats that blaze hotter than a red sun. On the mic, however, his swaggerific musings border on the hysterical, his posturing all the more endearing when coupled with his self deprecation, hypocrisy and indisputable passion.

"You gotta love it tho/somebody still speaks from his soul..."

He's one of a kind. Lots of underground hip-hoppers drop shit like this, but not the way Kanye does. He's a populist phenomenon. He takes whatever he's feeling and turns it into hit songs. There's something admirable about someone creating something so universal, and at the same time so personal. That's what art strives to be, and when Kanye West is left to his own devices, not forced to worry about making Jay-Z sound cool over soul samples, or giving T.I. something to trap over, that's what he achieves.

I hate that the man was obviously hurt, but I love that he's sharing his pain with us.

"You Never Shoot A Guy In The Dick!"

2008-10-10T14:03:00.002-04:00

It's been like 3 months since I popped on here to share my peculiar (but endlessly fucking desirable) insight into the world of popular culture, so I know some cats been fiending out there for awhile now (namely one kid whose name rhymes with Mack Turk). I've just been keeping busy with a myriad of other shit and, quite frankly, wasn't crazy digging on anything enough to waste verbiage on the internets about it.

I won't bore you with what I've been up to. If you know me well enough, you can fill in the blanks with triple shot screwdrivers, long conversations about Kurt Vonnegut and copious replays of TV On The Radio's live version of "Ambulance." If not, just pretend my busy months were some cool amalgamation of the works of Jack Kerouac and the cinema of Seijun Suzuki (shout out to Tokyo Drifter!)

Top Ten Time: Been Keepin' The Conductor Busy --

1) Did I mention TVOTR's new album Dear Science? Because its fucking awesome. Tunde, Dave, Kyp and the guys basically staked their claim as my favorite band on Earth (this month anyway...) and even managed to surpass the already insurmountable awesomeness that was Return To Cookie Mountain.

The album's production sounds like Prince, Thriller-era Quincy Jones, Peter Gabriel, Brian Eno, Fela Kuti and Aunt Jemima got together to create the most sugary, bass-y, hard-hitting, funky prog-rock syrup to unclog your ears in today's trying ass times. You'll have something to dance and fuck to while chewing on Tunde's ruminations in today's unsure society (and if "Lover's Day" doesn't make you want to fuck someone til their spine's twisted, then you're libido needs a check-up.)

2) Heroes is the new Lost.

I know people have been saying it for years and shit, but the new season just reminds me that for every awesome ass moment they deliver us (SYLAR AND PETER ARE BROTHERS???) there's another head scratching moment that makes me hate how sophomoric their writing team is (So, now HALF the cast can time travel and/or be indestructable? Really? Did you guys learn nothing from early 90s X-Men comics?)

If Claire wasn't so hot and Zachary Quinto so badass, I'd've dropped this shit like a bad habit before the writer's strike. Watch your back, NBC.

3) Burn After Reading was a nice Coens flick. If No Country For Old Men is their Hellboy (we're using Mike Mignola here) then this is their Amazing Screw-On Head, a random, satisfying cum shot release after a difficult, terse, and somber piece of work. These guys like to have fun, and this movie reminded me of that.

4) Shia LaBeuf and I should hang out. I just watched Eagle Eye and that dude is cool. Other than him, the only thing making me feel like a 14 yr old white girl of late is Fall Out Boy. Their Clinton Sparks hosted mixtape Welcome To The New Administration was surprisingly listenable, and the two songs from their new album are both pretty fantastic. This coupled with their highly bangable cover of "Love Lockdown" have re-ignited my public/secret affection for the musical stylings of Patrick Stump and his goofy hat/mutton chop combinations.

5) Empire of The Sun is a cool band. I know nothing about them (nor do I feel like digging) other than the fact that "Walking On A Dream" is a catchy fucking song. They also have the coolest album cover of the year (find it your damn self.)

6) Is it just me, or is "Dead & Gone" the new T.I., Justin Timba-Lake collabo a certified burner that blows away most of the rest of Paper Trail?

7) I'm more excited about Murs For President than I am about the actual election. Any dude who can sample the Green Hornet theme and a James Blunt song on an underground hip-hop album deserves to rake in some sales, which makes me feel even more guilty for not buying his album.

8) Phonte from Little Brother is a dope MC, and a cool ass dude. If listening to his interludes on the Justus League/Little Brother mixtape "And Justus For All..." doesn't make you want to quit your shitty ass job, buy an MPC, make beats and put out music, then I don't know what will you lazy backpacker.

9) I wish DIPLO could remix my life, and sample the horns from "Careless Whisper" like he did for Paper Route Gangstaz (it'd also be cool if Blaqstarr did some extra cuts for the EP.)

10) I read Quentin Tarantino's new screenplay. INSTANT CLASSIC.

QT + Nazis + French Film Overtones = AWESOMESAUCE.

Stay tuned, kiddies...

Been Keeping Busy

2008-07-24T11:51:00.002-04:00

Once again, I've fallen behind on posting. I've got a few pieces I'm working on that might find their way on to the internets tomorrow, but for now I'll just give you an idea of the type of shit that's been consuming my time and attention (aside from work and drinking):

1) Dr. Horrible's Sing-Along Blog

Joss Whedon kills it again with this musical, super-villain series of webisodes he created in collaboration with two of his brothers. It stars Neil Patrick Harris and Nathan Fillion and is all sorts of awesome. Too bad you didn't hear about it earlier, or you could have watched it for free at drhorrible.com Now you have to go to iTunes. See? It pays to be ahead of the nerdy curve.

Here's a trailer taste:

2) The Black Kids - Partie Traumatic

I loved their Wizard of Ahhs EP to pieces, but this full-length debut from The Black Kids (a semi-appropriate name, there's like 3 black people in the band) is just all sorts of fantastic. It's filled to the gills with kitschy, catchy dance pop bangers about unfaithful girlfriends, charming boys, and random sex. If you don't find yourself singing the hooks to "I Want To Be Your Limousine" or "Love Me Already" or the long-popular lead single "I'm Not Gonna Teach Your Boyfriend How To Dance With You" then you probably don't want to have any fun anyway, in which case, eat a dick.

3) THE DARK KNIGHT

I saw 3 times already and I'm probably not gonna stop there. I won't write a review, as I doubt I'd be capable of refraining from using words like "awesome," "orgasmic," and "kick-ass." You might see some Batman-related bloggage coming up, and if you're already tired of me talking about Batman, then go complain to Heath Ledger.

Too soon?

4) Olivia O'Lovely retiring

One of my top 5 fav porn stars is apparently calling it quits, or she might just be pulling an M.I.A. and giving fuck flicks a rest for the time being. Either way it is a sad day for lotion and tissues everywhere. She shot a short series of farewell scenes for the guys over at BangBros Her FuckTeamFive episode is pretty excellent, but her AssParade scene with Lacey Duvalle is the real keeper. Olivia will be sorely missed. Here's hoping she makes a Janine esque comeback in a few years.

5) Diplo & Santogold - Top Ranking

In the vein of M.I.A.'s Piracy Funds Terrorism Vol. 1, Diplo and Maya Arulpragasm devotee Santogold have released a diverse and exciting mixtape full of remixes, dub songs, and covers. XXXChange's remix of "L.E.S. Artistes" is pretty awesome, as are Santogold's cover of The Clash's "Guns of Brixton" (here as "Guns of Brooklyn") and the Diplo mix of "I'm A Lady" with my Spank Rock collabing home girl Amanda Blank.

The track making the most noise is the M.I.A. featuring, Gorilla Zoe sampling cut "Get It Up." It's every bit as hot as the blogosphere would have you believe. The mixtape isn't too hard to find if you're interested, or hit up Hype Machine for some of the leaked tracks.

Hip-Hop's Not Dead (THE NIGGER REVIEW)

2008-07-09T09:46:00.003-04:00

French filmmaker/critic Jean-Luc Godard once said that were cinema as we know it to perish, not only would Rebel Without A Cause director Nicholas Ray have the talent and skill to reinvent it, but that he possessed the desire to do so. I feel like if Hip Hop really did die, the same could be said for Nas.

Before I go into details, I just want to say that Nas' new "Untitled" LP is the best rap CD of the year (sorry, Wayne.) Beneath all the swagtastic veneer and all of the image-driven bullshit, hip hop has always been elemental. It's like a flowing river of black strength that can be tapped into by anyone that finds something of themselves in it.

I know that's a bit too Iron Fist, but there's a magical thing happening in even the most derivative rap songs that more than explains how such an upstart musical genre could gain so much relevance in so little time. It doesn't just appeal to black people, but its undeniable that the strife and plight of black people in America is the flame that keeps the lantern burning.

Personally, I've always felt on the fence about the sociopolitical implications of hip hop as a whole and I've always been content to just enjoy drum-and-bass driven "black Superhero Music" as Jay-Z once called it. Hip hop at its best is uplifting, inspiring, powerful and fun, even when its shedding light on the dark corners of society we like to leave in the shadows. Nas gets this, and for the first time in a long time, I get Nas.

I used to fuck with Nas. Its blasphemy that I've never really listened to Illmatic but I've always enjoyed his brand of politicized power anthems and cinematically crafted street tales. I even didn't mind when he pretended he lost his fucking mind and did a booty-jam with Timbaland and Ginuwine (fuck you, I like "You Owe Me.") My perception of both Nas the artist and Nas the cultural entity were pretty shifted after the Jay-Z beef and the release of his last LP Hip-Hop Is Dead, but neither really for the negative. I just didn't consider him to be as ill an MC as most, and I kind of wrote him off.

I started to see him as this bitter, perpetual Number 2 raging out at the current state of black pop culture to try and stay in the spotlight. I thought the last album was an interesting concept, but the music made me feel like he was just grasping at straws. Promotional interviews and subsequent listens told me otherwise. Nas is the equivalent of a rock band who's been touring for 20 years and is just starting to understand how much they really love music (and it's really hard to argue with a line like "oh I think they like me/in my white tee/can't ice me, we here for life, b.") Nas is rap music's classic rock, and with Untitled, he just released his A Bigger Bang.

Nas has released the hip hop album we NEED in today's times. It's zeitgeisty, socially relevant, full of insight and, lest we forget, heavily bangable. Its the work of a seasoned veteran who's workman like skill makes an album this good look that easy to produce. I loved Tha Carter III but it lacks a cohesive structure and any real themes, and the last rap album I really got behind, American Gangster, was awash in themes and cohesion, but it lacked strong ties to the present with its movie-homaging and nostalgia.

Nas has made an album for right fucking now, and if you can't feel it, can't hear the utter necessity in his rhymes and the aesthetic wonder of the beats, then honestly? Fuck you. You're the reason Soulja Boy has money. You want to keep dumbing it down and shaking your ass, do it. Just don't bitch to me when music loses all its heart.

I think everybody has a little revolutionary in them, and its the mark of a true artist when they can bring it out in song. Untitled is equal parts soulful, militant, darkly comic, and frightening. The lead single "Be A Nigger Too," conspicuously absent from the final track list, was a great primer for what the album is all about. Controversy intertwined with true heart and an in-your-face intensity that refuses to be denied.

"N.I.G.G.E.R. (The Master and The Slave)" is a beautifully crafted anthem that is as heartwrenching as it is inspirational, echoing sentiments that permeate the LP. Even a clearly made-for-radio track like Polow's "Hero" or the Chris Brown and The G ame guesting "Make The World Go Round" sidestep the awkwardness Lil' Wayne experienced trying to crossover with T-Pain by virtue of the earnestness in Nas' approach. Mark Ronson produces a upbeat cut with Busta Rhymes called "Fried Chicken" that tells the cautionary tale of the black man's love for things that are so obviously not good for them. Only an artist as absurd and high energy as Busta could make a song this concept-y seem so real.

There's some controversy over the Salaam Remi produced track "You Can't Stop Us Now" that sounds nearly identical to the similarly named RZA song of off Digi Snax. Both men flipped the same sample, but I have to say I prefer Nas' take. The drums are more palatable and the hook actually means something. Nas crafts a worthy rallying cry that is undeniable in its sense of soul and self. RZA's track is hot too, but mostly aimless.

I could go on forever about tracks like "Black President," the fairly self-explanatory, Tupac-sampling, DJ Green Lantern produced track that closes the album or the title track "Untitled" or a personal favorite of mine "Y'all My Niggas," a song that makes even this culturally confused mullato rock a black power fist. Nas constantly splits time between inspirational soothesaying, rebellious fight music, social semantics and the pained, blatant, bloated bling-bragging designed to remind us that riches are a fucking joke. Nas seems equally a victim and an attacker of the paper chasing that's befell so many other rappers.

"I was thinking a little bit/what would it take to authenticate my niggerness?/ball ridiculous/26 inches when I call up the dealership?/aww, that's some nigger shit."

For my money, the best track on the album is "Sly Fox," the most biting, incendiary social commentary in a hip hop song in a long time. Nasir Jones declares war on Fox News, Rupert Murdoch, Bush (big surprise), CBS, Bill O'Reilly and pretty much anybody else who is pissing him off at the moment. "The fox has a bushy tail/and bush tells lies that fox trots/and I don't know what's real." "O'Reilly, oh really? No rally needed, I'll tie you up." The last time I heard a black man this angry I was reading a play by Amiri Baraka.

It's all there. All the ingredients for hip-hop brilliance, expertly baked into a seven-layer chocolate cake. Eat it up, bitches.

The Top 5 Albums of The First Half of 2008

2008-07-02T11:43:00.004-04:00

Is it too early for a top 5 of the year list? Yeah, by about six months, but fuck it. We're Christmas shopping in July.

Lykke Li - Youth Novels

Discounting how in love with her I am, this is a beautiful collection of recorded songs. The two main things music I enjoy tends to make me want to do is cry or dance, and with Ms. Li I can always do both. The gorgeous track "Let It Fall" is a prime example of how Lykke Li's voice and Bjorn Yttling's production equates sadness with sex. "I like it soft, I like it wet, I like my make-up in a mess" could easily be describing both the act of making love and the act of "getting the sad out." There's a borderline twee innocence about her but its overshadowed by the sheer depth of emotion on display in these songs. There won't be an album this catchy, thoughtful or engaging all year.

Lil' Wayne - Tha Carter III

It wasn't the monster everyone wanted, but it's a damn solid rap album. A little front-loaded with killer tracks and a sagging third act like a Miramax film, Weezy still delivers one of the most satisfying hip-hop drops in a long time. Come for the pop stylings of "Lollipop" and the swagoliciousness (just made up a word, eat a dick) of "A Milli," but stay for the quiet, soulful ruminations of tracks like "Tie My Hands" and "Shoot Me Down." Do what I did and delete "La La" from your playlist entirely. I defy someone to make a more engrossing rap cd this year (do you hear me Nas & 3 Stacks?)

The Last Shadow Puppets - The Age of Understatement

Timeless. Intriguing. Endless replay value. Some of the most epic orchestration on a non-classical album in recent memory. Tales of love lost, found and remembered. Lush, cinematic music made by a bloke from Sheffield who got his start with songs with names like "Chun-Li's Spinning Bird Kick." What's not to love? The fact that there's only 12 tracks and they aren't touring in the U.S. yet. Otherwise? Nothing. Absolutely nothing at all.

The Wombats - A Guide To Love, Loss & Desperation

If you like the introverted musings of The Cure, or The Smiths or Pulp but you like to smile and dance your beta male romantic insecurities away with guitar-driven pop rock, herky-jerky jams, then The Wombats are for you. If a song called "Let's Dance To Joy Division" makes you chuckle by its title alone, The Wombats are for you. If a line like "I only meant to say farewell but I spilled more than my drink/I can't remember exactly what I said, but I remember being chased up the street." hits too close to home, The Wombats are for you. Tales of falling for strippers, doctors, girls in bars, brides. They're like T-Pain, with guitars and no auto-tune.

Girl Talk - Feed The Animals

I don't even have to explain why this album is killer dope. Mary J. Blige singing "Real Love" over The Guess Who's "These Eyes." Lil' Wayne rapping over "Nothing Compares 2 U" and "Under The Bridge." "Roc Boys" and "Paranoid Android." Pimp C (RIP) rapping over The Spencer Davis Group. "Renegade" turned into some sort of crazy party banger. Lil' Mama and Metallica? "Flashing Lights" and Blackstreet? Daft Punk may be playing at James Murphy's house, but Girl Talk is DJing my fucking wedding, and I'm single.

HONORABLE MENTION - WHY IT WASN'T PICKED

Death Cab For Cutie (Narrow Stairs) - Amazing, but too fucking sad.

N.E.R.D. (Seeing Sounds) - Also amazing, but I'm still digesting it

Beck (Modern Guilt) - Fantastic, but I downloaded it this morning. Too soonsies.

Coldplay (Viva La Vida) - I value people's opinion of me.

Wolf Parade (At Mount Zoomer) - I'm only feeling about half of it.

Madonna (Hard Candy) - I actually do want to include it, but I'm too lazy to re-write this post.

Britney Is The New Tom (Cruise, Not The Myspace A-Hole)

2008-07-02T09:00:00.002-04:00

As promised yesterday, I'm gonna tell you why Britney Spears' most recent release, Blackout is the dance pop equivalent of Mission Impossible III. I understand that such a simple comparison is basic Klosterman-y pop sociology 101, but I've long been a populist apologist who becomes enamored by certain phenomenon (or lack thereof) way too late (for whatever reason, I always fall in love with Spoon albums exactly a year after their release) and this is the best way I could find to discuss both. Lucky me my opinions dovetail.

It should be obvious (by sheer virtue of me wasting this much time discussing said subjects) that I enjoyed both Britney's album and Tom's movie, but for whatever reason, i feel like the only one on both accounts. Anyone who reads People or watches any amount of television can draw the parallels between the stars:

1) They both suffer from media over-saturation.
2) They both were widely considered to be the biggest at what they do (Britney - dancing in skimpy outfits to hugely successful pop music. Tom - Running really fast and being cool in borderline homoerotic blockbuster films.)
3) They're both apparently batshit insane.

Now, neither Blackout nor MI3 were exactly panned critically or commercially. They both did respectable numbers and were accepted for what they were, but for me, both projects should have helped to get their respective stars out of their public relations nightmare holes.

Blackout is a modern, shimmery dance pop record that is easily the best and most consistent of Britney's career, sufficiently catapulting her into Madonna territory, while MI3 is a thrilling, deftly executed, character-driven action piece that runs away with the series and is perfect popcorn pop candy. What more of a comeback could the general public expect? Surely this would be the end of the Best Week Ever bashing and water-cooler joke-offs about both formerly beloved pop icons?

Such was not the case.

Tom is still a joke and most people wonder if he's still worth the $20 mil and Britney, well, the less said about Ms. Spears the better. I just don't get why. Blackout is fucking fire, and who the hell doesn't love a little Tom Cruise/ Philip Seymour Hoffman fight action? Several people, apparently, but fuck, it just isn't right.

There are two major arguments as to why these comebacks didn't exactly, well, come back. The first is fairly logical, and the second one is a bit of a stretch, but personally, I feel very very valid.

ARGUMENT 1:

Both Blackout and MI3 are a better showcase for the people behind the scenes than the stars on the cover.

The primary producer behind Brit's album was longtime Timbaland-sidekick Danjahandz. If Timbo is Batman and Danja Dick Grayson, this album is his Nightwing moment. Flying solo, he manages to show how he could hang with such a superproducer and not get dwarfed. We've seen his futuristic soundscapes before, most notably on the DJ Khaled posse cut "We Takin' Over" and the underrated Trey Songz burner "Wonder Woman." In addition to being a chief architect of the synthy sound Big Timmy's turned into a radio-smothering trend, he also did a lot of work on Duran Duran's last album (beats that, really, would've been better used elsewhere.)

Along with some help from T-Pain, Keri Hilson and Sean Garrett on writing duties, Pharrell producing a track and the additional production work of Bloodshy & Avant and The Clutch, Danja makes Britney sound less like a TRL joke than she has since she arrived. She actually sounds like a woman (a one-dimensional, sex-hungry woman, but a woman nonetheless.) It's a step into Janet Jackson territory that tracks like "Toxic" only hinted at.

As much of a triumph it is for Britney, Blackout is really Danja's solo coming out party, proving to the world he can handle his own business without Timbaland behind him making weird noises with his mouth.

Ditto J.J. Abrams, the television god who made his film directing debut with MI3. Yes, he was criticized for not having a strong mastery of the widescreen and that his framing was too "TV" but the movie proved that J.J. was ready to run with the big dogs, as evidenced by his being hired to revamp the Star Trek franchise with untold millions of Paramount's money. He did Tom justice, no doubt, but it was his show as well.

ARGUMENT 2

Gravitas.

For all intents and purposes, Blackout should've been widely considered THE dance record of the year. Too bad M.I.A. released Kala in the same year. You see, as much as people don't like to admit it, Britney and M.I.A. are the same kind of artist. They both make female driven dance pop. The main difference is that while Britney is thought of as vapid and radio-friendly, M.I.A. has more gravitas by virtue of the fact that her music is more global and she occasionally shouts out things that sound vaguely political.

Dance pop is generally repetitive and empty music made to dance to, and Britney delivers that in spades. The song structures and hooks on Blackout are sugary and easy to digest, but SO ARE THE ONES ON KALA! Just because Britney is talking about fucking and M.I.A. is talking about third world democracies, doesn't instantly make her album better.

How is "Hands up. Guns out. Represent the world town." any less bullshit than "Gimme gimme more..." (For further understanding of the vacancy of the M.I.A. formula, listen to Santogold, who is basically M.I.A. but talking about what appears to be absoluetely nothing at all.) Both are totally vague, empty statements designed for repeat recitations while gyrating your hips. Fans react to both of them the same way. They dance, sing a long and fantasize about fucking the singer. Just because the guy fantasizing about fucking M.I.A. is wearing a Che Guevara shirt doesn't make her album BETTER.

It annoys me that M.I.A. gets all of this extra love based on a flip-side of the type of soulless imagery marketing people constantly criticize major labels for propagating. Probably the same way it annoys Tom Cruise that he was doing the same shit Matt Damon was doing in the Bourne series, but since Paul Greengrass had darker lighting and shakier cameras, his film got the love and awards while Tom seemed like an unimaginative douchebag. It seems all you have to do in this world to seem more legitimate is to abstractly invoke the post 9/11 landscape and look moderately morose.

If Tom had put on some Jack Bauer angst or if Britney had worn a dashiki, I imagine they both could have gotten in on the action, but that's just the way it is. Things designed to be popular and enjoyed on a massive scale are supposed to get lambasted or ignored by the intellectual elite. If Britney Spears isn't "commercial", then how can M.I.A. be so "cutting-edge?" Britney Spears and Tom Cruise are like populist, sacrificial lambs, making it easier for people to like danish filmmakers and Sri-Lankan dance crazes.

It may sound like I don't like M.I.A. I don't. I love her. Ditto Jack Bauer and Matt Damon. I'm not saying these things suck or are lacking. I just wish my man Tom and my girl Brit could get a little of that elitist love themselves. We all know they cry into their money-filled pillows every night craving it. Why not give them a little?

A Few Questions...

2008-07-02T08:38:00.003-04:00

- Isn't it cute in Lloyd's new song that totally jacks the beat to Eric B. & Rakim's "Paid In Full" when Weezy playfully jacks the opening of Rakim's verse ("I'm thinking of a master plan...")? I guess that's what you call "Recycling, R-E-Reciting..."

- Is Will Smith ever going to play a dickhead who STAYS a dickhead and doesn't get rehabilitated at some point in his film's running time? Don't you want to see him in a Neil LaBute play as a raving misogynist? Just ONCE in my life, I want to see Will Smith call someone a "cunt." Where's David Mamet when you need him?

How great would it be to see Smith in a role like this?

- Why does it get harder to give a fuck about Wu-solo albums not involving Ghostface? I wanted so badly to care about RZA's new Digi Snax but all I could muster was a love for lead single "You Can't Stop Me Now." There's just such an abundance of side-projects and spin-offs that I only have a finite amount of give-a-fuck juice for my Wu-bredren.

- Is it just me, or does all of network television seem irrelevant after the WGA strike? It's really hard for me to get into shows anymore. All I do now is worry about the impending Actors' strike, and we know actors are a lot less reasonable than writers.

- After watching Wanted, don't you wish Morgan Freeman and Samuel L. Jackson would team up in a buddy movie about two hitmen who run around spouting cool one-liners, cursing and being generally awesome? Don't you wish they were both your really cool uncles who bought you booze when you were sixteen and would talk your mom into getting you cooler gifts? Doesn't the word "fuck" just sound so good coming out of their mouths?

It does.

It so does.

It's Been A Long Time...

2008-07-01T11:42:00.003-04:00

On the off chance there's anyone out there who's missed my ravings on matters trivial and overblown, the wait is nearly over. I've been busy with work, excessive drinking and writing a script, but be on the lookout Thursday for some bloggy-hotness.

What to look for:

- Me equating Britney Spears' last album with Mission Impossible III.
- Me making a bullshit list of the top 5 albums of the first half of '08.
- Maybe a review of Wanted.
- The first Porn Star V. Indie Songstress in forevs.
- Possibly a profile on Jude Law and why he'll never be as respected as he probably should.

Until then, enjoy this video of Lykke Li & El Perro Del Mar singing "After Laughter Come Tears."

Remember:
"I don't believe in the no-win situation."

Comeback Central: Located At 221-B Baker Street?

2008-06-17T11:09:00.003-04:00

Before I get into how tantalizing a thought the above image is (and it is very, very tantalizing), let's talk about Guy Ritchie.

Guy Ritchie is a man of many mistakes. Well, one really. He married Madonna and fell victim to Gavin Rosdale Syndrome (a debilitating disease in which an otherwise affable and talented bloke is turned into a baby-sitter by his hot and famous pop-star wife.) Ritchie is responsible for two of the coolest movies of all time (Lock, Stock & 2 Smoking Barrels and Snatch) as well as one of the worst (Swept Away, his Madge-starring remake of the classic Italian film that left him in director jail obscurity.)

The man who helped make Jason Statham a household(ish) name tried making a comeback with Revolver, a mixed-reviewed movie I still haven't seen but apparently am not exactly missing out on. Now, it appears, the man who made quick-cuts, cockney accents and shaggy-dog heist stories a humorously post-modern genre all their own has weaseled his way into a comeback.

I say "weaseled" because, in all honesty, the only reason Ritchie's latest film RockNRolla is getting even the slightest hint of a buzz is because it stars Gerard Butler, the 300 star Warner Bros. would have hired Hitler to direct if it meant they could keep some more of that Sparta money coming their way. Joel Silver was so pleased with the new (as yet unreleased) film that he let leak that he wanted Guy to helm his long-in-development adaptation of the legendary WWII-set DC Comic Sgt. Rock.

Now, there's a concept I can get behind. A man who is really good at having people shoot each other with witty one-liners doing a WWII film based on a comic book. That actually sounds like a greenlight waiting to happen. Then Warner Bros. (a company who I lose little droplets of respect for with every passing day) announced that they want Guy to direct their latest hope at a new franchise: SHERLOCK FUCKING HOLMES.

Okay. Now, I love me some Arthur Conan Doyle. Sherlock is one of my favorite characters in literary history. His mythology is rich and he's just fucking cool. It's been ages since Hollywood made a serviceable adaptation of any of his stories (unless you count the entirety of Law & Order: Criminal Intent which is, for the most part anyway, just Dick Wolf and former showrunner Rene Balcer remaking Sherlock as a neurotic NYPD Detective.) I just have one qualm.

Guy Ritchie is good at a great many things (well, that's a stretch,) but nuanced mystery has yet to be proven among them. There's pretty much only one individual that could get signed and get me excited about this project.

NOW BACK TO THAT PICTURE:

Robert Downey Jr. is one of the few, proud actors in Hollywood that can play pretty much any part given to him. A lot of people think of Johnny Depp when they think of that type of actor, but fuck him. I like him, sure, but he's no Bobby DJ (yes, I just made up that nickname. Feel free to co-sign.) Now that Iron Man is making hundreds of millions of dollars, Downey is finally A-List after 20+ years in the biz. That means he's getting asked to join more projects than the only smart kid in a science class in the slums.

Of those projects (which include another detective franchise and a fantasy movie from the guy who did Seabiscuit, and a movie about cowboys and aliens titled, yes, Cowboys & Aliens) the only one I think could sufficiently supplement Iron Man is Sherlock.

Who else could imbue the part with the charm, intellect, wit and presence needed to make Sherlock a modern, kick-ass action hero (something I'm guessing WB wants to do if they have Guy fucking Ritchie directing based on some unpublished comic that casts Holmes as more swashbuckling than junkie-know-it-all.)

Personally, I think this movie has serious potential. I just hope they get someone who isn't Guy to pen the script (preferably someone with gravitas, like The Queen's Peter Morgan, or a master craftsman like Michael Clayton scribe Tony Gilroy) and don't go too far in the direction of making Sherlock James Bond.

They could always take a page out of the Green Hornet sidekick dynamic playbook and have Jason Statham play Watson as an ass-kicking, McDreamy-esque doctor who aids his friend Sherlock by kicking dudes in the head and driving expensive, European cars very, very fast.

Either way, this franchise has serious potential, so long as they don't replace all the interesting subtlety of the Holmes mythology with British gangsters and explosions. Well, not TOO many explosions, anyway.

R.I.P. Stan Winston

2008-06-17T10:59:00.002-04:00

The man is responsible for arguably the best make-up effects work in the history of cinema (no offense, Rick Baker.) He's responsible for everything from Terminator to Jurassic Park even to the recent Iron Man. I have nothing to say that merely reading off his imdb credentials wouldn't better illustrate.

He will be sorely missed.

A Movie Ostensibly About Kicking

2008-06-17T10:49:00.003-04:00

Look, I don't fucking care what the plot of Ong Bak 2 is and neither should you. All you need to know is that fight master extraordinaire Tony Jaa is making his directorial debut with a tenuously connected sequel to the film that made him big all over the world.

THINGS YOU CAN EXPECT IN ONG BAK 2:

- Tony Jaa cutting off a dude's head with a sword.
- Tony Jaa hopping on elephants.
- Tony Jaa hitting people accompanied by that awesome bone-crunching sound.
- Tony Jaa impregnating a young woman by kicking her in the face with his dick*

* one of these is made up.

Here's the trailer:

And, because I know you can't get enough of people getting kicked, here's a trailer for a film puzzingly titled Chocolate from the guy who directed the first Ong Bak/. In point of fact, it's just like Ong Bak, only with a chick, which actually makes it potentially awesomer than Ong Bak.

Time will tell.

Strange Fruit (Hanging From The "Pop" Tree)

2008-06-12T11:44:00.006-04:00

Tha Carter III may be hogging all of the spotlight as the "IT" rap album of '08 (if for no reason than people aren't widely aware that Andre 3000 is putting out a disc in the fall), but that doesn't mean it necessarily IS the "IT" album of the year. My smart money for that is on Nas' new controversial release, Nigger.

Yeah, yeah. I know. He "changed the title" so Wal-Mart would carry it and shit, but its the Nigger album. I wanted to get a job at a record store just to hear PC-people struggle to ask for it. Who the fuck is actually going to be referring to it as Untitled? Besides, I kind of like the new "edited" album cover. It looks a helluva lot more powerful than Nas in a rocking chair under the infamous N-word.

Judging on the strength of the Polow Da Don-produced single "Hero" (yes, Polow, you are forgiven for "Love In This Club") I think this album might have a strong chance at instant classic status. That, or at least Nas will accomplish being entertaining and expressing his own controversial views while selling records. That'd be nice. A top selling hip hop album unencumbered by a club banging radio-hit. Be Illmatic Or Die Tryin.

The real clincher for me is the new Rik Cordero-directed short film video for "Be A Nigger Too." It smacks of "99 Problems" and some of the work Anthony Mandler has done for Common and leans a little on the side of pretension, but I love the song. Keep an eye out for cameos from The Wire's Andre Royo and Harold And Kumar's John Cho.

Now, I'll leave you with a nice salvo for the actual release, which I think is scheduled for mid-July. DJ Green Lantern and Nas just released this fire mixtape and it features a nice, bangable preview of what to expect.

Nas & DJ Green Lantern present - The Nigger Tape

The Return Of The 'Tunes or, "I See Sounds."

2008-06-06T13:32:00.003-04:00

Do remember, back a few years ago, when seemingly every radio hit sounded like it was written and produced by The Neptunes? That's because Pharrell Williams and Chad Hugo had pretty much taken over pop music. No longer content to just produce club bangers for hip-hoppers (N.O.R.E.'s "Superthug" is a highlight of that early era), they graduated to Quincy Jones status by crafting hits for Britney Spears, Justin Timberlake, your mom, etc. Joining the ranks of Timbaland before them (and I suppose T-Pain and Akon after them), they weren't just producers. They were SUPERproducers.

All that was enough to make them staples in the pop cultural landscape, but they also, along with friend Shae Haley, formed a band called N.E.R.D. Their debut In Search Of... was an instant classic, fusing so many genres and sounds that it could only be described as "...that Neptune sound..." (thanks Jay.) Their follow-up Fly Or Die was equally dope, but didn't catch on quite the same.

Around that time, things started to change for the Neptunes. Pharrell became more and more ubiquitous, finding solo success (sort of) with In My Mind and all of his other Chad-less collaborations. Chad spent more time with his family as well as doing production work as "Chase Chad" for friend Kenna's debut album. Newer Neptunes-crafted hits are conspicuously devoid of Chad Hugo songwriting credits, as Pharrell did a lot of the work on Clipse's Hell Hath No Fury solo. With less and less radio hits and more time apart, beatheads were worried The 'Tunes would go the way of Outkast.

Luckily, that hasn't happened.

Right on the heels of Neptunes production work making a resurgence with their excellent work on Madonna's Hard Candy, N.E.R.D. has come back strong with their third LP, Seeing Sounds. It hits stores on June 10th and is already a shoo-in for my Top 5 of '08 list. Not since The New Pornographers first-three album streak has anyone consistently released pop music this good. My ears have not felt this good in some time.

We already know how money the first two singles, "Everyone Nose" and "Spazz," are, but every track on the album is of this caliber. From the Hives-guesting "Time For Some Action" to the epic track "Sooner Or Later," the album is nearly flawless.

(I say nearly because "Love Bomb," while cute and Lennon-esque in the mold of the middle third of Fly or Die, is kind of annoying. Also, Shae is still widely useless, but what are you gonna do? Everyone needs a Ringo.)

"Anti-Matter" and "Kill Joy" both exhibit a frenetic, party-ready exuberance that is both welcome and applaudable. Another highlight is "Happy," as sexy and exciting as it is dreamy and suprisingly pop-rock-ish. So far, my favorite track is "Yeah You," a jazzy, smooth rumination on stalker-y, crazy girls that Pharrell probably has to deal with on a regular basis.

The Neptunes are back on their grizzy, and if the rumors are true, this bodes very well for the propsed CRS (Pharrell, Lupe, Kanye) supergroup release. If nothing else, I now really want to see them live on the Glow In The Dark tour.

Cop this album! Highest possible recommendation.

N.E.R.D. - Anti-Matter
N.E.R.D. - Windows
N.E.R.D. - Yeah You

5 Songs You Should Be Listening To

2008-06-03T10:58:00.004-04:00

Yes, watch as I force my musical obsessions onto you.

Kleerup f. Robyn - With Every Heartbeat

Further proof that Swedish people know how to make fucking pop music. I randomly discovered Kleerup (full name Andreas Kleerup), a record producer, because one of the other tracks on his self-titled debut compilation features Lykke Li (my future Wifey.) This track is crazy catchy, delicious and good for you. It's like if Total cereal tasted like Cinnamon Toast Crunch, but in music form.

The Wombats - Bleeding Love

First off: I fucking LOVE The Wombats. If you don't have A Guide To Love Loss & Desperation you are sorely missing out, my friend. They make the kind of angular, witty, brit rock that makes me happy inside. Conversely, I fucking HATE Leona Lewis. Her hit single "Bleeding Love" is so sickly catchy that I often find myself wanting to bludgeon her into submission with a stack of NME Magazine back issues. This cover, however, is fantastic. It turns the saccharine nature of her lyrics and gives them a post-punk-y edge I can swallow. "Bleeding Love" could be this year's "Since U Been Gone," "Crazy" or "Umbrella" as far as indie pop covers go. This needs to be in a movie.

MC Chris - Older Crowd

MC Chris is my fav nerdcore rapper. It takes alot to rap about video games, anime, comic books and computers and NOT sound like a one-trick, in-joke pony. His new LP MC Chris Is Dead is a little bit dancier than his previous releases, and this track is the pinnacle of that. Weaving a tale of aging hipster, looming mid-life crisis horror that would make James Murphy blush, Chris manages to do what all rap music should: express himself expertly while making us want to dance. This song plays in the background every time I leave my apartment.

The Foxboro Hot Tubs - Ruby Room

American Idiot was a Green Day album I thought sucked until I heard the tracks done live on Bullet In A Bible. Even then, I wondered, "where's the fun?" Politically driven concept albums about modern-day middle America are nice and all that, but when I listen to rock music, I want to have some fucking fun. Lucky me, Green Day pulled another Network and released a side-project as The Foxboro Hot Tubs. Stop, Drop and Roll feels like 60s garage rock, and my fav track at the moment is "Ruby Room," for no other reason than it features a Mellotron, the coolest instrument ever. I really hope this hits big on rock radio, but rock radio is dead, so, doubt it.

Rick Ross f. Pharrell - Get Down

Rick Ross sucks. He's like a shittier graduate from the Young Jeezy School Of Coke Rap. He's a mediocre MC who makes up for his lack of lyrical prowess with an above average amount of swagger and presence. Needless to say, that doesn't matter when you're spitting over an infectious beat courtesy of The Neptunes that should've been a gigantic club smash. It feels more like a Pharrell solo track that Rick Ross' authoritative boom accompanies, but, regardless, I fuck with it hard.

Weezy Got Me Torn Like Imbruglia (Tha Carter III: The Reluctant Review)

2008-06-03T08:38:00.004-04:00

Despite having the funniest fucking album cover in the history of rap music (this kid should've been Kenard from The Wire), Tha Carter III is the most anticipated hip hop album in a long fucking time. Personally, I've gone through a whole separation anxiety, psychologically torturous love/hate relationship with the album. I kept flip-flopping between genuine excitement, cautious worry, and outright "fuck that nigga. I'ma start fucking with T.I. again."

Well, thanks to Wayne's useless verbal war with mixtape DJs everywhere, the album is officially available on the internets. Some of my friends are being decent people and waiting until the June 10th release to actually purchase the album. They've waited this long, I suppose, so it makes sense. I'm impatient, though. This album could potentially be vital to understanding the hip hop landscape in 2008, so I couldn't wait any longer.

The first thing I'd like to say about the album is "I FUCKING TOLD YOU SO!!!"

I kept saying, again and again, it doesn't matter how good this album is going to be, WE'VE WAITED TOO LONG AND IT WON'T FUCKING MATTER, and I'm right. If this album had come out 6-8 months ago, people would be creaming over it like Peter North. It hasn't even officially dropped in stores, and there's already a backlash among the hip hop bloggerati. You've got people hating on the auto-tune on "Lollipop" or complaining that TCIII has too many guest spots.

The truth of the matter is it's a solid album. A very strong release with an above average number of decent tracks. Is it the monster we all wanted? No. On a scale of Godzilla 2000 to Cloverfield it's the dragon Sean Connery voiced in Dragonheart. The thing that kept nagging me as I began devouring the 18 tracks Lil' Wayne has seen fit to bestow upon us was the sense of what could have been.

I couldn't stop thinking about all of the 5-star tracks that could have lit this album aflame if they hadn't been independently leaked for no reason. I suppose in today's market landscape, the notion of a single track being placed in the context of an album is fairly unimportant, but you can hear on this track list spaces where "Gossip" (which will be available as a bonus disc called "The Leak" with the deluxe edition of TCIII) or "I Know The Future" or "Reppin Time" or "I Feel Like Dyin."

Okay. Enough bitching. On to the positives.

Wayne has assembled the kind of perfect line-up of producers that most rappers kill for. He's got Cool & Dre, Just Blaze, The Alchemist, Wyclef Jean, Swizz Beatz, and Streetrunners. The two producers with the most tracks are Kanye West, who brings above average beat heat, from the strangely outtake sounding Robin Thicke guesting "Tie My Hands" to the woulda-been-a-radio-hit-10-years-ago Babyface-guesting "Comfortable." Banner, typically an underrated producer, contributes the two funniest songs on the album (unintentionally) "Phone Home" an song that turns the classic Wayne line "We are not the same, I'm a Martian" and turns it into a whole riff on E.T., and "La La" probably my least favorite track on the album, and not just because it's fucking retarded and features Busta Rhymes (no, wait, it's EXACTLY that.)

Initial singles "A Milli" and "Got Money" with T-Pain sound alot better in context than they did on their own, the former benefitting greatly from no longer featuring Cory Gunz. There's a feeling of rehash in some of Weezy's lines, but the one reusage I dig is on "Playin' With Fire" when he reuses the last verse from "World Of Fantasy." Its an album highlight, and really stands out. The Jay-Z guest track, "Mr. Carter" is my current favorite. I just like hearing Wayne try out the soul-sample route, which works surprisingly well on the final, 10 minute track, "Misunderstood."

Juelz and Fabolous help out on "Nothin On Me" and it leads into to Kanye-produced "Let The Beat Build" pretty well, and although I can see it being a fairly successful radio hit, the song "Mrs. Officer" with Bobby Valentino, an entire song about Weezy fucking a female cop, comes off as kind of ridiculous (if unfairly catchy.)

What it all boils down to is a solid B+. I like it. If I HAD paid for it, I wouldn't be disappointed, just a little crestfallen that it wasn't the 5 Mic-er we were all expecting. For all I know, this thing could sell 20 million records and win a fuckton of grammys. This is, after all, something of a premature evaluation, so who knows? I say get the fucking thing and make your own opinion, but if you can, just skip that "La La" bullshit.

Lil' Wayne f. Jay-Z - Mr. Carter (produced by Juat Blaze)
Lil' Wayne - Let The Beat Build (produced by Kanye West)
Lil' Wayne - Playin' With Fire (produced by The Streetrunners

THE CURSE OF THE FATAL DEATH

2008-05-28T11:44:00.003-04:00

So, I'm always ranting and raving about how fucking great Steven Moffat is and how he's a master level television writer equally at home penning brilliant, farcical comedy (like Coupling) and well, structured genre fare (like Doctor Who or Jekyll.) I've always wanted to have something that was a perfect blend of his uncanny skill for laughs and his love of science fiction tropes.

Lucky me, I just found The Curse of The Fatal Death, a Comic Relief special Moffat penned awhile back that pokes fun at Who conventions while still making one nostalgic for the show itself. Only Steven Moffat could get Jonathan Pryce to play The Master, and everyone from Rowan Atkinson to Hugh Grant and Joanna Lumley to take turns as The Doctor. It's fucking hilarious.

PART 1

PART 2

BONUS

A special short episode also written by Moffat for Children in Need.

"Watch your back. Something's coming...behind your back..."

2008-05-27T13:02:00.003-04:00

There is a misconception about Robert Deniro and Al Pacino. Because of the fact that they both make the same types of films, people tend to assume they have worked together on several occasions. This is not true. There are exactly two films that star both Deniro and Pacino. One being Heat where they share about ten minutes of screen time, the other being The Godfather Part II, where their respective characters exist in different timelines.

Now we can add Righteous Kill to the short list. Written by Inside Man scribe Russell Gerwitz and directed by sometimes-talented helmer Jon Avnet (Boomtown = cool, 88 Minutes = shit.) The movie is very much like the type of New York crime dramas Sidney Lumet and Harold Becker used to make in their sleep, so it's interesting to see what comes of the film.

Deniro and Pacino play two cops who have to stop a murderer from killing other criminals, but, of course, they don't want to because he's just killing bad guys. Here's the first teaser:

Okay, decent, right? Yeah, 50 Cent is in it, the titles and design are made to look like The Departed and they use the somewhat cloying Neptunes remix of "Sympathy For The Devil," but overall, intriguing, no?

Okay, here's the good trailer:

Added some more conflict, a broader idea of the premise, cut 50 and showed more Leguizamo and Donnie Wahlberg and reminded us that the ultra fuckable (and equally talented) Carla Gugino is getting a paycheck and BOOM, instant must-see.

Now, if you really want to appreciate this movie, you have to see this video and re-watch the trailers, trying to keep a straight face. It's a fun game, trust me.

"Moo." "The cow goes Moo. That's what he says."

R.I.P. Sydney Pollack

2008-05-27T12:59:00.002-04:00

1934 - 2008

A great artist has been lost.

Hip-Hop On The Horizon

2008-05-23T15:45:00.006-04:00

I've been in a sad indie/crazy dance music mood of late and I haven't been fucking with as much hip hop as I usually do. To make up for the absence, here's the lowdown on 4 upcoming projects I'm geeked for.

IDLE WARSHIP

Remember Res? She was a cool, talented, attractive, genre-bending musician before girls like M.I.A. and Santogold started lighting the blogosphere afire. Then she disappeared. Now, she's working on a comeback and has this cool side project going with perpetually underrated but always fantastic in collaboration MC Talib Kweli. It's a lot more fun than Kweli's usual fare, a mixture of dancey beats and twinges of the insight their old backpacker style is usually known for. They even team up with MC Chris for "Screamin" (if you haven't gotten a hold of MC Chris Is Dead then you clearly aren't trying hard enough and can no longer hang out with me. Yes, that is why I ignore you on facebook.)

Idle Warship - Pull It Out
Idle Warship - Fall Back
Idle Warship f. MC Chris - Screamin

COMMON

So, Common's got a new album coming out called Invincible Summer and the first leaked single features Pharrell doing his usual scat/singing and a fun Neptunes beat. Apparently, since Kanye is so busy with the Glow In The Dark tour, the album will be free of West beats, which is both a blessing and a curse. The last time Common released an album where he collaborated with The Neptunes, it was Electric Circus, an genre-bending, mindfuck of an album he is STILL apologizing for. I personally dug the album, but I wonder if he needs to take it back to outer space now that he's firmly ensconced himself into the mainstream.

Common f. Pharrell - Universal Mind Control

RAEKWON THE CHEF

I know alot of people thought that the big Wu comeback album 8 Diagrams wasn't fire enough, and I suppose they're right. After the hype, we all expected grimey, gutter beats that slapped us in the face like bloody sandpaper. Well, lucky us, RZA put away the "hip hop hippie" stylings Rae criticized him for and is coming back with that "tiger style" shit for us. This is probably because the emerging tracks from the eagerly anticipated Only Built 4 Cuban Linx II was started before 8 Diagrams. Either way, Tony Starks and Lex Diamonds are back with that street grit you love.

Raekwon f. Ghostface Killah - Necro
Raekwon f. Ghostface Killah - Jihad

THE COOL KIDS

Look, The Cool Kids fucking rock. You don't need my dilettante ass spewing some fake philosophical shit trying to over intellectualize the return of the boom bap. When their full length debut drops, I might even buy it. In a STORE! For now, cop your fixes.

The Cool Kids - Jingling
The Cool Kids - Stove Top Oven Fresh Baked Goods

Porn Star Vs Indie Songstress: Oi! Oi! Oi!

2008-05-23T11:42:00.004-04:00

So, anyone who knows me knows I love English chicks. Maybe it's something about shoddy dental work and an accent that does it for me. This week, we've got two blonde brits who I only chose because they sort of look alike.

ALICIA RHODES VS DUFFY

ALICIA RHODES

I rhink I first saw Ms. Rhodes in a film called "Black In The Saddle" where she did a boy-girl anal scene with Sean Michaels so intense it made MY asshole hurt. What was impressive is that she took it all in stride, claiming she'd been down with the brown eye since she was a "little girl," a quote I'd rather not read too much into.

She's got a lot going for her: natural DD tits, a nice ass, a strange resemblance to former Doctor Who companion Billie Piper. Alicia benefits from what alot of English people do when it comes to talent: she seems a lot smarter and engaging than she probably is. She made a scene in Big Sausage Pizza look actorly, for God's sake. The girl's got skills.

If you want to really understand the force that is Alicia Rhodes, I strongly suggest you do one of two things:

1) do a google image search on "alicia rhodes" and "interracial." You'll be treated to hundreds of candid shots where a nude Alicia is covered in more chocolate than an easter bunny.

2) seek out her girl-girl-boy three way with amazon Egypt and Lexington Steele. Adjectives guaranteed to fail.

DUFFY

I guess she's not that "indie." VH1 does that to street cred. However, she does have a nice voice (she's no Winehouse, but who is?) and she's cute. There isn't a great deal separating her from other newer English soul singers like Estelle, or Adele or even Joss Stone, other than the relentlessly catchy single "Mercy" which I loved even before she did the remix with The Game, but could not get rid of after said remix.

Also, she apparently knows We Are Scientists, which is cool.

Estelle had, in some bullshit interview, backhandedly criticized Duffy for not being a "real" soul artist, but coming from someone who had to fish across the pond and get Kanye and Sa-Ra to help her get radio-play, I don't think she's got oodles of room to talk. Further endearing me to her, Duffy took the swipe well and is as sweet as she looks (or at least has smart PR people.)

Her particular brand of music isn't really soul music anyway. It's dance music with a little more substance, something the world could always do with more of to begin with.

WINNER: It all boils down to whether you want to dance or jerk off.

Duffy f. The Game - Mercy (remix)

What Hast Usher Wrought?

2008-05-23T09:48:00.002-04:00

So I just started listening to Here I Stand, Usher's long-awaited new album. I clearly gave him a world of shit when "Love In This Club" leaked, mostly because I expected either a complete reinvention, or something so cloberringly awesome that Justin Timberlake would be crying in the fetal position. That single was neither and, unfortunately, the same must be said about the album.

Which isn't to say it's not good. It's actually very good. On par with, or a at least little bit better than Confessions.(I can't be sure, still need to digest some.) What I can say is that I'm going to stop making fun of him, at least for a little while, and let me tell you something, I had PAGES of material about the interlude where he includes a soundbite of his son crying, but, I'll be the bigger man and only discuss what I like, as the album technically isn't out yet and it'd be nice to generate a little buzz for the man.

Ursh is to be commended for shying away from his usual MJ impersonation and coming more into his own and, rather than pretending he can keep up with the Chris Browns of the world, embracing a more Marvin Gaye-ish maturity. Whether its the aforementioned fatherhood acknowledgment or the tones of the Ne-Yo penned "His Mistakes." It's not a giant leap forward, but it's less of a step back than I imagined.

The album isn't stacked with collaborations, a welcome change in hip hop today. Of the few collabs the only one I don't like is Jeezy's appearance of "Love In This Club" but it's totally redeemed by Weezy and Beyonce popping up on the penultimate track "Love In This Club pt. II" and Jay-Z assisting on "Best Thing."

It's hard to call what the hits might be. Its too early to tell if there's a "Yeah" or "Burn" in this bunch, but my early favorites are "What's Your Name" and "Moving Mountains" from will.i.am and Timbaland, respectively. It has that nice one-two punch of playful, synthy come-on and spare, contemplative lament. Vintage Ush.

This looks like it might be kind of a slow year in the R&B department, so who knows, Usher could be covered in little gold gramophones next February, to say nothing of the millions of potential units to be sold. For now all I can do is nod approvingly and maybe, just maybe, start a solemn slow clap. Well played, Mr. Raymond. We shall see.

Usher f. Jay-Z - Best Thing
Usher - Moving Mountains
Usher f. will.i.am - What's Your Name

BONUS
Omarion f. Usher & Fabolous - Icebox (remix)

Obsessed: Tracks On My Mind

2008-05-22T18:45:00.001-04:00

Have you ever had a series of songs stuck in your brain that you barely even fucking liked, but for no real reason they become apart of your consciousness? Yeah, that sort of happened to me this week, and I'm trying to scrub it all out with really bouncy dance music, but it doesn't look to be working.

Here's some sad bastard music to suck on:

Death Cab For Cutie - No Sunlight

I don't have a strong, legit reason for liking this song that much, but I'm just happy it finally knocked "I Will Possess Your Heart" out of my head. That song was as scarily catchy as this one is smooth and digestible. It's Death Cab, not a lot new here, just your average, palatable piece of pop music, but I dig it.

Radiohead - All I Need

I like Radiohead, but I'm more of a The Bends/Pablo Honey kind of guy. All of this post OK Computer, electro-bleepy-bloopy Thom Yorke-The Eraser shit sounds like Philip K. Dick writing a porno about robots fucking. That's not necessarily a criticism, it's just what it feels like to me. This track on In Rainbows was recently used in an anti-child labor music video on MTV but it feels like a dreamy love song, the kind Wong Kar Wai would have in a film and play 12 times until we got the gist.

Amy Milan - I Will Follow You Into The Dark

I blame Matt Breezy for this. If he hadn't started randomly singing "Crooked Teeth" to himself while playing with Rob's brother's guitar and decided to get a Death Cab song from fucking Plans stuck back in my head after all this time, I wouldn't have randomly decided to listen to Stars singer Amy Milan's cover and gotten THAT stuck in my head. Fucking Matt is a fucking Skrull.

Grizzly Bear - Owner of a Lonely Heart

Yes, I like Yes, okay? Yeah, Grizzly Bear covers are fun. Sure, it's sad as hell, but it's called OWNER OF A LONELY HEART. Fuck can you expect?

Scarlett Johansson - Anywhere I Lay My Head

So, I finally let her looks get the best of me and I broke down and downloaded Scarlett's album of Tom Waits covers. On paper, it sounds okay. Hot actress/Woody Allen muse + Dave Sitek producing + Cool Guest Spots = hyped album. The sad part is Scarlett Jo can't sing worth a good goddamn. Sitek's soundscapes are intriguing and make for easy listening, but I would've rather had Miley fucking Cyrus sing these tunes, and that's saying something. Unfortunately, the title track is somewhat haunting and the album at whole begs me to listen to it. I've never listened so much to something I enjoy so little. It's actually sort of pitiful.

Crookers - Lollypop

I downloaded this song because I thought it was going to be a tongue-in-cheek cover of the Lil Wayne hit of the same name, but it's just a random dance jam. You'll need it to wash down the generally sad ennui the other songs have a tendency to foster.

Stuff That Has Me Excited

2008-05-22T12:43:00.002-04:00

1) Love Is All Covers EP

Josephine and Co. are putting out an EP full of cover songs. Stereogum has a track listing and more information, but the band's myspace has the first track, a killer cover of Prince's "Darling Nikki." I don't want to say its better than the Foo Fighters' cover, but it is definitely different. A nice salvo to sate you until their new LP drops.

2) Eagle Eye

I still haven't gotten around to watching Disturbia because, in all honesty, I don't need to. There's just certain pop cultural phenomenons you can understand without having to experience firsthand. Someone remaking Rear Window with the guy who directed The Salton Sea, the guy who wrote Red Eye and Shia Lebeuf is one of them.

I knew Hollywood was going to follow up that surprising success by seeing how else they can make Hitchcock more palatable to Generation Y. I, myself, spent some time working on a Vertigo update I was gonna shop to Shia, but apparently DJ Caruso and co. have done one better with their follow-up Eagle Eye, a film based on an old Spielberg script that homages the "wrong man" genre Hitchcock so lovingly gave birth to. It's like North By Northwest with explosions. I definitely think it's going to be worth a view, and releasing it in late August is perfect as it will have little to no box office competition. You go, "Beef."

3) David Goyer and Justin Marks' Supermax

I gave DC and Warner Bros. a load of shit for not stepping their game up in the comic book adaptation racket, but they look like they may be recovering nicely. David Goyer (of the Blade films and Batman Begins) teamed with up-and-coming screenwriter Justin Marks to pen a new kind of superhero movie, Supermax.

The film is basically going to be a Green Arrow movie, which I thought would be cool enough. It'll have GA's origin and all that shit, but instead of the typical "pretend one of his rogues is strong enough to be the film's antagonist" route that most b-level superheroes go for, they're setting the film in a prison full of supervillains after GA is framed for murder. It's like OZ, with superpowers.

Latino Review has a review of the script and details. I feel a nerdgasm coming on. I know they mention Matt Damon as a potential lead, but if they do that it's only to try and one up Marvel. The real lead should be Josh Holloway, from Lost.

Sawyer would totally own as Oliver Queen.

4) Steven Moffat is New Doctor Who Showrunner

Russell T. Davies (of the original Queer As Folk) did a fine job of updating the world's longest running science fiction series for new audiences and pleasing old fans. Four seasons of awesomeness so far and I couldn't think of anyone better to run the show. Well, until Steven "I created Coupling and Jekyll and I write the best episodes of Who and I'm awesome" Moffat got chosen to take-over.

Moffat was responsible for two of the best Who stories since the revamp, "The Empty Child"/"The Doctor Dances" two-parter and "Blink." The only thing more awesome than him taking over the show is that Steven Spielberg (!!!) is about to start shooting his Tintin adaptation. Life is good.

5) Beck and Danger Mouse Team Up

I haven't always been the biggest Beck fan, though I do like pretty much his entire discography. I just can't say I've ever been amped for one of his releases. Now, however, that he is working with uber-producer Danger Mouse (Gnarls Barkley, Dangerdoom, The new Black Keys record, The Grey Album) and attempting to create a 60s brit rock vibe, I am ready for an eargasm.

Beck.com is streaming the first song (or part of a song, w/e) from the upcoming, as-yet-untitled album, called "Chemtrails." I dare you not to like this song. I double dare ya! Say "I don't want to purchase or at least illegally download Beck's new album," motherfucker! Say it one more time!

Video Updates or Too Tired To Blog

2008-05-19T11:49:00.003-04:00

I figured I ought to post something, but I'm totally lacking in insight this morning, so I'll just re-talk about old crap.

A few days ago, I mentioned how awesome new Fox shows Dollhouse and Fringe looked, then showed brief snippets of the shows. Here are two full-trailer up-front looks for both shows.

DOLLHOUSE

UPDATE: The youtube vid got taken down, so here's a link to a better version of the trailer: Dollhouse

FRINGE

Fringe debuts in September and is coupled with House while Dollhouse bows in January with the return of 24.

While, I'm on a roll, here's a red-band trailer for Ben Stiller's upcoming Tropic Thunder. I had a trailer up a month or two ago, but this one kills that one with a bayonet.

And lastly, for the nerds, here's a trailer for Wolverine & The X-Men, a new cartoon coming to Nickelodeon.

Be here later in the day when I fully wake up and abandon relying on youtub for blog content.

Weekend Mixtape: Make Out. Fall Out. Make Up.

2008-05-16T15:17:00.006-04:00

Dearly beloved, we are gathered here to get through this thing called LIFE.
Electric word LIFE, it means forever and that's a mighty long time, and I'm here to tell you...there's something else.

The weekend. (Yes, I remembered that Prince shit offhand)

Don't be a sad panda like Batman! While tantalizing and inviting, spending the weekend in an armchair, drowning your lovelorn sorrows in an empty apartment with a bottle of Sutton House white wine and non-movie soundtrack Bryan Adams tunes, lamenting your lack of a social life should not be an option for you.

There's girls out there! And booze! Straight edge? Go bowling or something! Get out there and stick your metaphorical pork sword into the moist envelope of LIFE.

And if you decide to go OUT don't pull a Superman III! Sitting there, scowling over shots of Johnnie Walker Red Label at all the pretty girls you're too chicken shit to talk to. Enjoy yourself. Mingle! Liquor is supposed to be a social lubricant, not a repressed fury inducer. Have 21 seasons of The Real World taught you nothing?

Just listen to Josephine:

Here's the actual mix I made. It's a little all over the place, lots of remixes, runs a little long, but trust me, it'll lift your spirits.

FRIDAY
Arctic Monkeys - Dancing Shoes (rhythm del mundo)
Love Is All - Busy Doing Nothing (Optimo remix)
Mark Ronson f. Santogold - Pretty Green
Young Dro Vs. Queens of The Stone Age - Little Sister/Shoulder Lean (DJ A-Trak mix)
Three Six Mafia - Stay Fly (MSTRKRFT remix)
Justice Vs. Santogold - L.E.S.D.A.N.C.E.
Panda Bear - Comfy In Nautica (xxxchange remix)
Diplo f. Daft Punk - Work Is Never Over
Girl Talk - Minute To Minute

SATURDAY
Spank Rock - Lindsay Lohan
Timbaland f. The Hives - Throw It On Me
Ghostland Observatory - Heavy Heart
Kasabian - Shoot The Runner
DJ Shadow - Six Days (soulwax remix)
Mindless Self Indulgence - Never Wanted To Dance
LCD Soundsystem - Daft Punk Is Playing At My House (soulwax shibuya re-edit)
T-Pain f. Young Joc - Buy U A Drank (DJ Twitch remix)
Lykke Li - Little Bit (Diego Chavez remix)

I'd make a Sunday, but honestly, you should be sleeping it off, or going to church, not listening to music.

3 Fall Shows I Want To See That Fox Will No Doubt Cancel Because They Don't Want Me To Be Happy (and One That Looks Like SHIT)

2008-05-16T12:16:00.006-04:00

So, I'm a TV nut. That's putting it mildly. I think I actually had an orgasm watching Lost a few weeks ago. Nearly caught myself in the eye. ANYWAY, this is the time of the year when the networks have their up fronts and start pimping their new shows to sponsors and advertisers.

They parade out new picked-up pilots and try to convince one another that they have the next big hit. This is a duller looking year than usual, as the WGA strike threw pilot season's schedule off, leaving us with some serious substandard fare and more reality programming than you can shake a stick at.

Here are my 3 picks, all from FOX weirdly enough. The rest of the networks don't even seem like they tried. Its all woefully irrelevant, as Fox never leaves a show I like on the air, unless its House or Bones, two shows I enjoy but could ultimately not be forced to care less about.

DOLLHOUSE

Former Tru Calling star and general hottie Eliza Dushku had a development deal with Fox and, over lunch, roped former collaborator/Buffy Creator/Nerd God of the Highest Order Joss Whedon to create a new series for her, as he, too, had some shows left on his Fox deal.

The series follows a team of blank-slate operatives deployed for various missions, each one being imprinted with an assumed identity for the task at hand. Dushku plays Echo (all the "dolls," as they are called, have alpha, echo, roger names), the protagonist who begins developing a mind of her own. Some dude plays an FBI agent who gets embroiled in blah blah blah JOSS WHEDON'S BACK ON TV. I'm gonna, what...NOT watch this show?

Here's a sneak preview that doesn't really do or say much about the show but, hey, Eliza Dushku in a dress!

FRINGE

J.J. Abrams is apparently untouchable as a producer (Cloverfield, Lost, the new Star Trek reboot) and is fast becoming geek royalty. His new series, which he created in collaboration with Transformers screenwriters and former Alias cohorts Roberto Orci and Alex Kurtzman.

The show features former Dawson pal Joshua Jackson (last seen in, what, Cursed?), Boston Legal's Mark Valley, and others. It sounds like The X-Files, which is good enough for me. The pilot was directed by Alex Graves, who used to do some good work on The West Wing but I think also worked on Journeyman, so, toss up.

SIT DOWN, SHUT UP

Arrested Development creator Mitch Hurwitz apparently didn't get enough of the ratings/cancellation ASS RAPE he got from Fox last time around, so now he's taking a cue from Seth MacFarlane and producing an animated series about teachers. It sounds alot like BBC series Bromwell High but is actually based on an Australian sitcom.

Make sure you check out the three episodes that will air next spring before it gets canned like some bad spam.

This show is actually from NBC, but it is completely emblematic of why they are dead last in the ratings and have to rely on American Gladiators and Deal or No Deal for ad revenue.

MY OWN WORST ENEMY

Remember The Last Kiss Goodnight, the movie about an amnesiac housewife Geena Davis who wakes up one day and realizes she used to be a bad ass killer for hire mercenary type? Remember how screenwriter Shane Black got paid $4 Million for writing it and it made no money despite featuring both Samuel L. Jackson and Craig Bierko?

Okay, okay.

What if we made it a TV show, and instead of Geena Davis, we have CHRISTIAN FUCKING SLATER?

Yeah, how about that, NBC? You can barely keep Friday Night Lights, one of the finest examples of storytelling in American television history, on the air, but you want to funnel money into Christian Slater's abortive COMEBACK PROJECT? What the fuck? They can't even get Heroes to beat Two and A Half Men on Monday nights. They're gonna bring back the guy I last saw in Hard Rain and Alone In The Fucking Dark?

You know how shitty this show sounds? When all the other upfronts have preview scenes from the upcoming series they plan to debut, this is what My Own Worst Enemy has:

VIDEO FOOTAGE OF SOMEONE TAKING PICTURES!

OF CHRISTIAN FUCKING SLATER!!

I'm sorry GE/Universal. Television is not for you.

Marvel Films Offers Warner Bros/DC a New Asshole

2008-05-15T13:25:00.005-04:00

For a time, DC Comics had the monopoly on comic-to-film adaptations. You see, the publisher is owned by Warner Bros, so that studio automatically owns the option on all DC Comics characters, making it less of a headache to make a Batman or Superman movie/tv/cartoon/whateverthefuck. Then, in 2000, Fox whipped out their long awaited adaptation of the X-Men, beginning a flood of market-stealing releases. Marvel's been selling more comics than DC for years, but now they were summarily kicking their ass in the media as well.

DC started a bit of a comeback. Batman Begins totally owned, and we'll be nice and not mention Superman Returns. There was even talk of producing a Justice League film. Marvel, however, regained the upper hand.

You see, before, Marvel would sell their properties to various studios. Fox has The X-Men, Daredevil, The Fantastic Four and Ghost Rider. Sony has Spidey. Universal had The Hulk, etc. Their characters were spread out over warring studios. Now, with their own studio owning a majority of their properties, and Paramount backing them up with distribution, they're free to market/produce shit the way they want to.

Tony Stark is kicking all sorts of ass at the box office and Ed Norton's Hulk is on its way. The coolest thing is that all of these films now exist in the same continuity/mythology, meaning Robert Downey Jr. can walk into a scene in the new Hulk movie and it would be in canon. This is all leading up to, as anyone who stayed after the credits of Iron Man can imagine, an Avengers movie.

Here, I'll run down the 5 film projects coming from Marvel that you need to be familiarized with.

1. Ant-Man (TBD)

I've been a die-hard comic book geek since I learned to read, and even I don't give a flying fuck about Ant-Man. He has zero interesting solo adventures and his only worth as a character comes from his association with The Avengers. On his own, the only decent stories anyone's ever plucked from him were mostly parody, which is probably why Edgar Wright (director of Hot Fuzz) is signed on to write and direct this film.

Ant-Man is really scientist Hank Pym, a man who invents a helmet that allows him to shrink and communicate with insects. He also made a thing that lets him grow really large as Giant-Man, but he's still a fucktard mort waste of time. As a character he's interesting because he KNOWS he's a failure. In Marvel mythology he has a gigantic chip on his shoulder as being only the 4th best scientist in the world (behind Reed Richards, Tony Stark and Bruce Banner) and his only real claim to fame is inventing a robot (Ultron) that turns into one of the Avengers' biggest villains and also getting pissed off and beating his wife, The Wasp.

Yeah, let's give this douche his own movie.

Later, as Pym went by Yellowjacket, a man named Scott Lang became Ant-Man, then blew up, then I think another guy took over, but no one gave a shit. Edgar Wright has since decided to shoot Scott Pilgrim Vs. The World first, so there is doubt that his Ant-Man would precede and tie-into the Avengers movie, perhaps waiting until afterwards to spin-OFF from it, instead.

The other shitty thing about this movie is that the best man on the planet to play Hank Pym is Aaron Eckhart, but he's going to be too busy playing Two-Face for the Batman franchise. Lametown.

2. Iron Man II (2010)

This one is a no-brainer. Favreau and the whole crew is back and we can pretty much guarantee that Raza, the leader of the "Ten Rings" terrorist cell, is going to return as the main villain. Alot of non-nerds probably didn't pick up on it, but the character of the terrorist was played up as a modern-day take on Iron Man's ridiculously xenophobic-seeming Mandarin villain, a character born of Vietnam-era politics who used ten magic/tech-based alien rings to, I don't, pretend to be Fu Manchu or something (I'm a nerd, and even I can admit that 90% of actual Iron Man comics suck balls.)

It'll be intriguing to see Favreau & Co try to ground such a fanciful villain in the reality they've created with the first film, as well as possibly adapting the "Demon In A Bottle" or "Armor Wars" stories, not to mention Rhodey becoming War Machine, which Terrence Howard all but spelled out in his late-act two scene, looking at the spare suit. I expect Samuel L. Jackson's Nick Fury cameo to be expanded some, along with the rest of S.H.I.E.L.D., but only to tease fanboys for The Avengers, not as major plot points or anything.

3. Thor (2010)

If there is one character in the Marvel pantheon who is ridiculously difficult to properly adapt to the screen, it's Thor. The Marvel version of the norse myth is that Thor, son of Odin, is bonded to a young doctor named Donald Blake who finds a stick that, when beaten on the ground, turns into Thor's hammer and turns the holder INTO Thor and the whole thing is Stan Lee's way of allegorically slipping Christ-myth and his usually themes of ordinary people with extraordinary problems into a Kirby-drawn epic fantasy. Classic comic book stuff. Not great cinematic material.

Case in point: Casting. How do you cast a man to play an imposing, larger-than-life God and a dimunitive run-of-the-mill physician? In the comics, they just draw the same guy and add or remove muscles as necessary. You'd have to cast two actors, or settle for a slightly built God/hulking doctor-guy.

Current project screenwriter Mark Protosevich (The Cell, Poseidon, I Am Legend) sidestepped this problem altogether by AVOIDING EVERY ASPECT OF THE CHARACTER THAT MADE HIM A SUPERHERO AND NOT A NORSE MYTH RETREAD!

He basically wrote Beowulf...with a gigantic lighting-storm-starting hammer.

This was, of course, before Marvel had cemented their Avengers plans. The project, now directorless after Stardust and Layer Cake helmer left (second Marvel film he's dropped out of, after X3), is going through massive rewrites to be more in line with the comic-book mythology. I don't know why they don't just hire Beowulf writers Neil Gaiman (a comic God in his own right) and Roger Avary for the project.

There's also rampant rumors that Thor will somehow be introduced in Iron Man II which is so fucking stupid and nonsensical that I'm just going to pretend it's not true. If it's a cool little after the credits, "Hey, Stark, I want you to meet Thor." thing then maybe, but I don't really see him fitting into the story organically.

The good news is that they are currently courting Brad Pitt to play the Thunder God. This solves numerous problems, namely the size issue (Brad's an elastic, erratic performer who has yet to find a role he can't play) and the problem of star power. Now that Robert Downey Jr is Iron Man and Ed Norton Bruce Banner, Marvel has to cast these films knowing that these characters are going to be interacting in a team film.

It's a complex problem. Instead of saying "Who'd make a good Thor?" its now "Who would make a good Thor and play well with Downey, Norton and Sam Fucking Jackson?" Which brings us to...

4. The First Avenger: Captain America (2011)

I have so much shit to say about this project that I'm just going to break it up into two categories.

THE GOOD

- It's a movie about Captain America, one of the most storied, epic, legendary figures in comic book history.
- Since his story ties in so much with Avengers mythology, they're planning on marketing the movie a scant few months before the Avengers movie.
- Since the stories will be connected, there's a good chance a majority of this film will take place solely in WWII, saving the "Cap Wakes Up In Modern Times" stuff for the follow-up.

THE BAD

- It's a movie about Captain America, a character who, for all intents and purposes, was killed last year in comic book continuity.
- The project's current writer is Zak Penn. He also wrote Elektra.
- The current director is Nick Cassavettes. Other than being John Cassavettes' son, he directed The Notebook, John Q. and Alpha Dog.
- As cool as it would be to have an entire film of Cap in WWII, his awakening in the present and being a man out of time is pretty essential to his myth. Otherwise, the Cap movie will just be a two hour trailer for the Avengers movie.

THE UGLY

- Why the fuck is it called The First Avenger: Captain America? That's almost as lame as X-Men Origins: Wolverine.

I really shouldn't down Nick Cassavettes so much. Alpha Dog actually showed some filmmaking promise. This could be the material that brings out the best in him. It could also, to be fair, be another in a long line of cinematic castrations I'd rather hadn't seen the light of day. Jon Favreau really set the bar pretty high as far as awesome interpretations of Marvel characters goes, and Cap is as complex as they come. Casting alone is its own massive throbbing headache.

The man who plays Steve Rogers has to be:

- White. (race is only important in that making him black would become a whole useless story issue)
- Blonde. (if only to keep that weird dynamic of an aryan guy fighting a bunch of Nazis)
- Young-ish (technically Cap was like 25)
- Old-ish (he is also supposed to be somewhat grizzled, imposing and wise beyond his years)
- Striking (he's a poster boy)
- Physically perfect (not perfect perfect, but he's supposed to be a super-soldier)

This man also needs to be able to hold his own with some of the best actors of this generation in a film (The Avengers movie) where he's not only the leader, but a source of inspiration to pretty much the whole fucking world. You can play Superman and just be a cute guy in tights. Captain America is like Jesus Christ, Steve McQueen and John F. Kennedy rolled in a big fucking American flag. Try casting that.

At the moment, my five picks are:

JENSEN ACKLES

Young, relatively unknown, sort of 40sish facial structure, alot of potential.

MATT DAMON

Already proven as both a dramatic actor and an action hero, could fit in well with the ensemble, is fucking Matt Damon.

RYAN GOSLING

Too slight of build, but one of the best actors of his generation.

JASON LEWIS

Looks like a fucking superhero anyway.

VIGGO MORTENSEN

My real bet, but he's too edgy/subversive a performer, possibly too old as well.

This is the most sensitive of Marvel's upcoming projects. Here's hoping they don't fuck up a potential gravy train.

BONUS IRON MAN EASTER EGG:

What's that on Tony's work bench in the background? A trick of the light...or CAPTAIN AMERICA'S SHIELD?

5. The Avengers (2011)

If everything goes off without a hitch with these previous films, The Avengers has the potential to be the coolest superhero movie of all time. Jon Favreau will most likely get to direct, as he's already referred to this as this third Iron Man film in interviews. He'll probably bring an assload of writers with him to back up Zak Penn. If they want a story that works, they'll just borrow the one from the first volume of Mark Millar and Bryan Hitch's modern-day take on the Avengers, The Ultimates. That cartoon movie already did it, so why not?

Between the group's in-fighting, Captain America's dealing with the modern world, an early act two battle with the Hulk and then the climactic war with the Skrulls (Chitauri, whatever) you've got a perfect summer popcorn action movie. Michael Bay will be crying in a corner for not getting his hands on it. Stay tuned, kids, and 'til then, Make Mine Marvel.

I Invented The Remix (If Diddy Can Say It, So Can I)

2008-05-15T09:19:00.004-04:00

Furthering the widely-held belief that I listen to too much music, here's a batch of remixes I'm injecting intravenously this morning to wake the fuck up. I'm too lazy/half awake to link to the actual mp3s, and since I found most of these on The Hype Machine, a better blog aggregator than elbo.ws, you can just go there. Most of these fall under the heading of "popular tracks."

1. Lil' Wayne f. Kanye West - Lollipop (official remix)

I first got a whiff of this track in the background of the hilarious video of Kanye West and Jonah Hill playing Connect 4 ("Chess for dumb people.")

Now, the "official" remix is out. I use quotes for official because there's like 19 other remixes boasting the same claim, one of them featuring T-Pain. Of course, those are all shit on a stick compared to the talk-box/autotuned Kanye making one of his better guest verses in awhile and Wayne killing the track with a machete (contrary to Kanye's prior boast disallow his compatriot from just such an act of track murder.) Seriously, this release actually made me less pissed off that Tha Carter III got pushed back again. I say "less" not "not pissed."

2. Lykke Li - I'm Good, I'm Gone (Black Kids Remix)

The Black Kids are a fun band ("I'm Not Gonna Teach Your Boyfriend How To Dance With You") and their remix of Lykke Li's second best track off of Youth Novels (the first being "Little Bit") is pretty fantastic. I've listened to like, twenty different versions of this song, not counting the various live versions there are on youtube (you know a song is good when the singer can sing it in a cab and a bathroom and it still works) but this is my favorite, if for no other reason than you can totally picture Ms. Li doing that herky-jerky, rhythmless dance of hers to it.

BONUS

The dudes over at The Hood Internet cooked up an EP's worth of Lykke Li remixes. At this point, I'll download a mash-up of this girl and Tiny Tim playing a fucking ukulele.

3. Santogold - L.E.S. Artistes (xxxchange remix)

I downloaded her self-titled debut album already but I'm still not ready to jump on the Santogold bandwagon. It's a fun collection of songs and I haven't completely digested it yet, but she still just rubs me as an M.I.A. impersonator. She's got her own thing going on, sure, but that's just how it hits me. This xxxchange remix is pretty hot, though.

4. Usher - Love In This Club (MSTRKRFT Remix)

Hipster Runoff recently posed a question as to whether or not MSTRKRFT could remix anything and make it listenable. I don't totally agree, but they certainly turned out this needless abortion of a song. It now sounds like Usher is partying with Daft Punk at the end of the world in some sort of end-of-the-world let's-fuck-in-a-club kind of party. Just picturing Usher trying to do his lame new dances (like what I call "the defibrillator" where he just thumps his chest up and down) while wearing one of those Daft Punk helmets is cause enough to listen to this remix. It's epic awesomeness is another.

5. N.E.R.D. f. CRS & Pusha T - Everybody Nose (remix)

This song was already the fucking shit when it leaked. There were alot of remixes as well, but for the most part, I felt like the original was pretty untouchable, with the double bass and the sax and the general tone of booty-shaking wonderment. Obviously, I didn't foresee Pusha T from Clipse, Kanye and Lupe Fiasco showing up and slaughtering a Planet Rock sounding, murky synth fest about coke-snorting party girls. Pharrell raps on the song, and it DOESN'T SOUND LIKE SHIT. Lupe Fiasco manages to not use his thesaurus. NOT ONCE. Kanye goes a whole verse without saying something that makes me regret being a fan of his. Pusha T reminds me that Clipse' next album is too far away!

Speaking of long-awaited third albums...where is Seeing Sounds? I'm not waiting another fucking month.

BONUS

The new video for the original track (featuring L.Lo):

Diablo Cody Needs A Re-Write

2008-05-14T13:33:00.003-04:00

I just finished reading a draft of her new film, Jennifer's Body, and I've got woefully mixed feelings. I liked Juno a lot and I've been looking forward to the follow-up, but, having read what I read, I'm a tad worried.

Here's why: The ending sucks.

HARD.

The story's somewhat non-linear, so "technically" the kind of thing we should be waiting for as a climax is actually shown like 15 pages in, leaving the film's real ending on a bit of a pointless cliff-hanger.

I'm getting ahead of myself. Jennifer's Body (possible spoilers) is about a young girl named Anita "Needy" Lesnicki, kind of your typical nerdy-but-cute, too smart for a small town girl (to be played by Mean Girls' supporting player Amanda Seyfried.) She's BFF with Megan Fox's hot it-girl Jennifer Check. An emo-band comes to their town and does some satanic ritual and Jennifer turns into a boy-eating, demon-possessed hellcat, leaving her best friend to have to destroy her, Buffy style.

It's an interesting concept, and Cody writes the fuck out of it. All the artfully esoteric references and cloying dialogue cadences from Juno remain intact, only this time, rather than serving a bittersweet, indie-dramady tone, she's tackling a more darkly comedic horror style.

The self-aware, wink-nod-knowing horror movie's been done, but probably not this stylishly in some time. The characters are well drawn, at least the ones who aren't background gen-y satire stand-ins. The actual horror elements are intriguing, even on the page, and the film looks to be gory beyond all plausibility. It's a nice blend of Joss Whedon-esque, girl-power genre-mish-mash and The Craft style teen pap. If I sound kind of jaded on the subject, it's only because the last 15 pages of the script pissed me off so much. I, for the most part, loved the goddamn thing.

It just needs a rewrite. It is literally like Diablo Cody wrote the script without a real roadmap, and figured she'd come up with a more interesting climax than the one she spoiled in the film's opening and never got around to it. The draft is dated September of '07, so I'm hoping she did some polish work before they went into production. Otherwise, this movie is fucked.

If you come out the gate and win a fucking Oscar for your first screenplay, especially for a film already enjoying a healthy critical backlash, your sophomore effort really can't afford that type of junior mistake. Another review compared it to being her Mallrats, ie, a film that attempts to keep the stylistic integrity of the first film, but reach out to a more mainstream audience and fail.

Not helping matters at all is director Karyn Kusama, fresh off her spectacular bomb/waste of studio money Aeon Flux. She probably signed on to do this movie hoping to ride the Diablo Cody Gravy Train out of Director Jail, but if they don't touch up that third act, she'll just be another passenger on the sinking ship.

Wednesdays...

2008-05-14T10:12:00.003-04:00

If you're a nerd, Wednesdays are awesome because new comics come out. If you're anyone else, it's Hump Day, the midway point between the hell of Mondays and the freedom the weekend brings. I made a Muxtape for the occasion.

Hump Day, Bitches

Also, if you're a movie geek, there's a new site you must frequent: PDFscreenplays.net

Their selection of scripts isn't as exhaustive as Daily Script or Simply Scripts but it definitely brings the heat with some nice unproduced gems (Alex Garland's draft of the Halo movie) and a few great finds that aren't in theaters yet, like Rian Johnson's Brick follow-up The Brothers Bloom or Bryan Singer's new Tom Cruise movie Valkrie.

The real find is Diablo Cody's new script Jennifer's Body. It reads like a mash-up of Heathers and Lost Boys. This being said, if you were at all annoyed by her dialogue in Juno you will most likely STILL hate her.

GRATUITOUS MEGAN FOX PIC

Megan Fox, hottie from Transformers, is in Cody's new film and AICN got some topless photos of her on-set. Personally, I prefer porn to random celebrity nude pics, but I imagine someone else will make good use of them here.

Porn Star Vs. Indie Songstress Double Feature: Late Mother's Day Edition

2008-05-13T12:04:00.003-04:00

I haven't done one of these in awhile, but a close friend's been gagging for it. I'd be derelict in my duties were I to deny him this pleasure, and I can't really do that. To make up for lost time, we've got two bouts. One I was itching to write and one to coincide with mother's day.

First up: ANNA ROSE VS. BETH DITTO (big girl throwdown)

ANNA ROSE

Anna's a relative newbie in the porn game. She's only got a handful of scenes, and the best bets are the ones she did for BTRA (Big Tits Round Asses, shout out to Preston Parker!) She's cute, part German (I think) and has a very delicate, innocent, doe-eyed vibe in her work. She's stacked to death and looks like she should be haunting Marcello Mastroianni in a Fellini film. I'd Top 10 her without a second thought and that's saying alot as I can't voice a simple preferential opinion without hours of neurotic deliberation. Here's hoping she (along with her hot cheetah-print tramp stamp) makes it big.

BETH DITTO

It'd be a stretch to call Gossip frontwoman Beth Ditto "curvy" or "thick." That girl's just big. Now, I like a big girl. There's something very Botticelli-esque about a lovely looking, ample bosom. Beth Ditto, however, stretches this standard. For every semi-cute snapshot of Beth blowing a fan a kiss or belting out a tune on Letterman, there's an equally nauseating photo of her half-clothed and sweaty, screaming with mussed hair and smudged make-up. I know she's supposed to be this hipster-lesbian-big-girls-rule spokesperson type, but every time she poses naked on the cover of an English music mag or tries to flash a camera, she's knocking big chicks down on the totem pole.

On the plus side, The Gossip have some nice songs.

WINNER: ANNA ROSE

MOTHER'S DAY MAIN EVENT:

FRIDAY VS. NEKO CASE

FIRST UP: FRIDAY

Discounting Ava Devine or the occasional Eden scene, (Linda) Friday is easily the finest working Milf in porn. She's buxom, hot, and in demand, probably one of the best reasons to have a Bangbros or Brazzers pass. Her entire C.V. is filled with perfect scenes, from her chubbier amateur work to her inflatable fake tit MILF scenes even to her scarce but excellent interracial stuff. Friday's got a strength that a disturbing number of porn stars lack.

She genuinely looks like she's having fun.

Every girl plays the part of "I just like sex. I LOVE being on camera!" but it always looks forced and at times awkward or knowing. That sense that you're watching a work can kill a scene. Friday never has that problem. When they put her on MilfLessons at Bangbros, you very nearly buy the whole "we just found this hot mom who wanted to fuck" premise. She just makes fucking for film look enjoyable. Some people say the big "F" tattoo she has over her pussy stands for "fucking" but it really stands for "fun." She's like one of those dancing trampoline girls from The Man Show, only naked and taking lots of cock.

HER OPPONENT

NEKO CASE

So, yeah, if you want to be a twat about it, technically Neko Case isn't a milf, since she's not a mom, but she could be. She's starting to get that Tennessee Williams, woman-of-a-certain-age southerner thing going on, even if she is vaguely Canadian (born in VA, though, so represent.) When her last solo album, Fox Confessor Brings The Flood came out, I used to listen to it nightly. I literally couldn't sleep without it. Her voice is just so fucking relaxing.

Yeah, she's gorgeous, but I feel bad pointing that out when you consider how disgustingly fantastic her music is. Her voice is so clear and angelic, her songwriting rich with depth and texture. Her music turns my headphones into a Fleshlight for my ears. Plus, she was on Aqua Teen Hunger Force.

WINNER: NEKO CASE

Wachowskis Reinvent Family Film; General Public Fresh Out Of Give-A-Fuck Juice

2008-05-12T10:22:00.002-04:00

I'm going to say something very few people have heard from friends, critics or industry insiders: Speed Racer kicked ass.

Let's assess some shit. The Wachowski Brothers are responsible for The Matrix, this generation's Star Wars(actually a compliment) and Bound, arguably the finest lesbian-themed neo-noir of all time. Yeah, the Matrix sequels were "eh." Yeah, they also wrote Assassins, a laughably incoherent action film featuring Sly Stallone and Antonio Banderas. Yeah, V For Vendetta (which they wrote, produced and puppeted through James McTeigue) pissed Alan Moore off. All this aside, they're a legitimately exciting filmmaker duo. They're no Coens, but who said they should be?

Their personal lives are mired in the kind of weird, kinky, sexual controversy that makes all the leather clad dominatrix imagery of their films make a shit-ton more sense, but as filmmakers, they're almost underrated. I say almost because there was a time when people considered them gods (sometime before Reloaded I'd imagine) and then people just wrote them off as slightly more artistic Troy Duffys.

This is why I creamed for Speed Racer so much. The film was poorly marketed and even more poorly reviewed, having made only $20.2 mil over the weekend, barely more than that piece of shit Ashton Kutcher abortion. People are already comparing it to Kingdom of Heaven as this year's first big office bomb.

They're all missing the point.

In this film, the Wachowskis have managed to come of age, even if every hack with a few inches of newspaper space or a blog is saying they just sugarcoated a shit anime adaptation to make money. They've had they're Spielberg moment, and no, I don't care if that sounds like hyperbole.

We're going to ignore all of the obvious things about Speed Racer. If you're not at least somewhat aware of the basic premise, you probably shouldn't be reading anything I write anyway. Yes, the car scenes were orgasmic, but we expected that from the guys who gave us a 14 minute action extravaganza in Matrix Reloaded. Yes, there are some cool fight scenes as well, but who the fuck didn't see that coming? What no one, myself included, expected was the heart.

This is probably the finest, non-animated, non-Pixar, family film this generation has had. The film skews a little too much to the 10 year old crowd at times, with the candy-color, Spy Kids-on-crack imagery and the old-school transition, Tim Burton in the chocolate factory cuteness of it all, but that shit is just window-dressing. It's the Wachowskis saying "Hey, look, no leather clad Christ figures and homoerotic undertones! Bring the family!"

I almost regret not having children, because it would have been enjoyable to share something like this with them. When Scott Porter (so excellent on Friday Night Lights) as a young Rex Racer (nearly as excellent in small but important casting as Linus Roache was for his 5 minutes as Thomas Wayne in Batman Begins) shows young Speed how to race, I felt like a kid again, not like a cynical movie nerd that can't stop looking for references and plot holes. As Speed strives to win a race not with the other drivers but the specter of his lost brother, I was hooked. During the climactic Grand Prix finale, as Speed finally realizes his semi-schmaltzy but still touching drive, I nearly teared up. They actually managed to tug my tiny heart strings while getting me to pop for the car-race-fight-scenes.

I wasn't super-crazy for the second act, which stretched a little too long and seemed to bottom out improperly after the cross-country race sequence, but overall the film held up structurally. The opening act is exctiting, informative (if in a winky, we're adapting a cartoon kind of way) and the whole thing very smooth.

The cast was excellent, particularly Emile Hirsch, who adds a layer of depth (thin though it may be) to a generally vapid character. Matthew Fox kills as Racer X. Christina Ricci is hot and weirdly believable as Speed's girlfriend Trixie. I even liked the kid who played Spridle. Also, did I mention that Korean pop superstar Rain was in it? (RAAAAAAAIIINNNN!!!!)

The only upside to this film bombing is that people's expectations will be perfectly lowered for their next film, Ninja Assassin, pretty well setting the stage for the old triumphant "return to form." I resent that a little, though, because the "return to form" usually implies that the "exit from form" was a mistake, a wrong turn down an unpaved road. I strongly disagree. If proves as awesome as the blatant title suggests, it will have nothing to do with Speed Racer. If anything, I hope it restores their box office cred enough for them to do another film in this vein, because they, like Bryan Singer when he made X2 or Sam Raimi when he got ahole of Spidey, have the family-friendly, pop-art chops.

SIDE NOTE: Iron Man ruled so hard it got your mom pregnant. Please be friendly to your newborn baby brother/sister, as its father will be too busy being epic and fantastic and making millions worldwide.

GO SEE THIS MOVIE AND STAY AFTER THE CREDITS.

Already saw it?

GO SEE IT AGAIN. WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU? REPEAT VIEWINGS PEOPLE.

Observations One Makes At 4AM

2008-05-01T14:23:00.004-04:00

I've been having an inordinate amount of trouble sleeping and it's beginning to drive me batshit crazy, or at least thats what it seems every time the numbers on my digital alarm clock roll past 4:00 am and I'm still in the fetal position, pillow over head, earbuds tucked in ears, trying to fall asleep to solo Neko Case.

Here's the kind of shit that pops into my never-calming mind.

1) The New Pornographers = The Justice League of America

In 1960, Brave and the Bold #28 introduced comicdom to the biggest and baddest superteam to ever grace the 4-color world. In 2000, indie rock was treated to much the same spectacle. It might be that it's been awhile since I revisited the New Porns discography, or it could just be that reading too much Chuck Klosterman drives nerds to see parallels where parallels do not in fact exist, but the evidence is there dammit!

AC Newman is Superman, with his herculean, pop-music writing skills and his understated frontman qualities. Neko Case is obviously Wonder Woman, if for no other reason than she'd look good in amazonian garb. Dan Bejar is the dark knight, always hiding in the shadows and rarely playing live shows with the band. I guess that makes John Collins the Martian Manhunter, which means Kurt Dahle is Aquaman?

Think about it. Their debut, Mass Romantic is very reminiscent of early Gardner Fox JLA stories, while their follow-up Electric Version has the sort of tongue-in-cheek excitability present in the Keith Giffen/J.M. DiMatteis run of the book. Twin Cinema is Grant Morrison's run, epic, grandiose, but no less action-packed. Challengers is Brad Meltzer's recent work on the book (totally making this last one up. I've listened to Challengers exactly 0.4 times.)

I need valium.

2) Peanut Butter Is Good With ANYTHING

Seriously, name a food that isn't a great partner for peanut butter. I dare you. I DOUBLE dare you.

3) Snoop Dogg Is Way Too Young To Call People Nephew

Every time Snoop does a song with Pharrell, he calls him "nephew." THEY'RE BOTH 35. WHAT THE FUCK?

This, of course, can only mean one thing. Snoop isn't really 35. Wikipedia doesn't know the truth. Snoop is a vampire.

4) I Don't Hate Coldplay (and am apparently gay)

I know it doesn't sound that fucking different than they're previous work, but Coldplay's new single "Violet Hill" has totally affixed itself to my brain. I've been humming the goddamn thing for days. Now, I may have to actually download it when it eventually leaks.

(Hey, I'm not saying internet piracy is okay, I'm just saying Chris Martin is already rich and fucking Gwenyth Paltrow. He'll survive without my 15 bucks.)

Also, killer album cover.

5) Robert Downey Jr. Is God

I don't have anything really witty to say about it, it's just fucking true.

5 Albums Not To Miss In '08

2008-04-24T23:39:00.004-04:00

1. N.E.R.D. - N.3.R.D.

After the genre mindfuck rock-pop-hip-hop-skate punk of their debut In Search Of... and the Steely Dan/Zappa influenced 70s soul funk of Fly Or Die, I'm wlling to follow Pharrell, Chad and Shae (what the FUCK does he do in this group? Seriously) into the river Styx.

Luckily, that won't be necessary, as the boys are coming back strong with a new album within the next two or three months. The lead single "Everbody Nose" is an excellent jam ostensibly about coke-snorting party girls and it's really only gotten easier on the ears since it dropped last month.

Pharrell has said in interviews that the album will be less consistent stylistically than their first two releases, being more incoherent and all over the place, a trait usually seen as negative on an album, but could be a welcome progression from the somewhat sameness of their other work.

Here's two live performances of new tracks on the album. The first is called "Spaz" and the second excerpt "Kill Joy."

Fire.

2. Love Is All - A Hundred Things That Keep Me Up At Night

I loved Love Is All's explosive debut LP Nine Times That Same Song to the point that this new album could be a collection of bossa nova covers of Three Doors Down songs and I'd still buy the fucker. Judging from this new live track,

and the skeletons of new tracks available at their Myspace, the new album might be more cohesive and melodic that the gorgeous mess of clashing instruments their first one was. The howling vocals, punky guitar and skronky sax are still in effect though. Regardless, cop that (Swedish) shit.

3. Girl Talk - Wild Peace IV: Feed The Animals, Raise The Dead

Anyone who's heard Night Ripper knows there's pretty much no real reason to decipher Girl Talk's musical style. It's a batshit crazy collage of pop music samples, juxtaposed and repositioned into exciting party bangers that barely resemble the pieces they're made of. A fun game is to get fucked up on your inhibition blocker of choice and try to catch every sample and musical reference on a given track (That's the drum fill from "Sugar We're Goin' Down" and SWV! Is that...Neutral Milk Hotel and Juelz Santana?)

Greg Gillis' new release is most likely going to be a logical extension of such craft, probably opting for more widespread source material. A fake version of the new album leaked on PirateBay last month, and one of the songs on it actually isn't half bad at aping Gillis' style. Prepare to have your mind fucked.

(Fake) Girl Talk - Freak Out
(real) Girl Talk - Smash Your Head

4. Wolf Parade - TITLE TBD

I wasn't always the biggest Wolf Parade fan. I'm not one of those guys who gets excited about Sunset Rubdown or whatever else Spencer Krug is filling his time with, but their debut LP Apologies To The Queen Mary really grew on me. I liked the dichotomy between Krug and Dan Boeckner's musical styles.

Merry Swankster has a track by track preview of the new album, with a few playable songs. I'm intrigued so far. I like that the band can straddle genuine rock outs with more nuanced emotions and proggy flourishes. Also really hoping they go with "Kissing The Beehive" as the title. Can't wait.

5. Andre 3000 - TITLE TBD

I'm pretty annoyed about the new solo album from 3stacks here, mostly because I saw him on MTV Jams doing some bullshit interview for Semi-Pro and he totally said the name of the new album, but no one on the interwebz seems to fucking no what it is, which leads me to believe either:

A) No one in the world other than me (and perhaps DJ Clue) watches MTV Jams.

or

B) It's late, I'm tired, and I'm just not looking hard enough.

Either way, any time Andre releases new music is a time to rejoice. I was expecting another weird Prince-y set of songs, melding genres, moods, and tones, but apparently all of his rampant mixtape work as made Andre hungry for the mic again, as the new shit is supposed to be mostly straightforward hip-hop.

Right now Andre's top 5 dead or alive in the game, so I can't imagine this being anything resembling a disappointment.

Devin The Dude f. Andre 3000 & Snoop - What A Job
Rich Boy f. Andre 3000, Jim Jones, The Game, etc - Throw Some D's (remix)

Well Played, Usher...Well Played.

2008-04-24T21:09:00.003-04:00

So, I already laid into Usher pretty hard last week. I think I lost a shoe up his metaphorical ass for the rampant mediocrity of his new single "Love In This Club." Alot of that was leftover rage from friends and family singing it nearly as often as VH1 Soul and MTV were playing that video. He's not out of my critical doghouse just yet, but his brownie points are accumulating nicely.

Case in point:

"Love In This Club....PART II"!!!!

Is that...BEYONCE? Does this song sound like a retread of over half of Confessions? What kind of bullsh--...wait, is that Weezy?

Oh, I'm sorry sweetheart. I thought you was another single.

I ALMOST fuck with this. Definitely a step in the right direction, regardless of how much further along the road Ush needs to travel.

I Think I Have A Man-Crush On Alex Turner

2008-04-23T21:41:00.003-04:00

No homo.

This is different than the Daniel Craig dude-crush.

I don't secretly harbor a desire to BE Alex Turner, or to wear speedos and drive Aston Martins and chase terrorists. I just cannot for the life of me think of another musician in today's divisive, complex, musical landscape who I feel writes songs for my generation.

I fell for the Arctic Monkeys from the moment I first heard their instant classic debut single, "I Bet You You Look Good On The Dancefloor" about a month or two after it became the talk of every British tabloid and music blogger on the face of the Earth.

I mean, here was this kid and his mates from a little town in England who were all within a year of my own age singing songs about what is essentially suburban ennui. I didn't quite agree with NME magazine for calling Whatever Everybody Says I Am, That's What I'm Not the best British rock album ever, but I did fuck with it so hard my jeans were stained with pre-cum.

I'm kind of an anglophile to begin with, so the thick English accents and hometown Sheffield flourishes were of interest to me, but what stuck with me the most was Turner's lyrics. Oh, the hard charging rhythm section and the guitars and all that helped, but the little tales Turner weaved in three and a half minutes hit me in a way I hadn't been hit since Kanye fell onto the scene.

The song "Dancing Shoes" was pretty much a word-for-word retelling of every night I've ever had out with my friends, drunkenly egging one another on to mingle, only to stand around being cynical and apathetic like it was some sexy sort of defense mechanism. "A Certain Romance" felt like the trailer song to our generation's "Reality Bites," that is, if we had one (and NO, Garden State doesn't count.) Who wasn't at least a little bit touched by the hooker in "When The Sun Goes Down?"

The group got huge, but alot of the focus was on one man. With his rakish frame, his artfully unkempt hair and his jittery on stage presence, Alex Turner was pretty much destined to be a breakout frontman. His public persona became as reserved and enigmatic as his on-record style was verbose and snarky. He'd gained a sort of status as a rock poet laureate reminiscent of Morrissey.

That's why I was a little surprised when Favourite Worst Nightmare hit the shelves, and Turner, probably in some way perturbed by being pigeonholed as the witty, slice-of-life lyrics guy, had toned down the caustic observations that made the first album so easy to relate to.

Alex's style changed as well. Gone were the thrown together combinations of ratty polo shirts and jeans. In came the cool peacoats and the slightly suave attitude.

I liked the follow-up fine. Musically, it was a step in a better direction, and songs like "Brianstorm" and "Flourescent Adolescent" still kept the razor sharp storytelling skills we all loved, but there was one song in particular that won me over.

"505," the album closer, was a different beast than most Arctic Monkeys songs. It had a melancholy, ethereal quality to it that the rest of the album's musical progression had only hinted at. A dreamy, windswept ode to an absent love, it was pretty much the zenith of the kind of maturation Alex Turner and his bandmates were going through. Then, he went and did what every up-and-coming musician does at some point when hubris comes a-knockin.

He made a side-project.

Teaming up with Rascals frontman Miles Kane, Klaxons producer James Ford (on drums), and Final Fantasy's Owen Pallet arranging strings, Turner has released my early pick for favorite album of the year. I know it's early, but I'm not one known for giving a fuck. The Last Shadow Puppets' (as they're called) debut release, The Age Of Understatement is a throwback to the dramatic, grandiosity of 60s pop music. Drawn from inspirations as diverse as David Bowie, Ennio Morricone and pretty much every Bond song ever (see? The Daniel Craig reference wasn't a throwaway), this album is a huge step forward for Alex Turner.

Where he used to focus his gift for word craft and powers of observation on pretentious bar patrons and girls in clubs, he know paints on a broader canvass, writing songs that sound like they should be in French New Wave cinema. The title track sounds like a spaghetti western, and more than one friend I've foisted this album onto has made the Bond connection when they heard the opening of "In My Room."

My personal favorite song on the album, "Calm Like You," feels like a post-WWII love story, full of dreamy regret and an intensity of emotion most don't even bother with anymore. Where every Arctic Monkeys song sounded like it could make a perfect music video, no three minute clip could contain the drama and conflict present in this new set of tunes. Each feels like its own little cinematic powder keg.

What this means for the Arctic Monkeys I'm not sure. They're preparing a third release for this year, but we're not quite sure what to expect. A further evolution of sound, perhaps drifting even further from their initial Strokes-y garage rock and further into a more (over)produced arena style. In all fairness, I couldn't care less. I'm just glad I don't have to wait any longer for my next fix.

Arctic Monkeys - When The Sun Goes Down
Arctic Monkeys - 505
The Last Shadow Puppets - In The Heat Of The Morning (Bowie cover)

People Who Annoy The Living Fuck Out Of Me

2008-04-20T20:38:00.003-04:00

1) People Who Can't Handle Their Liquor

Maybe I'm just more practiced in the art of getting fucked up, but what is it with people who feel that imbibing booze gives them some sort of "Be An Asshole For Free" card? I'm not one of those straight-edge kids who thinks all forms of drinking are in some way morally bereft.

I drink all the time and the worst I've ever done as far as lack of inhibitions is concerned is ridicule people at IHOP or sing the occasional Stone Temple Pilots song. Why then, do other people see getting plastered as an opportunity to live out their favorite moments from Real World/Road Rules Challenge?

Here's what I know. If I can drink a fifth of vodka in ten minutes and remain relatively civilized, then you have no excuse to have a psychopathic emotional breakdown after a couple of shots of Bacardi.

I'm not saying liquor doesn't affect different people in different ways, and I totally understand the need to blow off steam and get shit off your chest, I'm just saying don't harsh my buzz because you want to go all Margot Kidder and shit.

(see also: DRUNK GIRLS WHO FALL ASLEEP AT BARS)

2) Christian Rockers

I really don't know a way to expound on this without being considered insensitive, so I won't bother candy-coating it. Christian rock makes my ears bleed. If at the gates of heaven, they're playing a boom-box of this shit, I'll take my chances on the ass-end of the river Styx, or, rather, listen to Styx, the band.

I need to be clear. It isn't the "Christian" part that bothers me so much. It's the "rock" part, or, really, the lack of it.

If all Christian rock music sounded like regular rock music, only substituting Jesus for the Lord of Darkness, and some sort of hand-jivey, halo symbol for the time-tested devil horns, then I suppose I could get behind it. I'm all for rocking, regardless of the deity we're invoking (although I personally always invoke Bacchus). The problem is that Christian rock, by and large, is the most milquetoast, vapid, flaccid form of guitar-driven music in the world. Polka has more balls than Christian rock.

Honestly, how many different ways are there to remind us how "awesome" your God is. Shouldn't that be self-explanatory by virtue of his having created the entirety of existence out of thin fucking air? Do I need some insipid asswipe with an emo-mop, an acoustic guitar and a underdeveloped sense of humor to remind me how wonderfully fantastically superbly whatever his religion of choice is? Isn't it implied?

I'm certain there are Christian rock bands that are awesome (Pedro The Lion is kind of cool). They just seem to be hiding. I know people love to say that they listen to all types of music "except country" but I think we should collectively replace that oft-maligned genre of honky-tonk with the one genre of music I think all forms of life would be altogether happy without: Christian rock.

(see also: TRANCE)

3) Dane Cook

I know it's become kind of vogue amongst the hipster set to unfairly criticize Dane Cook, if for no other reason than his immense popularity. I like Dane Cook, generally. I laughed hysterically at pretty much all of his pre-Tourgasm material. My problem isn't that he's so big now and all over the place. My problem is that he hasn't done anything new or interesting in years and that is somehow not reflected in how people perceive him.

I suppose its common for someone who's popular under the radar to oversimplify their style and persona to gain crossover success. It works for some people (The Shins, Sam Raimi, Barack Obama) but for others it just reminds us of how shallow their reportoire really is. I don't think I've fallen out of love with a pop cultural entity this fast since Ben Stiller, and at least his fall from grace didn't make his earlier work less funny.

Sadly I can't say the same for Dane Cook. Movies like Employee of The Month and Good Luck, Chuck actually make his old material less funny. It's sad.

(see also: THE STROKES {sorry, Julian})

4) The Guy Who Invented Oreo Cakesters

Those things are so addictive. Like, seriously, do you have one? I'll give you a half-and-half right now. I'm kidding, but seriously, I'm totally not. I love them.

(see also: THE GUY WHO INVENTED CRACK COCAINE {free-base!!!})

5) Madonna

Madge's been annoying the fuck out of me on a regular basis since I first discovered my snark gland, but she's pushing it now. I could forgive the bullshit, fake-English accent thing. I could forgive her keeping husband/director Guy Ritchie in a velvet lined dungeon baby-sitting all day. I could even overlook the fact that she's starting to show all of her forty-nine years and STILL insisting on dressing/dancing like a gen-y, tweener whorebag. I cannot, however, forgive her latest transgression.

She's managed to release the catchiest pop record of the year. Yeah, she didn't do a whole helluva lot of work (that would be Justin, Timbo, Danja, and Pharrell, among others) but still: I can't stop singing any of her songs. I'm so hooked I even went back to old shit. I fucking hated "Hung Up" when it came out now I can't stop listening to it. I'm talking way back. Like, "Borderline."

I've probably seen the video to "4 Minutes To Save The World" 3,000 times. I don't care that the song sounds like the theme song to Nickelodeon's GUTS (thanks am.fm.pm.) or that the video makes you think the song's real title is "4 Minutes To Prance Around Like College Kids On Bathtub Speed At A Grocery Store."

She has to be stopped. Can you imagine me at a convenience store at 11:30 at night buying cheap beer with laundry change while singing "Candy Store" to myself? I look like the bouncer at a gay bar on lunch break. Like a prayer. Like a virgin. Like a goddamn pain in my ass.

(see also: BRITNEY SPEARS {pre-batshit insanity})

The Spirit - Teaser

2008-04-20T13:57:00.004-04:00

The last time I spoke about legendary graphic novelist Frank Miller, the man who gave us shirtless Spartans spouting bloodshed one-liners at one another like cool-prick catchphrase was their native tongue, I made some disparaging remarks: he's a douche, he sucks, I'm gonna "knife" him, etc...

I wasn't in the least bit excited about his upcoming film adaptation of Will Eisner's The Spirit. Then I saw this poster. It's pretty dead-on. I like the incorporation of the text into the cityscapes, an Eisner staple. It's striking.

Then I saw this:

Does it still look too much like Sin City? Well, yeah. It feels too dark and over-the-top to really represent the brilliance Eisner imbued this legendary character with, but I'll say this for it:

It looks fucking cool.

When it all comes down to it, that's pretty much the only thing that's going to get asses in seats for a character created when most of this generation's grandparents were kids who's had little to no mainstream media exposure.

Maybe Frank Miller is on to something...the fucker.

Porn Star Vs. Indie Songstress: Volume 4

2008-04-11T15:42:00.004-04:00

Today, a pairing of my two favorite things: dreamy, catchy songs written by cute girls...and breasts.

REPPIN' PORNO-GRAF-IA

BRANDY TALORE

STATS:
HT: 5'2"
WT: 127lbs
DOB: 2-2-82
MEASUREMENTS: 36DDD-28-34

Brandy is the queen of big bust baby dolls. She's cute, soft-spoken, buxom like a motherfucker, and yet she still manages to imbue her scenes with a voracity uncommon in the typical ice-queen, barely legal cheerleader-type porn gal.

The first five minutes of a Brandy Talore scene are always played very coy, like she has no idea she's the cover-girl for a gonzo flick. Just when you're about to go "fuck it, there's bigger titties out there" she gets down to business and glues your cock to your hand for the rest of the scene.

She's like a porno version of Audrey Hepburn. Can she be stopped?

HER OPPONENT

SOKO

STATS:
Does it really matter? Look at her.

Soko was born Stephanie Sokolinski. She was born in Bordeaux but she's Polish. She's also an actress. I've never seen any of her films, nor do I plan to in the immediate future, but I heard this song of hers:

I spent the next three hours on hold with a junior exec in charge of programming at VH1. The only reason she's not the next "You Oughta Know" artist is because said junior exec decided he no longer accepted blowjobs as a form of payola grease.

Just look at that girl: surly, removed, sure of herself, but vulnerable. That's the kind of girl you woo for months to no avail until you get sloshed on Jim Beam and Red Bull and fuck her best friend, only to discover she's written a hit song about the kind of prick you are. Or, more to the point, the kind of girl I melt for.

If only she had an understated violent streak!

Really? Thanks France. I'll officially stop making fun of you for needing our help back in dubya-dubya-two.

WINNER: Soko...she is none other.

Your Boy Made A Muxtape

2008-04-11T15:24:00.003-04:00

No, it's not a misspelling. It's my new passtime. Muxtape is a new way to not be productive in this crazy, technocentric world of ours. You just upload mp3s and make your own little, sparely designed playlist.

Here's mine.

music to blog to

It's mostly a mix of hot, hip-hop tracks and kinda mellow tunes. Typical me.

Overheard At Wendy's

2008-04-11T14:10:00.005-04:00

Two friends sit across from one another, a tray of food between them.

DOM: Dude, you know what's weirdly cute?
JIMMA: Nah.
DOM: Girls that say "hambugger." You know, like they're fucking eleven or some shit. Like, "can I have a 'hambugger'?"
JIMMA: Okay...
DOM: It's so fucking cute. I mean, it's annoying as all get out, but it's cute. It's like, there's a fucking R in there, you know? It's a fairly important R. It's the most important R since Kelly.

Beat.

JIMMA: Wow.
DOM: C'mon, I like that one.
JIMMA: So, do you want to use a lifeline? Maybe poll the audience...see how much of a dumbass you are?
DOM: I'll use the 50/50.
JIMMA: Yeah, take two of those answers away. Yep, still an asshole.

A cute couple stumbles by.

DOM: (low tones) Excuse me, sir? I'd like to fuck your girlfriend.
JIMMA: Huh, my--

He turns around.

JIMMA: Oh, I see what you're doing there.

I'm Gonna Fucking Knife Frank Miller

2008-04-11T11:24:00.004-04:00

Hyperbole? More like a fucking start.

This man must be stopped. I'm NOT fucking around here, people. He is the subject of the worst fall from grace since Lucifer The Goddamn Morningstar fell from the heavens. For those that don't speak fluent fanboy and only know Frank Miller as the guy who gave Hollywood Sin City and 300, a lesson is in order.

Frank Miller, at one point, was my hero. I wanted to BE Frank Miller. I didn't want to be a nerdy, rakish, 40something cartoonist, per se, but I did want to be so awesome my tear ducts leaked blood (which, I suppose, is debatable. I don't know if thats Frank or Le Chiffre, but whatevs.)

In the mid-1980s, the only man who could rival Frank Miller in the comic book industry was Alan Moore, and the only man who could rival Alan Moore was NOBODY BECAUSE HE'S A LIVING GOD AMONGST US, furthering my comparison to Lucifer.

Frank was a writer-artist of the highest order. His work on Batman, Daredevil, and later, his own aforementioned creator-owned series, are the stuff of legends. Picture Martin Scorsese in the late seventies. Samuel Peckinpah right when he made The Wild Bunch. Kandi Kream in Big Black Wet Asses 4. Frank was unto GODS.

Between Daredevil: Born Again, Batman: Year One, The Dark Knight Returns and Sin City, Frank was unstoppable. Even a lame adaptation of his aborted Robocop 2 screenplay was well-received.

Then, something happened.

No one knows for certain, but Frank changed. DC Comics paid him a reported cool $1 million to write and illustrate The Dark Knight Strikes Again, a wholly unnecessary sequel to his legendary opus. After a lame, needlessly complex story and an excruciating release schedule, I figured I could write Frank Miller's weirdness off.

I mean, the man is untouchable, and he's allowed some missteps, right? The suprisingly awesome film adaptations came next, and who needs to hear more about them, right? Despite Frank's propensity for trite, unspeakable dialogue, his overly macho and eerily romantic stylings made for pretty fun movie times. Who hasn't seen Sin City or 300 oodles of times?

Then this happened:

DC Comics gave Frank free reign on the character that helped make him famous alongside superstar artist Jim Lee and he turned in a farce on par with Adam West's laughable interpretation of the character and Joel Schumacher, who managed to turn a legendary myth into a big-budget gay porno. This is the man that Frank Miller has become.

You see, I'm okay with that, though. All-Star Batman & Robin is nothing if not entertaining. I don't even rate Frank as a comics entity anymore. What worries me is Hollywood.

Those backwater rejects are always a few steps behind the zeitgeist, and, the fools, they don't quite realize that Frank is a whacko years past his prime. They don't realize that Sin City is over ten years old. They don't get that giving Frank Miller a budget and a camera is a dangerous thing.

For god's sake someone's already signed him up to write and direct a movie about Raymond Chandler's Philip Marlowe. Clive Owen's going to be in it. Do you see? This isn't just about comic book nerds. This is CLIVE OWEN. Frank can't kill Clive's career.

It's just not fucking right.

But that's not what my beef is either. Clive's a big boy. He can take care of himself. I'm worried about The Spirit.

When Will Eisner created The Spirit in 1940, he could have just been another masked crime fighter amidst of tsunami of disguised detectives and pulp characters. Eisner, a cartoonist so legendary they named the comics equivalent of an Oscar after him, turned what could have been a typical Dick Tracy retread into one of the best creative and innovative comic strips in history. Anything amazing you've liked about comics Will Eisner did it first in The Spirit. Seven pages in the newspaper every week and Eisner turned it into comic books' Citizen Kane.

So, sure, Hollywood thinks its a great idea to let Frank Miller make it a movie. He was actually friends with Eisner. He's an avid fan. Nerds trust him. Easy decision, right?

WRONG.

Frank Miller is turning The Spirit into some sort of a creepy Sin City back-up story.

Ignore the green screen (or try to.) Ignore the fact that star Gabriel Macht looks like he walked off the set of the "Ayo Technology" video. Ignore the fact that he looks like Dwight in a domino mask.

No, wait, don't ignore that. What the fuck, Frank? Stop raping the 1950s childhood I wish I had! Every fucking character doesn't have to be so superficially dark and gritty. Did you learn nothing from the early 1990s?

You think that's bad? Look at his "interpretation" of The Spirit's arch-nemesis, The Octopus, a character, mind you, WE NEVER SEE FULLY. A man who creates menace just by his silhouette, or the sight of his purple gloved hand.

Here's Sam Jackson as the same character.

I'm sorry. He's got to go. It's gonna hurt me alot more than it'll hurt him. That's just the way potassium chloride rocks. I don't want to unfairly judge what could be an interesting adaptation of a comic strip loved by millions over a few leaked on-set photos, but I just can't see how the Frank Miller of 2008 can make this work.

1986 Frank Miller? Him I'd give a chance, but this guy? I don't think so.

Do Androids Dream of Chris Brown At The VMA's?

2008-04-11T10:13:00.004-04:00

In an interview with XXL Magazine, Kanye West claimed that the only real competition he had in the pop music game was Justin Timberlake. To be more specific, he compared himself to Prince and JT to Michael Jackson. Now, grandstanding aside, the comparison is apt.

Kanye is generally the main author of his own music, even if he uses drum machines and copious soul samples where Prince would use his seemingly endless repertoire of instrumental expertise. Justin is a dancing r&b juggernaut who relies heavily on all-star producers, Timbaland being Quincy Jones in the MJ metaphor here.

Its the type of throwaway pull-out quote Kanye is (in)famous for. Bloated ego kept unchecked. His arguement, does, however, raise an important question. If Kanye is Prince, and Justin is Michael (and I'm not saying this is absolutely true, but IF) then where the fuck does that leave Usher Raymond?

Kanye and 50 Cent may have played Sherlock and Moriarty for the cameras to bolster record sales, but there are no two other pop cultural icons I suspect wish each other untold levels of torment than Usher and Justin. They're like Supes and Lex. Bats and The Joker. The Doctor and The Master. Those niggas HATE each other.

When Justin took time off from recording to make mediocre movies (sorry Edison Force) and fuck mediocre women (sorry Cameron), Usher released Confessions, far and away the best recording effort of his weirdly long career. Both men steal relentlessly from Michael Jackson. In their particular niche its impossible not to, but with the drop of that album and the inescapable ubiquity of "Yeah!" and "Burn" Usher seemed to cement the crown.

Being the next Michael Jackson in pop R&B music is like being the next Shawn Michaels in wrestling. There's always an assload of candidates, but only a few real front runners. (How many times were Edge and Jeff Hardy crowned the next HBK, and really only because Christian and Matt Hardy were the de-facto Marty Jannetty?)

Each candidate has equal things going for him. Usher is a falsetto-rocking dancing fool who's been making music since childhood and Justin is a falsetto-rocking dancing fool who used to be in the biggest boy band in the world. They were my super-secret favorite music feud for a few years running.

Then Justin dropped Futuresex/Lovesounds.

I imagine that on that day Usher did him some crying. Like, real crying. Not that "Confessions pt.II"-I-wanna-sell-some-records crying.

Justin managed to, with immense help from Timbo, Danja and will.i.am, reinvent himself as some sort of David Bowie-MJ hybrid whose music could only be stopped if your iPod ran out of battery or your stereo was hit by rolling blackouts.

"My Love" owns your fucking life and you damn well know it.

Usher included, because I bet that vindictive, Chili-cheating anachronism has listened to the track far more than any of us have. Like I said: Hatfields and McCoys. Kree and Skrulls. Woody Allen and Philip Roth. Nemeses.

So, now Usher's gone through some life changes (a baby will do that to ya) and he's dropped a new single.

The video is pretty predictable:

- weird lighting flourishes that hip hop directors cribbed from Patrick Daughters videos with The Secret Machines and Yeah Yeah Yeahs.
- A club production-designed to look like Lord of Darkness' banquet hall from Legend.
- More cameos than a DJ Khaled video.

What's strange is the morbid, broken-fantasy imagery. A club that "isn't" there. Women that whisper in your ear and disappear. The remnants of youth. If this video wasn't made by a new husband and father, I don't know what is. There's just one problem:

I hate this goddamn song.

It's so mediocre. This is some 8701 shit. This is the equivalent of what would happen if Justin released "Bye Bye Bye" as a single on his next album. Usher knows better than this, and if for some reason having a kid made him forget, producer Polow Da Don knows better than this.

"I never slip/I never fall" indeed, Polow.

What's more is he reportedly leaked this single. Now, either this nigga's a SKRULL or he's in cahoots with JT.

How else do you explain Usher releasing a certifably "ok" club song as his lead single. Its entirely possible this song will catch on and I'll feel differently about it. As it stands, I'm just disappointed. I wanted a rivalry, not a lynching. At this rate, Usher won't have to worry about Justin. He'll have to worry about Chris "Wall-to-wall" Brown.

The next in line to be Michael Jackson, sort of a Prince Harry here, if you will, and the boy's gaining heat like he's got fire coming out of his ass (an indelible image I wouldn't be surprised to discover on the cover of Brown's next release.) Anyone doubting the validity of his claim to the throne need only watch this past VMA presentation. Even I was awed, and I'd been cracking jokes about this kid for a year.

Usher needs to step his shit up. Where's the Weezy collab? Where's the crossover production of a DJ Toomp, giving the kind of street-club cred Lil' Jon supplied on Confessions? Shit, I never thought I'd say it, but "Where's Diddy?"

I got love for you, Ush, but if you want to stop crying yourself to sleep with images of Justin Timberlake getting hatcheted to death by a vengeful, blood drunk and listless Cameron Diaz, then you need to prepare yourself for war.

I Will Stalk (the living shit out of) Your Heart

2008-04-11T07:58:00.003-04:00

It's a well documented fact that Death Cab For Cutie frontman Ben Gibbard kind of creeps me out. I dig the band's music on occasion, but seriously, look at his weirdly cubical dome and tell me you aren't the least bit perturbed.

The band has released a video for their new single "I Will Possess Your Heart" off of their upcoming album Narrow Stairs.

I'm legitimately excited about the album, and not just because the cover reminds me of those weird water color-y transitions from Punch-Drunk Love. Mostly, though, I'm just struck by how similar this video is to another classic, semi-stalker-ish love song.

Journey - Separate Ways
Uploaded by analogue

STEVE PERRY LIVES.

But seriously, all love songs are written by sad, obsessive beta males, and the fact that some women are actually turned on by tracks like this is a fucked up double standard that needs to stop. Every time a girl is awed by Ben Gibbard plaintively strumming a guitar and singing "I Will Follow You Into The Dark" she is innocuously condoning getting stalked by that "kinda-funny-and-probably-funny-looking" guy who works the mid-shift at FedEx-Kinko's with her.

Say what you will about Tawny Kitaen and other car-humping 80s metal babes, but at least they perpetuated exactly the kind of stereotypical male that most young women end up getting with. I'm not saying stop breaking hearts, ladies. Without your cruel help, there'd be no pop music.

I'm just saying stop encouraging fey, glasses-wearing, navel-gazing Elvis Costello wannabes by letting them hear you say how touching "Transatlanticism" was.

Long Time No Post

2008-04-11T07:41:00.003-04:00

I don't really have a legit excuse for being so derelict in my blog upkeep. I'd like to quote Love Is All lead singer Josephine Olausson and say that I've been "busy doing nothing" but even that would be an overstatement.

Regardless, I've got some shit cooking today, so, if you're the type of person who enjoys this sort of shit, prepare to...enjoy it, I suppose.

For everyone else, here's a picture of Nick Manning.

THINGS NICK MANNING DROPS LOADS ON (according to a survey of drunken college students)

- Bitches.
- Hoes.
- Some sort of sexy bitch-ho hybrid. (or, failing that, Sativa "bee-stung" Rose)
- Eva Angelina.
- Bill Belichick.
- Anyone that fouls on Boris Motherfucking Diaw.
- Penny Marshall's 1992 directorial effort A League of Their Own
- The brand-new Spicy Baconator from Wendy's.
- Sodam & Gamorrah.
- Your mom.

April Fool's Ruins Boy's Dreams

2008-04-01T09:59:00.003-04:00

In the interest of full disclosure, I am the titular boy who will spend the rest of the day disappointed. PopDose had posted a story this morning about how Guns N' Roses had finally released Chinese Democracy via online download, very In Rainbows-esque.

My ignorant ass forgot it was April 1st. Now I'll never get my free Dr. Pepper

In other April Fool's news, be on the lookout for a new The Dark Knight trailer or more viral marketing related letdowns over at clowntravelagency.com

Fucking April Fool's.

Get Your Mickey Factz Straight

2008-03-26T18:41:00.004-04:00

I don't know where it came from, but I think I have a new favorite musical subgenre. The cool kids are calling it "hipster hop." I calls it "can i has a more?"

This quaint little umbrella includes artists like Kid Sister, The Cool Kids, Flosstradamus, and others. I've always been a fan of underground hip hop music, from Def Jux to the okayplayer, Roots-types. I fuck with all of it. The thing I'm liking about this new little wrinkle is that its bringing back something hip hop music's been missing: fun.

Yeah, you could argue that Soulja Boy just wants to have fun, but fuck him (YAHHH TRICK YAHHH). I'm talking about being enjoyable without being retarded. The Roots, Talib Kweli, dead prez: all amazing hip hop acts. I love them to death, but they're so fucking deep. They're intrinsically bound with their ideologies and political leanings that its hard to just kick back with them in your headphones.

Def Jux labelmates like Aesop Rock and El-P are awesome, too, but they're so out there. They all subscribe to that Kool Keith-Dr. Octagon, weird-as-fuck school of hip hop production, with their overly verbose rhymes and generally headache inducing flows.

To ask a question posed by Ghostface Killah in a recent interview, whatever happened to "can I kick it?"

Its back, bitches.

These new artists fuse skate culture, hipster fashion senses, late 80s native-tongues attitude, and bass-and-drum heavy beats with clever pop culture references and a likable swagger. I know everyone was getting used to calling Lupe Fiasco the future of hip hop, but, pocket thesaurus and sociopolitical insight notwithstanding, he's not it.

Listen to "I Rock" from The Cool Kids or "Southside" from Kid Sister. These motherfuckers are the future.

The guy I'm really fucking with right now is Mickey Factz. He rolls with Chuck Inglish and Mickey Rocks (of the Cool Kids) and he's got two killer mixtapes that you have to hear.

"In Search of The N.E.R.D." is a compendium of killer freestyles laid over N.E.R.D. instrumentals and his follow-up "Heaven's Fallout" shows a lot of growth in a little time.

Both are available at www.gfcny.com

He's no Weezy, but I know we haven't heard the last of him.

SECRET INVASION SPOILERS!!!!!

2008-03-26T16:58:00.010-04:00

This is for the fanboys.

Every year, the Big Two comic book publishers put out their own blockbuster mini-series in an attempt to capture the summer movie extravaganza feel and you can define who you are by which one you're excited about. DC Comics is gearing up for their big continuity shattering event Final Crisis from certifiably insane scotsman Grant Morrison and J.G. Jones while Marvel is prepping Secret Invasion from Brian Michael Bendis and Leiil Yu. I'll read both, and I love Grant, but I'm pumped for Invasion.

The series follows a story that's been hiding in the Marvel Universe and planned for about four years wherein Skrulls, an evil, shape-shifting, alien race hellbent on taking over Earth, have infiltrated the super-hero community. It's very reminiscent of V and the new Battlestar Galactica only happening in the mainstream Marvel universe. Basically, anyone could be a Skrull.

Recently, some pretty crazy spoilers got revealed in a pretty crazy controversy by an alleged marvel intern/blogger called marvel b0y. There's a few stories about the issue here and here.

I've actually tracked down the "big" spoilers he wrote about. If they're true, they're cool, even though the general nerd consensus is that this is some hype-viral-bullshit on Marvel's part to get some publicity. The things he said do match up with some notes editor Tom Brevoort posted recently (here), so who knows?

I, myself, have gotten my hands on some insider info to how the eight-issue series ends. It's a big, big, big fucking spoiler, so prepare yourself:

CLICK IF YOU DARE

Yes. You just got rickrolled.
But, hey, even Rick Astley could be a Skrull.

Top 5 Eerie Acoustic Covers I Like Way Too Much

2008-03-26T16:07:00.006-04:00

Most covers suck.

This is not an overstatement. Anyone who has ever been subjected to Sheryl Crow's anal rape of Guns N' Roses' "Sweet Child O' Mine" can attest to that. The rare occasion when one musician takes another's work and reinterprets it is to be celebrated. I picked these five because they're all peculiar live performances that on paper should suck balls but are actually pretty cool.

5. "Billie Jean" - Chris Cornell (Michael Jackson cover)

I came across this on comic book writer Brian Michael Bendis' message board. At first I was freaked out, then I was kind of intrigued, then I went back to being freaked out, then I listened to it another three or four times. I dig it. Its the second most surprising thing Cornell has done that I like (the first being his Bond song in Casino Royale.)

4. "Cry Me A River" - Glen Hansard (Justin Timberlake cover)

After seeing Once I totally fell in love with the musical stylings for Glen Hansard. The Irish-guy-with-a-guitar genre is pretty well plummed, but something about the emotions he evokes is startling and genuine. Plus, he seems to have a quiet, understated sense of irony, which is always welcome.

3. "Sweet Fantasy" - Owen Pallet (of Final Fantasy) (Mariah Carey cover)

Anyone who can channel Screaming Mimi armed only with a violin (or is it a viola?), a looping board, and what I eyeball at 76lbs of body weight is pretty fucking impressive. I've never been a big Final Fantasy fan, but this cover is cute, sort of the way a young girl is when she puts on mommy's make-up, or, come to think of it, a young boy in mommy's make-up.

2. "Thriller" - Ben Gibbard (Michael Jackson cover)

Despite looking suspiciously like a Lego blockhead person brought to life by some feeble, Gepetto-type, Ben Gibbard's got some soul. Not a lot of soul, mind you, but enough. He manages to turn probably the least scary song written about scary things ever into the scariest. In the original, there's so much dancing and Quincy Jones produced awesome that you seldom feel afraid (except for all the Vincent Price stuff, or choice parts of the legendary music video.) Here, though, beneath the veneer of hipstery "Hey, I know that song!" snark, there's some genuine chills to be had.

1. "Since U Been Gone/Maps" - Ted Leo (Kelly Clarkson/ Yeah Yeah Yeahs cover)

I love Ted Leo. He's like a little indie-rock Bruce Springsteen. I also seriously love the song that made Kelly Clarkson tolerable, but before this cover, it wasn't quite okay to admit to that. To be honest, it still isn't, but I feel comfortable knowing Ted's in my corner, eating a veggie burger and nodding his head. Also, gotta love that he capitalizes on the ripped Nick Zinner guitar part to seque into another great song no one should feel ashamed to love.

Bonus:

I don't like Donnie Darko as much as most fanatics do, but this is a pretty choice cover. Most know it from that freaky Gears of War tv spot.

"Mad World" - Gary Jules (Tears For Fears cover)

Thanks A Bunch, Public School

2008-03-25T14:24:00.004-04:00

Apparently the Blog Readability Test says I'm a fucking idiot. The weird thing is that when I gave it the URL of my facebook blog, it said "High School" even though half of that blog is imported posts from here.

I smell conspiracy. That or I've been getting really lazy with my prose.

To be fair, My Old Kentucky Blog is apparently "Elementary School" level, the same as a blog I kept up back in high school. Sorry, Dodge. I feel your pain.

Stupid MF - Mindless Self Indulgence

Genre Ear Marks in Trailers or "King Kong Ain't Got Shit On Keanu!!!"

2008-03-24T18:29:00.004-04:00

I'm a movie trailer addict. Nine times out of ten, if I see a good movie in theaters, but I have to sit through fifteen minutes of bullshit previews, I have a bad feeling in my gut for the rest of the film.

File under reason #2046 why I loves the interwebs. Trailers are just a click away!

There's something about movie trailers that makes them almost superior to the films themselves. Everyone knows a comedy trailer has all the funny parts in the movie condensed into two minutes, complete with funny sound effects used as censors for the f-bombs and what have you. Case in point: Tropical Thunder

I want to see this movie, but I'd just as soon not. Why? Because the trailer's got me fucking covered. Ben Stiller will be entertaining for his usual twenty minutes before I get sick of seeing his face. Steve Coogan will be an underrated scene-stealer. I will continue to wish I was Robert Downey Jr. I'm good to fucking go.

Everyone knows the comedy trailer. You should. Its what pretty much everyone actually leaves the house to watch. Less viewed, but equally interesting are trailers to twisty, nothing-is-what-it-seems dramas that never make enough money to matter to the general public and lack the gravitas it takes for awards.

This year, we've got Deception, an erotic-thriller starring Hugh Jackman and Ewan McGregor that is guaranteed to change titles for another time before its theatrical release.

See? That's a trailer.

- Easy to follow, dangerously unrealistic Hitchcockian premise? Check.
- At least two(2) familiar actors playing opposing forces? Check.
- At least two(2) hot female characters whose sole narrative purpose is gratuitous displays of flesh? Check.
- Hammy and ridiculous titles designed to make everything seem foreboding and uncertain? Check.

Now, if Ewan was playing Obi-Wan and Jackman playing Wolverine, this movie would be even more appetizing.

Lastly, my personal favorite.

David Ayer has made a nice little niche for himself in Hollywood. He wrote Training Day and did some script doctoring on SWAT and has been the go-to guy for Los Angeles-set, gritty crime dramas ever since. This latest collab with legendary noir writer James Ellroy (Ayer also worked on Dark Blue) was originally titled The Night Watchman but was changed to Street Kings.

I'm just happy they didn't spell it with a 'z.'

The Street Kings Trailer from Alltid Aldri on Vimeo.

Everything an urban crime drama needs in today's marketplace.

- Rappers turned actors. (see American Gangster)
- Forest Whitaker (see:, well, nothing, he's just awesome)
- A hip-hop song reminding us of what the "street" feels like (yeah, it's Lupe Fiasco, which seems almost like a mistake. Everyone knows black people don't like Lupe. Maybe Rick Ross wouldn't give a clearance.)
- Keanu letting out the badass, which sounds exactly like Keanu in everything, including The Lake House.

Ben Stiller will make an assload of money and try and keep the comedic juggernaut that is Judd Apatow at bay. No one will see Deception except bored people thinking its some kind of porn, and Street Kings will either be fantastic and a new staple of the genre, or a joke. I'm hoping the former, but I'm totally prepared to get down with the latter.

Scott Pilgrim - THE MOVIE

2008-03-21T19:19:00.015-04:00

Edgar Wright saved my life once.

Okay, that's not quite true. Edgar Wright saved my life loads of times. His work (Shaun of the Dead, Hot Fuzz, the awesomeness that is Spaced) is the type of pop culture madness that nerds wish they were capable of creating on their own. He is a geek God of massive proportions.

That is why when I heard he'd be adapting Bryan Lee O'Malley's graphic novel opus Scott Pilgrim's Precious Little Life I flipped my fucking shit. I literally had a coronary. If you've never read any of the Scott Pilgrim books:

A) I hate you and we can't be friends anymore.
B) Seriously, you can't even come to my housewarming Party.
C) I don't care if you brought beer.
D) Stop reading this and go buy the books.

Scott Pilgrim is a 23 year old Canadian slacker who must do battle with his new girlfriend's seven evil ex-boyfriends in order to keep dating her. Yes, it is exactly as awesome as it sounds, only moreso.

Bryan Lee O'Malley has given us the perfect synthesis of everything I love. Indie rock, video games, manga, unrequited romance. I seriously cannot think of a series as brilliant as this one to come from the world of comics in forever.

So, to recap: Edgar Wright + Scott Pilgrim = Super Happy Funtime - $10.

One of my best friends and I once spent forty-five minutes at a Red Robin eating fries and dream casting the upcoming Scott Pilgrim movie. We did one serious casting session, and one mostly utilizing friends of ours we thought would be good fits (seriously, Ryan McGovern could totally play Scott.)

Alas, none of our nerd babble included Michael Cera, who is actually going to BE playing Scott Pilgrim. He's the only official cast member so far, and I can't disagree with his signing.

He's commercially viable, funny, talented, about the right age, and not a bad fit (sorry, McGovern.)

So, with that in mind, I'm going to round out the cast myself. Its up to Wright & Co. to listen to me or not, but I've had this fucking movie stuck in my head for the past hour and this is the only way I see fit to get it out.

NOTE: I'm well aware that the film is supposed to be an adaptation of all six volumes of the book, but in my world, this would be a film series a la Harry Potter, only less twee and more awesome.

Here goes...

RAMONA FLOWERS

Zooey Deschanelwasn't my first choice, only because I really couldn't decide who could pull this part off. Ramona is an enigmatic character. She's got to be desirable, clever, badass, and kind of off-putting. You need to love Ramona in one scene, root for her in a fight in another, and still be suspicious of how good she is for Scott.

Some message board nerd mentioned Zooey and I was a little unsure. I love She & Him Volume 1, and all of her movies are pretty great. My test was basically to re-read key scenes in the GNs with Zooey's voice, and she passed. Also, she'd be cool with a big ass hammer.

KIM PINE

I'd like to think her having previously worked with Michael Cera has nothing to do with me wanting to cast Ellen Page as the drummer in Scott's band, Sex Bob-omb, but I'm not sure I can say that with certainty. Ellen page just has cynical side that is perfect for Kim, the resident sarcasm spewing, surly seductress that used to date Scott and now has dreams of him being killed.

That and I'd like to see her with red hair.

STEPHEN STILLS

James Franco might be a little old for our cast, but I can't think of anyone else who could embody this character. He's laidback, charismatic, cool, and Stephen's relationship with girlfriend Julie Powers just reminds me alot of the one James Franco had on Freaks and Geeks with Kim Kelly.

YOUNG NEIL

Basically, Jorma looks young-ish, innocent and vacant. Fucker'd only have like three lines in the whole movie. He doesn't pass the "looks like a younger scott" test is Cera is cast, but I'm feeling him for this.

KNIVES CHAU

I know I already cast Julia Ling as Aja in my fake Jem movie, but I really love this girl. She had a bit part on an old episode of Aaron Sorkin's short-lived Studio 60 On The Sunset Strip and she was very Knives-esque, which is to say she was young, cute, Asian and kind of scary.

WALLACE WELLS

Joseph Gordon-Levitt, for no other reason than he is awesome in everything he does now and I think he'd make a funny gay roommate. He looks a little like Wallace, and I can see him really playing up the boozy, weirdness Scott has to put up with.

STACEY PILGRIM

Alia Shawkat is the only piece of Michael Cera-bating casting decision-stuff. I just think it'd be cute if she played his sister after sort of doing it for a few years on Arrested Development. She doesn't look too much like Stacey, but she's got the right personality, and really needs the work. She's like the only person from that show not getting good parts. Well, other than Portia de Rossi, but who really gives a flying fuck?

JULIE POWERS

Leighton Meester is already such a cunt on Gossip Girl (or so I'm told) that it wouldn't be a stretch for her to be Stephen Stills' on-again-off-again girlfriend who apparently hates all of her friends.

NATALIE 'ENVY' ADAMS

Nora Zehetner was born to play Envy. If you don't believe me, watch Brick. She could play that arc of lovely and unassuming into epic, amazonian level bitch. Nora's a heartbreaker, and she'd look good in those boots.

LISA MILLER

I'm not sure how good she'd look blonde, but Camilla Belle has that cuteness that Lisa Miller needs. I can totally see her re-emerging into Scott's life, dressing just slutty enough to get noticed, but being very coy and flirty.

HOLLIE & JOSEPH

Kat Denning just has that Hollie feel to me, even though I only know her for being Catherine Keener's daughter in The 40-Year Old Virgin. Jesse Eisenberg gay and with a beard is just too funny and opportunity to pass up (neither pictured, but seriously, Jesse + Beard = Funny).

LYNETTE GUYCOTT

I kind of want to sleep with new singer Ingrid Michaelson, which has no bearing whatsoever on me casting her in those small part. That, and I think she really does have a bionic arm.

MATTHEW PATEL

I so want to be the guy who DOESN'T say Kal Penn for this, but I'm just that lazy. Actually, Aziz Ansari would be alot funnier. Go, Clell Tickle!

LUCAS LEE

The dickheaded pro-skater turned pro-actor is basically a jab at Jason Lee anyway. Why not pay him for it?

TODD INGRAM

Ed Westwick already plays a handsome, over-confident prick on Gossip Girl(yes, I watched it, alright? Back the fuck off.) I'd love to see him pull of the vegan psychic powers and the exploding-into-an-extra-life headbutt.

ROXANNE RICHTER

Emma Stone isn't quite zaftig enough to play the plus-size, Half-Ninja ex-girlfriend Ramona tried to keep secret, but what girl wouldn't accept a role where she gets paid to put on a few? Emma's got the right about of zing and could probably pull of that chip on the shoulder, college-phase lesbian thing.

GIDEON

Keith Murray, frontman of dance-rock-pop-punkers We Are Scientists, is not an actor, but he is funny. I mean, he covered a Nickelback song. Also, I think he's harboring the kind of vitriol it would take to send a bunch of evil ex-boyfriends at an unassuming slacker.

BONUS

Scott Pilgrim & The Totally Awesome Soundtracky Mixtape

1. Scott Pilgrim - Plumtree MP3
2. Chick Habit - April March MP3
3. You're No Rock N Roll Fun - Sleater-KinneyMP3
4. Ex-Girlfriend - No DoubtMP3
5. Nrrrd Grrrl - MC ChrisMP3
6. Bastards Of Young - The ReplacementsMP3
7. Ballad Of A Comeback Kid - New PornographersMP3
8. Girlfriend In A Coma - The SmithsMP3
9. Nobody Move, Nobody Gets Hurt - We Are ScientistsMP3
10. Scott Pilgrim's Sad Restaurant Song - Matthew SeelyMP3

New Big Boi!!! (Raekwon & Andre 3 Stacks in tow)

2008-03-21T16:11:00.004-04:00

I, too, was surprised when Mr. 3000 himself took a break from impersonating a schizophrenic, 21st century Prince and returned to his 5 Star MC roots. Popping up on every fucking remix from "Throw Some D's" to "Walk It Out," Andre Benjamin reclaimed a spot among the best living MCs. He and his Outkast partner Big Boi have solo albums coming out this year. Andre's isn't until the fall, but Big's drops this summer.

Here's a salvo from Big Boi's, featuring the aforementioned Mr. Benjamin and the Wu-Chef himself, Raekwon.

Royal Flush - Big Boi, f. Raekwon & Andre 3000

As they say in Burger Bowling, "I'm fucking lovin' it!"

Porn Star Vs. Indie Songstress: Volume 3 (Girl-On-Girl Tag Team Edition)

2008-03-19T12:19:00.007-04:00

So, I figured I'd spice things up a bit around here. I asked myself, body sat in lounge chair, smoking pipe gripped in mouth, "what, pray tell, is hotter than a porn star and an indie singer?" The answer. TWO porn stars and TWO indie singers. Oh, and they're lesbians.

LESBIAN ACTION! RIGHT HERE! RIGHT NOW! LET'S FUCKING DO THIS!!!

Reppin' Porn Valley...

THE TEAM OF --

FLOWER TUCCI & OLIVIA O'LOVELY

Flower Tucci (appropriately pronounced "tush-y") and Olivia O'Lovely are the cutest couple to ever hit porn. Oh, they didn't hit together, or start out as one, but some of their best video work has been in each other's arms (or thighs.) They're similar in alot of ways. Both are known for their ridonkulously large posteriors. They both have hot tats. They both have interesting ethnic backgrounds (Flower - Italian, Irish, Swedish and Olivia - Italian, Spanish, Chilean and French.)

Flower is an anal queen in the industry. She's also the reigning empress of squirting. I've seen alot of girls squirt in movies, especially if Lexington Steele is involved, but no one gushes quite like Flow. Spit-gagging blowjobs, Proctologist-scaring anal scenes, some of the best interracial work EVER. Flower, a former Seymour Butts tushy-girl, is quite simply, without peer.

Unless we count her longtime girlfriend Olivia O'Lovely. As notorious for her big hips and ass as her huge tits, Olivia is something of a jack (off) of all trades. There's not a genre you couldn't put her in. Plus, if I didn't already love her work enough, she's in a video with Murs (and Shock G, the one who puts the satin in your sheets.)

The coolest thing about Olivia and Flower is that they represent the best of porn. Every guy loves girl-on-girl, but watch enough porn and it becomes kind of stale. The girls barely look into it, or worse, they pull that early ClubJenna-era, artsy bullshit that looks like one of those Playboy videos Michael Bay used to direct, all air-brushed and soft kisses. If I wanted that shit, I'd watch The L-Word.

While alot of girls are "gay-for-pay." Basically, they can pull of the lesbian shit because its all in a day's work. That lingering doubt as to whether the girls are really into it or just playing to the camera kind of goes away when you're watching Flower and Olivia, because they're really involved. It works.

Now...

Their opponents, hailing from America's retarded younger brother, Canada...

TEGAN & SARA

Semi-famous indie recording artists Tegan & Sara are not just lesbians, they're also TWIN SISTERS. So, let's recap. Twins. Check. Lesbians. Check. Esoterically cute. Check.

Infectious and lovable covers of Prince songs?

Double check!

You've got to love Tegan & Sara. I'd only heard a few tracks off of So Jealous and I probably would've skipped The Con altogether if I hadn't gotten their lead single "Back In Your Head" lodged in my head thanks to mtv2. I'm glad I did, too, because the album is phenomenal. Strong, emotive songwriting, clever wordplay, beautifully catchy arrangements. It's no wonder MTV stuck them in a weird wave of cross promotion.

I mean, it was kind of off-putting to hear their aforementioned single after a new episode of Run's House but I think the reverend would approve.

The dichotomy between this week's porn couple and their indie-rock competitors is one th at exists in the minds of all men. The hot, fuckable, fantasy-driven Lipstick Lesbians we see on television and (natch) pornography, and the regular, plaintive, semi-cute Real-Life Lesbians we see, well, out in real life.

I know its a broad generalization (really a generalization about broads) and alot of people will object, but Olivia and Flower are just not the norm when it comes to lesbians. I'm not doubting the intensity of their passion for one another, nor will I stop watching their vids. I'm just saying that lesbians, by and large, don't always look that glamorous.

They don't have to.

Who do women get made up for? Men, because we're into that sort of shit. They don't have to do it for other women. I imagine that if you're in a healthy, gay relationship, the only reason for a lesbian to get that made up would be for herself, which I suppose is why sapphic sex seems so appealing.

Guys like it because its hot and they just want to watch, and I imagine women get into because its a pleasant alternative to all of the bullshit they have to deal with on a regular cock-filled basis. It would take alot to turn a straight man gay, but if a woman's had a bad week, a lousy break-up and one too many Long Island Iced Teas, you can bet going home with a girl's a damn good possibility.

What does this have to do with our fight? These girls represent opposite sides of a similar coin. Olivia and Flower offer us a fabrication based in fact that serves to titillate and arouse us. By putting their sexuality on display, they allow us (horny men) to bask in the glow of their hotness.

Tegan & Sara (who it must be said, are NOT romantically involved. Just because they're gay doesn't mean they're also incestuous) sing songs about heartbreak, falling in and out of love. A side of same-sex relationships that porn just wasn't created to shed light on. Yes, regular lesbians may have sex as hot as Olivia and Flower, but we don't get to see that. Olivia and Flower have probably already broken up, and I imagine the feelings they both have now aren't that different than the ones expressed in Tegan & Sara's music.

Like I said, they are both opposite sides of the same coin. This one's a toss-up.

BONUS --

The White Stripes fantastic cover of Tegan & Sara's "Walking With A Ghost."

Tha Carter III: "Chinese Democracy" or The Next "Blueprint"

2008-03-14T10:09:00.013-04:00

The similarities between self-proclaimed Best Rapper Alive Lil' Wayne and GNR frontman Axl Rose are miniscule and largely specious. Both have been at the top of their game in their respective genres (1988 Axl, present-day Weezy). Both have copious documented dalliances with famous members of the opposite sex. Both have braids.

The kicker is this: They've both been keeping us waiting for far too long.

Sure, Axl's made us wait over a decade for Chinese Democracy, and Weezy only a year or so, but in an accelerated society like ours, the wait for Lil' Wayne's ever-forthcoming release Tha Carter III FEELS like its been forever.

Back in the day, when rock fans were waiting for new Guns N Roses, their main means of getting news updates were from Kurt Loder and magazines like Hit Parade. Albums were typically spaced out by a year or two anyway, so the wait seemed natural.

Today, Lil' Wayne records new tracks pretty much everyday and they all seem to find their ways onto blogs and Limewire. He puts out a new mixtape every other week. To be entirely honest, he doesn't really NEED to put out TCIII.

Axl Rose lost his relevance sometime ago, and doesn't look to be wanting it back anytime soon. Lil' Wayne is as relevant as it gets. No other rapper alive right now commands as much gravitas and respect from so widespread a fanbase. Yeah, backpackers love Black Thought and Talib Kweli. Dudes that just want to party or hear drug talk can fuck with just about any MC, lyricism be damned, but no other rapper gets them ALL hype. No one but Wayne.

Now, I realize I'm not the first motherfucker to point these things out. I'm definitely not going to be the last. There's just one thing nagging me about the delay of his new album. It's not that I need a new Wayne fix. Fuck, there's easily 3 albums worth of his recently leaked material I've still got to get around to.

It's that his career is kind of on the line with this release.

A few months ago, when he had been trounced in sales by Kanye West and desperately seeking some attention, 50 Cent attempted to start a feud with Lil' Wayne. 50, as an artist, has always asserted himself by starting beef. He always won by virtue of the fact that he sold records. It didn't matter how strong Jadakiss' disses were ("...you ain't a predicate, you'll never be the King of New York, you live in Connecticut..."), because, ultimately, 50 sold 8 million units. ("...yeah, in New York, niggas love them vocals, but that's only in New York, dawg. Yo ass is local...")

Here's where he's got something on Wayne. Yes, Weezy makes money off his mixtapes. Yeah, everyone and their mother thinks he's the best alive. Yes, he actually IS better than 50, but Wayne's never released a REAL album. Yeah, he's got the first 2 Carters, the collab he did with Birdman. But he doesn't have a Get Rich or Die Tryin' or a College Dropout.

He's yet to prove that he can pick his own beats, write a song that kills on radio and put out a 5 Mic worthy album. Now, Da Drought 3 is a 5 Mic album. That's pretty much 'duh,' but DD3 uses beats from proven songs. Half the tracks are just really really good freestyles. They hide under the umbrage of "the mixtape circuit," with lower production quality and less critical scrutiny.

50 Gets on my goddamn nerves, but the man knows how to put out a collection of solid material, even if he did forget with Curtis. I think that Wayne can do this as well, but we won't know for sure until TCIII hits.

Yeah, it's possible that this album might be amazing, but there's so much anticipation behind it that if it is anything less than Reasonable Doubt or Ready To Die then people will write it off. The naysayers will be proven right and it'll be a difficult slump to overcome.

Axl waited so long to put out Chinese Democracy that it doesn't matter if he releases something that is Songs In The Key of Life meets Led Zeppelin IV. The hype and wait overcome the actual content. Context is key.

Wayne needs to release a perfect album. One that showcases every aspect of his greatness. We need a great street anthem (like Gossip). We need a poppy radio hit (like new leaked track Lollipop). We need a song that shows off his sensitive side (like Prostitute Flange). We need that relentlessly boastful Weezy (like the Upgrade Freestyle). We need some Dear-Mama-Tupac shit (like World of Fantasy). We need an album that will stand the test of time and act as a marker to the era where a boy who we used to all ridicule in the back of Hot Boyz videos became the illest, most charismatic and messianic MC since Tupac.

We need Tha Carter III and we need it now.

Here's some varied tracks. A couple are streams.

Lil' Wayne - Did It Before (prod. by Kanye West)
Lil' Wayne - I Know The Future
Lil' Wayne - Something You Forgot
Lil' Wayne - Get Too Comfortable (F. Babyface, Prod. by Kanye West)
Lil' Wayne - Burn This City (franz ferdinand sample)

*BONUS:

Here's a track from Chinese Democracy that doesn't suck too hard.

Guns N' Roses - Better

SMASH!!!!

2008-03-13T16:44:00.005-04:00

Yeah, it's arrived, fanboys and girls: Redemption. Louis Leterrier and Ed Norton have come to redeem Marvel at the movie house with their reinterpretation of the Hulk myth with The Incredible Hulk, a movie that pretends Ang Lee was never given $150 million to blow on an art film.

I liked his Hulk to be perfectly honest. I thought it got a little long in the end and the climax a) made little sense and b) was barely comprehensible. Overall the effects were cool, the Hulk looked awesome, the desert scene was fantastic and I thought Eric Bana did a great job. Its just that the bads overran the goods, namely Nick Nolte's weird ass and the fact that the film felt like some Louis Malle might've made about his childhood, just with The Hulk thrown in.

Sam Elliot still owned as Gen. Ross.

Anyhow, there's a new trailer for the new one, which features super-cute Liv Tyler filling in for Jennifer Connelly, Tim Roth as the man who becomes The Abomination, and Ed Norton killin' em as Bruce Banner. He also completely re-wrote Zak "I'm responsible for Elektra and X-Men: The Last Stand" Penn's script and is currently fighting Marvel Films and the director for even more control over the final product.

Hey, it worked on every other movie he's ever made.

I think the movie overall will be better, but I kinda prefer the way the actual Hulk looked in Ang's version. The helicopter thing from The Ultimates does rule, however, and I think I'll grow to like the CGI alterations better when I see the final cut.

Someone Should Re-Make JEM & THE HOLOGRAMS

2008-03-12T16:00:00.008-04:00

Ha. I see you fuckers out there: scoffing, rolling your eyes, absent-mindedly wondering if you've stumbled upon Michael Ian Black in an alley practicing "jokes" for an as-yet-unseen VH1 special on 80s cartoons. Let's get real. I am NOT the only man in America who shares the belief heretofore stated in the title of this post.

I'll prove it.

See? You just got a nostalgia boner. You knew the words. You shimmied. You shaked. Your interest is piqued. You're positively gagging for it, aren't you luv?

The Powers That Be have already seen fit to throw He-Man, Smurfs, and Thundercats onto the ol' Hollywood slate. Transformers made roughly 1.3 Gajillion dollars domestic. Why the fuck hasn't someone, (preferably Michel Gondry) bought the rights?

I don't have an answer, but I DO have a plan. Well, it's not a plan. Its more of a fuzzy, half-logical rant about how cool the inevitable film adaptation could be. Even if Britney Spears got cast as Jem and Brett Ratner was going to direct from a script written by those two douchebags that do all the Epic Movie shit, it would still be at least as entertaining as Josie and The Pussycats.

Before I get into my thing, I'm gonna point out one obvious reason why there shouldn't be a Jem movie.

IT WOULD PROBABLY SUCK.

Yeah. I know. You thought that when you read the headline. Hollywood doesn't have a great track record for turning semi-shitty, cartoon properties into awesome movies, especially if they don't have robots or high toy-sales involved. If someone made a Jem movie it would probably look like High School Musical or The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants.

Yeah, I can already mind-barf from imagining the trailer. It's the type of bullshit that makes enough money to warrant 2 or 3 straight-to-DVD sequels. You know, the movie you don't mind seeing with your girlfriend, so long as she puts out. Zach Galifinakis or David Cross would probably have a shitty but welcome cameo. It'd sell alot of lunchboxes. A gang of tweeners'll have The Stingers' "It's All In The Style" as their MySpace profile songs.

Shit, tangent (plus, I love that song, dammit). Someone might read my WHY NOTs as WHYs and then who am I helping?

Okay, without further ado, here is a list of the people needed to make this movie awesome, broken down into the four areas they'd be working in:

DIRECTION

There is only one man who could direct a movie this absurd, musical, and colorful and have it not suck and his name is MICHEL GONDRY. As a director, he's got a ridiculously whimsical visual sense and his ideas are magical in the way a child's are. DOUG LIMAN could direct this if we re-made the cartoon as a live-action TV series, but if we're going the film route (and I think we are) then Michel is the man. I mean, come on. Its a series about a record exec who uses a magical earring to turn into a pop star. Does that sound more or less absurd than Be Kind, Rewind?

Michel's only weakness is as a writer. His imagination is boundless but story, plot and dialogue are not something he trades heavily in. Which is why there are three people who need to be involved on the page...

SCRIPT

The first is a no-brainer. JOSS WHEDON would never take time off from his awesome career to do this movie, but if you're a fan of Buffy or have ever read his super awesome web-comic Sugarshock (and you better have) then you know no other writer in Hollywood or otherwise can write witty, strong female types in ensembles better than Joss.

This being a big-studio project (in my imagination) with an off-kilter director, the script will go through multiple drafts. Alot of Joss' ideas will be rejected and he'll quit, wanting more control than MTV Films (or Fox Atomic, or whothefuckever) is willing to give. That's when the ball will be handed off to super-mega-hot-awesome Oscar winner DIABLO CODY.

Being super hot shit at the moment, she's fielding any number of ridiculous job offers from junior-studio execs and I wouldn't be surprised if this actually were one of them. Diablo would be responsible for the irony, wit and hipster cred this movie is going to need to survive. All the characters will be speak like cool-bitch catchphrase was their native tongue and I imagine her name alone will get asses in seats. Unfortunately, Diablo isn't as professional as we need for this. We need someone who knows the ins and the outs of screenplay construction. A worker. A craftsman.

We need JOHN AUGUST. After Go. Big Fish, Charlie & The Chocolate Factory, The Corpse Bride and any number of unproduced or uncredited script work, there is no one else in my mind who could write a movie like this. He's talented, smart and can do tongue in cheek guilty pleasure movies. (Just watch Charlie's Angels, on second thought, don't.)

August would meld all the ideas from the previous drafts into something workable and fresh, giving Michel the playbook he needs to win the championship, or, failing a championship of some sort, at least a movie that makes enough money to justify its existence without pandering to twelve year olds.

Now, onto...

THE CAST

If anyone is going to play Jerrica Benton, aka Jem herself, its SCARLETT JOHANNSEN. The lead would have to be, A) smoking hot, B) capable of being pretty but normal looking and C) able to sing. 2 out of 3 ain't half bad. Scarlett Jo could play shy, nice girl Jerrica, voluptuous sexbomb Jem and we could get someone with actual singing talent to dub over her smoky, man voice. Mission accomplished.

I don't have alot of strong reasons why OLIVIA THIRLBY, of Juno fame, should play Kimber, Jerrica's younger sister, but she's hot and I'm putting her in here somewhere, so try and stop me.

The rest of The Holgrams could be filled out with various singer-model types, namely NICOLE WRAY (who already made a Jem-homage in her video for "If I Was Your Girlfriend"), M.I.A. (who would be an interesting addition to any movie, this one or otherwise, even if she's not white) and maybe one of the Pussycat Dolls (don't care which one.) JULIA LING, from Chuck would be awesome as Aja.

While we're on the subject of Chuck, ZACHARY LEVI would be great as Rio, the nice guy who loves Jerrica and Jem.

JUSTIN HARTLEY, Green Arrow on Smallville IS Riot of The Stingers, mainly because he's charismatic, good-looking and in need of a breakout role.

Also, I never noticed it before, but CRAIG SHEFFER is the spitting-image of series villain Eric Raymond.

The rest of the cast would need to be mixed up with familiar faces, cute up-and-comers and the occasional real musician. It also wouldn't hurt to get cameos from some of the original voice-over actors and actresses, if only for the message board nerds.

THE MUSIC

Here's where things get fun. I really feel like there's one man who needs to be involved with the music for this film. His name is TIMBALAND. I don't think he should produce all the movie's cuts, because his sonic identity is far too recognizable to blend in, but he'd be great as a consultant. That'd open us up to getting his wingman DANJAHANDZ involved, not to mention his new little brother JUSTIN TIMBERLAKE, who, I'm sure, could do something for the film from a marketing standpoint. Plus, Timmy's friends with Pharrell and half of the Neptunes' songs sound like tracks from the cartoon anyway.

I'm sure THE DREAM could write some new, infectious tunes, or re-arrange old-ones to involve his trademark "ay-ay-ay" bullshit. LINDA PERRY could help out. As could MAX MARTIN, the man who made Kelly Clarkson seem likable and owned your ears in the late 90s/early 00s with all the shit he did for N*SYNC and The Backstreet Boys.

Remember, as much as we'd make off the movie, imagine how much the soundtrack would sell? If High School Musical could move that many units, imagine this?

Also, for good measure, we should put out a Lil' Wayne sponsored remix-album on the streets, to keep the mixtape mavens happy.

Well, that about covers it. I hope someone (COUGH Bob Weinstein COUGH) was listening.

Porn Star Vs, Indie Songstress: Volume 2

2008-03-07T13:37:00.009-05:00

Yeah, it's that time of the week again. Horny and forlorn. Bored and listening to music. It's definitely time for a new episode of Porn Star Vs Indie Songstress. This week we've got a couple of heavy hitters. One of these girls has been burning up my dvd player and the other my headphones. Both have sent me back to the local supermarket for hand lotion and moist towelettes. (Graphic? Yes, but no less true.)

REPRESENTING THE PORN INDUSTRY...

SANDRA ROMAIN

STATS:

HT: 5' 3"
EYE COLOR: Brown
HAIR COLOR: Dark brown
DISPOSITION: Hot.
INTERESTS: Cock.

I have a friend who has a deep-seated, unexplainable fear/distaste for Eastern European women. He claims that the whole Chernobyl thing has soured him on any women from that area, hot or not. I guess he thinks the radiation left all the frails with webbed vaginas or something. Then again, he unironically listens to The Fray, so, winner.

Sandra Romain actually scares me. I've watched a plethora of her films and videos and the one constant is that she wants to FUCK. I know. All porn stars want to fuck. If they didn't they'd go and work at the post office. (where, I suppose they'd GET fucked.) There's just something different about Ms. Romain, Anal Goddess and Queen of DP. She wants it so bad its scary. Like, Gene Simmons would run off with his overly elongated tongue in hand scary.

There's a scene in one of her films where she actually fucks Star Cock Steven St. Croix to DEATH. His character DIES and they have to hide him in a closet. In a Bang Bus gonzo video she told a random guy who apparently wasn't hitting it right to "...fuck her like a REAL man!" She's quite possibly the most combative female porn star in the industry. (The most combative MALE porn star in the industry would be Nick Manning. He makes my vagina hurt and I don't even have one.)

IN THE OTHER CORNER, REPRESENTING LONDON TOWN...

KATE NASH

STATS:

DOB: 7-5-87
HOMETOWN: Dublin, Ireland
HAIR COLOR: Varies, hottest when Red
EYE COLOR: Is "dreamy" a color?
EXTRANEOUS DILLETANTE MUSICAL COMPARISON: Lily Allen, if you DIDN'T want to punch her in the face.

I'm gonna be honest. The only Kate Nash song I really like is "Foundations" and I heard it on mtv2, so, so much for indie cred. I really only listen to all of the covers she's done and a few live tracks here or there. Aside from enjoying her pleasant if unnecessary addition of delicate piano twinkles to covers of Arctic Monkeys and White Stripes songs, I like her razor sharp tongue. A girl with a little wit goes a long way. She plays her piano and her acoustic and writes pensive, caustic and catchy tunes about being a twentysomething girl and having to put up with twentysomething blokes and its all a bit retready, but who cares because she's cute?

I imagine dating Kate Nash would be kind of a bitch. She's probably overly sensitive and her vagina dentate routine might get a bit old. Yeah, your masculine ineptitude might help out her sophomore slump, but what kind of consolation is that? The make-up sex, however, probably epic.

I don't know what it is about these two dames. Yeah, Sandra Romain is insanely fuckable and would probably help you in breaking a bed or two, not to mention some bones, but I can't imagine waking up and her being there. Kate Nash would be there, but she'd be gritting her teeth and picking up the empty beer bottles you left strewn about the floor. I mean, how else are you supposed to get some sleep around here, huh? Not sober. Not with all of her fingerpicking and bitching.

I guess this says more about me than it does our combatants. Apparently I like to get punched and prodded during sex and when its over, I'd like my cuddling to be enhanced by being berated ad nauseum.

WINNER? TIE.

BONUS ROUND -

A tribute to the man who made "droppin loads" seem like something to do.

No Country For Old Optimus

2008-02-28T17:24:00.006-05:00

So, I was watching Transformers the other day and, okay, well, I wasn't watching it. I was thinking about it. I was thinking about how shitty it is that it lost the VFX Oscar to that bullshit movie with Daniel Craig NOT being Bond and a bunch of polar bears who, for whatever sad reason, don't look much better than the ones from the coca-cola commercials of my youth. As I said, bullshit.

Anyway, I had Autobots on the brainpan and started thinking about subtext, the things not said in a film. Even popcorn films are loaded with subtext. Like how Top Gun is really about homosexuality or how Deja Vu is about Apartheid. Viewed with the right perspective, Michael Bay is no different than Federico Fellini.

The other thing mudding up my thought processes is all of the Iraq-commentary themed films that graced our screens in the latter half of the last year. Rendition, Lions For Lambs, In The Valley Of Elah(elah...elah...ayy...ayy). There was no shortage of topically opinionated uber-dramas geared to get you thinking in your armchairs and to get slender, golden statuettes into actor's mansions.

I'm all for poliltical themes making it into art films, but the thing I noticed about this trend is that an art film just isn't built to carry any semblance of an opinion. Without the structure and dramaturgical stability a more mainstream film brings, a politically preoccupied filmmaker tends to veer off into onanism around the 1:15 mark. A director like Gavin Hood or Paul Haggis knows what he is doing and is plotting every step of the way. A director like Michael Bay lacks that level of self-awareness. He just wants to blow shit up.

This is why I was more intrigued by Transformers than any of the other movies highlighted for their relevance and "controversial" imagery. Let's say you don't like political films. You see a poster with an American flag and Robert fucking Redford, you pretty much know whats in store and ignore it entirely. These films are just preaching to the choir. No one expects global introspection in a movie about big fucking robots, and that's the beauty of it all.

To be honest, Transformers has always been a politcally subversive property. The toy line was rife with Cold War-era implications: robots that weren't what they seemed. What were they hiding behind those Detroit-steel exteriors? Better dead than red, motherfucker. Then you had the cartoon. Just listen to the premise, and try not to picture the cartoon imagery you're oh-so familiar with.

A race of aliens emigrate to Earth, fleeing from what could best be described as religious persecution and an energy crisis over a substance called "Energon," basically crude oil. They hide out in the suburbs, blending in and hiding out while preparing to further their holy war on their hated rivals, who are also surreptitiously roaming the countryside.

Autobot. Decepticon. Sunni? Shi'ite? Red state. Blue state. Little bit country? Little bit rock and roll?

Superheroes like Superman always represented the jewish immigrants of the early 20s and 30s, a sort of hopeful metaphor displaying the best other countries have to offer us as a whole. Todays immigrants are from closer to the border, and people see them more as a threat, but think about this: The Autobots come here from another planet and hide out in garages with your children, and when they have "gang violence" they blow up buildings and kill innocent bystanders by the hundreds. When's the last time that El Salvadorian guy who works at your Kohl's got into a fight with a Jet that turned into a big, metal machine of death and killed your dog?

Don't discount the uber awesome Jesus-Superman-Neo Christ imagery in Optimus' self-sacrifice in the animated feature either. Go back and watch the movie, with new eyes. You'll see what James Carville doesn't want you to.

Overheard At An Open Mic -- Eddie English

2008-02-28T10:59:00.005-05:00

I don't know if you've ever been to an Open Mic Nite at a bar, or "comedy club" but they are hilarious. Most people who enjoy stand-up comedy presume that all people who stand in front of brick walls with microphones are inherently hilarious individuals. Not true.

They all start out as desperate, needy, barely humorous beta-males puking up vitriol and heartbreak with the occasionally clever reference to a popular situational comedy from the mid-to-late 1990s. The ones that aren't like that are worse. Picture the guy that used to make fun of everyone in high school, only now he works at a local Shell and he's the guy who likes to make fun of everyone at that one bar across the street from Wal-Mart.

Regardless, these people can be funny, if not intentionally. They're certainly intriguing, if not entertaining. This is a rant I overheard one night. I can't speak to the validity of the story, or the accuracy of my transcription. Jim Beam does that to a man.

Anyway, here's Eddie English.

*real name withheld*

"...so, I was recently seeing this girl...feel free to highlight my foreboding use of the past tense...was seeing this girl. She was a singer-songwriter, which is like, the female equivalent of some random twentysomething dude being a 'comedian.' You know, the mental blank slate that sees a chalk sign for open mic night as a fucking 'career opportunity.' I, uh, actually met her at an open mic night at this bar in the burbs called the fedora, which is just a bad, bad hook-up spot. My best friend met his wife there, and, yeah, that place is like the relationship hellmouth. The fucking backyard from that Stephen Dorff movie. Anyway, I met her at this bar, and she's not that attractive, which is bad considering my herculean lack of standards, but, she was standing on stage with a guitar and black framed glasses, which is like, fucking Kryptonite to a schlubby twenty year old. She seemed so much smarter and more aware than me, and I just loved that. Double underline 'seemed,' because, hey, three dates and backseat Honda sex do not a true perception make. For weeks I couldn't figure out why this 'seemingly' smart and attractive girl would be dating me, then it, uh, dawned on me. I had finally discovered the key difference between men and women. I've beaten every other comedian-cum-psychoanalyst to the punch, if you will, and I've fucking got the key to modern civilization. Women, for a lack of a better, more intellectual analogy, are like The Predator.

Yes, the one with the dreadlocks from the movie. I know men are always painted as these predatorial hunter-gatherers and I respect the historical basis for that. Because of our physical superiority, it makes sense. But, since women are so clearly emotionally superior, it makes sense that they'd be the ones with the dreadlocks chasing Danny Glover on this one. It connects all the other scattershot dots on the subject. Women don't seek men out for emotional stability and the search for happiness. That's like picking up Stevie Wonder at a rest stop for directions. They do it for one fucking reason. Because they can, and they're BORED. It's as if, at the dawn of time, there was a whole fucking soft-core porn looking planet of them, women, and they got bored and came to Earthland and began plucking us off one by one. I know this comparison might be fucking with some people's heads, but I ask this: Haven't you, kind sir, at one point or another had the urge to cover yourself in mud on the patio to hide from your significant other? "Do it! Do it!" I'm serious.

Women in a relationship can be so brutal, that I think, in running with the predator thing, that after surviving a blatant psychological attack from a woman, a fucking armored Rav4 should pull up to your apartment filled with drunken blondes and they all come and grab their fallen comrade and like, leave you with a golden scrunchie or some shit as a trophy. Like. all your friends were alienated and all your shit's got bleach on it from her fucking your shit up while you were at work and all you get to show for it is some artifact from some other poor fuck's bad relationship.

I know the imagery I'm using is a little extreme, but you didn't date Fiona fucking Apple's more menstrual cousin over here, and let me tell you something, fellow shlubby hipsters: I don't care how good her songs are or how drunk you manage to get her, don't fucking date a singer-songwriter. Ask Alanis Morisette's past beaus. Nothing is worse than an angry, pissed off woman with an acoustic, okay? She'll make an LP about how you never bought flowers, despite your having mentioned being allergic, and win a shitload of Grammys. Guess who's not getting mentioned in the acceptance speech?

My ex, whose name I'm purposefully omitting, thanks to her landing a record contract, was one acidic chick, man. I won't rehash the whole relationship, because it'll feel like watching a bad Friends rerun. You've seen one, you've not only seen them all, but they'll haunt you to your grave. I will, however give away the ending. We were at my apartment, which, for the better part of two and a half months, had been annexed as 'our apartment,' and she was playing me this new song she'd written. Considering that she was passionately objective to the most minute shit, you can imagine the number of hastily scribbled torch songs I'd been subjected to. I think she once sang me a song about cashiers at Safeway not double bagging Pepsi 2-liters. Fucking anal. So, this song, which was ominously titled, 'ediquette.' Not ominous because I'm frightened of Dickensian manners, no. Ominous because my best friend's name is Ed and on her napkin/lyrics sheet, it was with his first name the word was spelled.

She went on to belt, in varying keys, how grating it was to try to reach me at Ed's house only to have him be curt with her upon answering. One verse actually rhymed, unironically might I add, the word 'rude' with 'dude.' Now, Ed's not a dick. He's a raging pothead. He smokes more kind bud than Snoop Dogg in Willie Nelson's trailer. If he seems rude on the phone its because he's FUCKING PARANOID. When she finished the song, I was quiet for a moment.

I suppose if I was smart enough to offer a concerned squint, an apology and a musical comment to my then-girlfriend, she'd be my now-girlfriend. Instead i just laughed in her face, which is how I came home to a bathtub full of whiter than white vintage led zeppelin t-shirts. My stoner friend answers the phone wrong and my wardrobe turns into a fucking clorox commercial. To add insult to injury, she decided to break-up with me at an open mic night on my birthday. She wrote a new tune, titled "dick." I won't elaborate on the song, needless to say it wasn't congratulatory.

But, my ex, clever hunter though she may have been, had forgotten one thing. On the call sheet, i was up three slots after her. Never go on stage first when war is at hand. Sadly, I got food poisoning from some bad pastrami and had to cede my stage time to some Jewish kid who looked like napoleon dynamite's illegitimate son, and I never saw that cunt again.

Not until she was on mtv2.

So, since I can't really get on television, my revenge will have to fill the space of a 100 capacity club, and for my trophy I'll have to take awkward silences from the crowd, and if I'm really lucky, a hummer in the back alley from a drunk blonde with a Lenny Bruce fetish."

Multi-racial Baby Making Movement -- Apply Within

2008-02-28T10:48:00.003-05:00

Anyone ever walk down the baby aisle at the supermarket, or better yet, watched those pediphile oriented diaper commercials on network television in the afternoons? I've done both and it amazes me that there is such a wealth of individuals willing to sexually exploit their disgustingly photogenic progeny for some quick cash.

Look at those fucking kids. Do you honestly think their parents give a shit how weird that is, so long as a check is involved?

It's interesting to me, because every other media thing involving kids goes the model un route, where there's an asian kid, a black kid, a white kid, a spanish kid, a freedom hating terrorist kid, et fucking cetera. Baby products, all the kids they use are these strange, genetically mutated multiracial babies. They look like what kids look like in bad cyber punk novellas, where the writer imagines a healthy society built on interracial breeding that not only strengthens the gene pool, but irradicates racial prejudice, replacing it with plain old regular prejudice.

Now, I'm biracial, and my mom wasn't exactly growing money in my youth, and I was one sexy fucking baby, but she never threw my aesthetically pleasing ass in front of a camera with some pampers to pay the rent. That's because she was a decent human being. I, on the other hand, fucking love money. Far more than I love babies. So I've devised a plan.

Every girl I meet who has a different racial background than myself, I will offer this proposition. Chicks love babies. Its their little thing. They love babies nearly as much as we love pussy. My plan is to convince a bevy of diverse women to breed with me, then we can go half on some hot biracial babies, and sell them to pampers, or huggies, or whatever baby product brand is willing to give the most cash. In addition to no longer having to sprain my wrist giving handjobs behind Home Depot to pay the bills, I will no longer have to pilfer portions of that same hard earned cash to pay prostitutes for what passes for love in this cold, modern world. I'm not sure just how many women will go for it, but if Girls Gone Wild is still at its twelve hundredth installment, then it wouldn't surprise me if the race mixing baby making movement becomes a multicultural phenomenon.

Don't even worry about STD's. My studies have shown that the superhuman offspring of my ingenius plan may produce antigens in their bloodstreams powerful enough to cure any disease, even that one Rob Thomas had in that shitty Matchbox 20 song.

"You, miss, what are you? Filipino? Ecuadorian? Cool. Cool. Hey, you, uh, you wanna make a baby? No, no rush. I don't want to put you on the spot like that. It's a hard decision. So, take this pamphlet, and if you're interested, call me later. Uh, if an asian woman answers, hang up, because thats a four and not a nine. I know, my handwriting is shitty. But my studies have also shown that bad handwriting isn't genetic so our little Tiger Woods should be alright."

A Day Late - Films Oscar Forgot...Or Ignored More Than Logic Would Dictate

2008-02-26T10:32:00.006-05:00

I fucking hate the Oscars. It's 3 1/2 hours of AFI-style clip shows and Jon Stewart making occasionally humorous remarks, with alot of crying (from nominees, not Jon Stewart...usually.) Oh, I watch them every year without fail, but they still irk me. The criteria for what makes an "Oscar" movie is so laughably predictable than any reasonably knowledgeable film goer can figure out the nominations in the summer just from looking at the goddamn trailers.

I get so annoyed at knowing who is going to win that I cheer for an upset or a surprise even if its for a movie I didn't watch. (Thank you, French Chick From La Vie En Rose!) This year's winners were actually pretty good to great flicks, so I don't really have too many qualms, but there were a whole host of Oscar-bait movies I've only recently had the chance to watch and I felt that some of them were sadly cast aside. Here, in Top 5 style:

1. IN THE VALLEY OF ELAH (elah...elah...ayy...ayy..)

Tommy Lee Jones got his deserved Best Actor nod, but what about director Paul Haggis' script? The film is far from flawless, and its gets a little inconsistent about midway, a problem with alot of the better movies out this year, but Haggis should get some cred for turning a fucking magazine article into a dramatically effective amalgam of A Few Good Men and Chinatown.

2. 3:10 TO YUMA

Action movies are always relegated to the editing categories, but Christian Bale and Russell Crowe were both amazing in this pitch-perfect western. Didn't super-love the end, but overall, a very enjoyable, well-crafted piece. At least give Bale something. A handjob if not a Best Actor nod. He was this year's Matt Damon, delivering awesome performances in this and Rescue Dawn and getting zilch, like Damon last year with The Departed and The Good Shepard.

3. THE KINGDOM

Another action movie that didn't even get any Best Editing love. The script is tight, the acting is superb (although a little too "popcorn" for the Oscar crowd) and the camera work is stunning. Peter Berg, as a director, is really coming into his own. Between this and his work on Friday Night Lights (the show and the movie) he's definitely one to watch. The last thirty minutes or so of this film were every bit the thrill ride The Bourne Ultimatum turned out to be, but Oscar is only allowed to slum with one semi-political action thriller per year, and Paul Greengrass looks more directorly.

4. RENDITION

Not a perfect movie, by any means, but the acting was fantastic. Not the kind that stands out and gets applause, but that cohesive, quiet ensemble feel that more movies need. I guess my qualm here would be with the SAG Awards, but I also felt like Dion Beebe should've gotten a Cinematography nod.

5. THE ASSASSINATION OF JESSE JAMES BY THE COWARD ROBERT FORD

Since they don't have a category for Best Uselessly Long Title, and the Best Actor category was too crowded for my man Brad Pitt, who delivered a top 5 performance in his career. I'm glad Casey Affleck was recognized. The kid is eerily good in the movie. The rest of the cast stands out as well, particularly Sam Rockwell. Roger Deakins got his deserved double Cinematography nod for this and No Country For Old Men but I still felt this movie was overlooked. I guess I feel like Andrew Dominik should've gotten Jason Reitman's spot in Best Director. I loved Juno but we all know* Reitman's nod was a "pat on the head" nomination, to encourage future work. He did a damn good job and definitely deserved it, but watching the oddly fabulist lyricism of Dominik's post-modern, western ballad, its hard not to want to give the Aussie his own pat on the head.

Also, what the fuck? Nick Cave and Warren Ellis get screwed for the score? It's like all the composers in the Academy got together and were like "Fuck those rockers, trying to horn in on our territory." I just know John Williams had something to do with them and Jonny Greenwood getting the shaft. Overpraised prick. While we're on the subject of music...

BONUS ROUND

ONCE

I loved this movie, and I'm glad it won Best Original Song. If one of those insanely vapid songs from Enchanted had won, I'd've turned the telecast off right then and there. This movie was the real little indie that could of the year, so for it to have one song up against three bullshit tracks from that wouldn't make the cut on a straight-to-DVD animated Disney sequel was kind of pathetic, but what a live performance.

8 More Movies To See In '08

2008-02-23T13:08:00.007-05:00

After recieving copious complaints from friends about movies I "forgot" to mention, I've decided to do a sequel. Like I Love The 80s: Part Deux, only, you know, not. Same deal as last time, trying to cast a wide net.

8. IRON MAN

This is the main reason for this post. I don't know why, but I forgot about what has the potential to be single, coolest, comic book to movie adaptation ever. Actor turned director Jon Favreau is extremely savvy and looks to have a handle on things. Also. Bobby Downey Jr., who, after Kiss Kiss, Bang Bang can do no wrong in my eyes. The cast is superb, the suit looks awesome (thanks Stan Winston) and there's a hot rumor Sam Jackson has a cameo as S.H.I.E.L.D. superspy Nick Fury.

What more could you want? A peak you say? Look no further.

7. SMART PEOPLE

I'm not familiar with the director, or the screenwriter, and to be entirely honest, the story is fairly run-of-the-mill indietastic pseudo-intellectual family dramady, but ELLEN PAGE IS IN IT. You know, Ellen Page...cut off a guy's dick in Hard Candy (sorta), wasted months of her life on X-Men: The Last Stand, totally eye-fucked me throughout Juno (dude, she wants me.) Plus, Dennis Quaid...with a BEARD. Thomas Haden Church keeps Wings alive with the plucky comic relief. It could be this year's little-indie-that-could or it could be a low-budget version of The Family Stone. I'm gonna give it a shot, and so should you.

6. X-FILES 2

Yeah, I know nothing about the plot or anything else about it really, but I'm not gonna be able to say no. David Duchovny and Gillian Anderson back together is worth the price of admission.

A bunch of screaming nerds at Wondercon can't be wrong. Plus, if it sucks, it'll be really fun to make fun of.

5. THE CHANGELING

The plot doesn't zhing me at all. A woman's son goes missing or something and comes back but they think he's an alien. It sounds like some shit the Sci-Fi Channel would hesitate to air. However, it's written by Babylon 5 creator J. Michael Strazcynski and directed by CLINT EASTWOOD, so yeah, I don't care if the main cast is actually puppets and the sets are miniatures, I'm gonna see it. Clint's on a streak and I don't foresee this ending it. If he saw something in a movie that sounds this lame, it's gotta be interesting. And who needs puppets and miniatures when you've got Angelina Jolie's Africa-saving lips?

4. SPEED RACER

Another movie that has a fairly high suck probability, The Wachowskis adaptation of the beloved anime just looks like alot of fun. The action looks intriguing, even if the whole film's overall style looks like Spy Kids on crack. John Goodman as Pops Racer. Matthew "You Know What's Interesting About Me? Nothing." Fox is Racer X. At least the car chases will be cool.

3. SYNECDOCHE, NEW YORK

Pint-sized, indescribably brilliant screenwriter Charlie Kaufman, the man that took us inside John Malkovich's head, gave himself a fake twin brother, and then took us inside Jim Carrey's head, is making his directorial debut in this film about a theatre director, Philip Seymour Hoffman, who deals with the women in his life while trying to recreate New York City inside a warehouse for his new play. Sounds adequately Kaufman-esque to me. Here's hoping he's got some camera skillz.

2. MY BLUEBERRY NIGHTS

This movie has one major thing going for it that I love and one major thing going for it that I hate. I LOVE writer-director Wong-Kar Wai. Even when he's not entirely on the ball (2046) he's still an immensely talented storyteller who directs the way some men paint. Emotionally evocative and sumptuous images set to poetic words and haunting music. He's an auteur if ever there was one. This is his first English language movie and it stars Norah Jones.

Yes, that Norah Jones.

Why? Wong-Kar Why?????

It got 'eh' reviews at festivals, and Jude Law is in it, which never helped anyone, but so is Natalie Portman, playing the kind of part I'm sure Faye Wong would've got had this film been made in China. The trailer's got me on the fence, but it looks pretty enough to warrant my dough.

1. QUANTUM OF SOLACE

After Casino Royale I will follow Daniel Craig and this reinvigorated Bond franchise into the bowels of hell. I don't care that Marc Forster is directing it and the closest he's come to action is Billy Bob Thornton tearing Halle Berry's ass up in Monster's Ball. I don't care that this is the first Bond film that doesn't follow an original Ian Fleming story. I also don't care that the title sounds like an Outer Limits teleplay Harlan Ellison would've written fucked up on absinthe trying to break a contract. It's Bond. James Bond. Recognize.

Porn Star Vs. Indie Songstress: Volume 1

2008-02-23T12:54:00.003-05:00

I love porn. That's a ridiculous understatement. I'm a guy. We ALL love porn. Its just so...prevalent. For me, porn is right up behind a stack of pancakes after a night of drunken debauchery and right above that moment in 300 when that one guy is all "Then we will fight in the shade."

So, yeah, porn.

The other thing I love is indie music. Right behind nostalgic early 90s grunge tunes but right above synthy 80s new wave. Specifically I love indie girls. Like, all of them. Even weird looking ones like Regina Spektor, because she sounds so, so, cute. She's like a carebear with a recording contract. Quasi-plump, offbeat non-traditionally alluring girls with pianos or guitars haunt my dreams.

Hence the title. Every week or so I'm gonna match up a favorite porn star of mine with an indie singer I'm nerdcrushing on. The victor is irrelevant. In this Thunderdome, everybody wins.

COMBATANT NUMERO UNO. representing the adult film industry...

JULIA BOND

STATS: (all stats approx and probably stolen from wikipedia)

DOB: 2-26-87
HT: 5'0"
WT: 100lbs
MEASUREMENTS: 36C-27-41
ORIENTATION: Bisexual
ASS: for days

You may have seen her on an old episode of The Jerry Springer Show. You may recognize her from the last time you watched Frat House Fuck Fest. You may have been masturbating to video files of her on redtube for months and never known her name. Regardless, Julia Bond is a fuck flick starlet of the highest order. She's fairly new to the industry and not as name-checked, but if you've ever seen her in Big Wet Butts she's pretty hard to forget.

Every porn star is essentially interchangeable. They're all sexed up sluts doing things on camera for money that alot of girls won't admit to doing in real life. What sets them all apart (aside from bust, hair color and ethnicity) is their personality. Remember what I said about Regina Spektor being a care bear? Well, Julia Bond is a care bear who occasionally gets DP'd by two black guys. So, I guess that makes her a Stuffed Bear.

COMBATANT NUMERO DOS, representing the blogosphere...

LYKKE LI

STATS:

totally unknown. Pssst. She's Swedish.

I've been head-over-heels in love with Swedish Indie-pop girl Lykke Li for about two or three months now. At first, all I knew about her was that Bjorn Yttling (of Peter, Bjorn & John, the guys who made you whistle through all of 2007 on commercials and Grey's Anatomy) was her producer and that her lead single, "Little Bit" was infectious in ways I was wholly unprepared for. On rough estimate, the first weekend I discovered the track I listened to it some 2,814 times.

I don't know much about her now, either. I know I can't pronounce her name. I know she doesn't mind, which is nice, because I HATE people with difficult to pronounce names who demand you waste extra effort playing guess-the-phonetics just so they can feel placated. I also know that within about six months she's gonna be super-hot shit and probably a nominee for Best New Artist at the Grammys next year.

I don't quite know what it is about her I like so much. Julia Bond's easy. She's cute , buxom and has a fat ass. That, and I've seen her naked on several occasions. Lykke's different. I've seen her naked, too, although I've never seen her disrobe. Her honey-throated renditions of poppy-soul tunes scratch through my typically jaded exoskeleton and mollify the aches in my soul I had heretofore never deemed worthy of a second thought. To watch her doe-eyed gaze and her rhythmless swivel and want to reach out and play with her never-quite-kempt-in-that-bun hair is as ethereal and gentle as watching Julia Bond deep throat an 11inch cock is visceral and dirty.

I've seen Julia Bond's cooch, but I've seen Lykke Li's heart.

WINNER: Lykke Li. Sort of.

Michael Bay Is A Rock Star

2008-02-21T10:29:00.005-05:00

If you're a film nerd, then you know what its like to covet the seemingly awesome lives of your favorite filmmakers. No self respecting cinemaphile lies awake at night, watching a Turner Classic Movies rerun of Goodfellas dreaming of being Robert Deniro. That motherfucker is crazy. No one wants to be badgered on the street by random people quoting dialogue from a movie you barely enjoyed working on. Real die-hards want to be Martin Scorsese, but the real die hards are lying to themselves.

The rationale behind the director fantasy is that it seems like a fun life. Paparazzi don't follow directors around. When you get recognized, it's because of your talent and skill, not your weirdly cultivated persona. Even an uber-famous director can probably eat more peacefully in a restaurant than Ryan Reynolds. Directors even seem to get more hot actress tail than actors, but that may just be some residual social ephemera from the 70s film scene. All in all, it seems like a sweeter set-up. There's just one problem with that:

Directors aren't rock stars.

I know. We're not even talking about music, but we are. You see, all fame fantasies are based in the rock star paradigm. Every man alive wants to be a rock star. I don't mean like, Alternative Press, Myspace famous rock star, or critically-acclaimed, Pitchfork-endorsed indie rock star. Every man wants to be David Lee Roth. Not now, obviously. That motherfucker is crazy, too. But in the late 70s/mid 80s.

Intellectual adoration aside, Woody Allen is not a rock star. I'd love to be able to meet someone and casually mention how difficult it was to write Annie Hall or innocuously mention what Diane Keaton tastes like (well, in the 70s anyway.)

However, I wouldn't want to actually be Woody Allen. I love Stardust Memories as much as the next guy but, he plays the fucking clarinet. THAT'S NOT ROCK AND ROLL.

Luckily enough for the modern film nerd, there is one director they can fantasize about being who IS a rock star, and luckily, is NOT Brett Ratner. That man is Michael Bay.

See?

That motherfucker leads a fun life. Don't give me any of that bullshit about how that video is just a commercial for a media service. That's about as much a documentary as any D.A. Pennebaker film ever was. You just KNOW that's how he rolls in real life. Blowing shit up. Exotic animals. Sure, he looks like he used to play bass in Winger and sounds like Spike Jonze's older brother, but he directed Transformers!

If I was gonna live my life a famous director, I'd want to be that level of badass. I don't want people asking me about all the coke I snorted in the early 80s (cough Marty cough) or why I hate the nazis so much (Hello, Spielberg) or why the latter half of my career sucked so hard (Sorry, Orson Welles' ghost. So sorry.)

No, I want to be Michael Bay. This is the same guy who, frustrated with the never-ending writer's strike, sat down in his expensive Eames chair and fucking wrote Transformers 2 his DAMN SELF. You gotta love it.

The Amazing Spider-Man Vs. Emo

2008-02-20T16:08:00.004-05:00

FADE IN:

Then.

In the months prior to last summer’s release of Spider-Man 3, the geek inside of me found himself with an addiction to anti-anxiety pills, so rife was he with anticipation for the third (and some thought final) installment in director Sam Raimi’s film adaption of Stan Lee and Steve Ditko’s iconic Marvel Comic. I recall seeing a teaser trailer for the film before Superman Returns (a comic book adaptation I’d much rather not discuss) and for pretty much every other twenty-something beta-male in the audience making an uncommon appearance in the light of day (or din of a movie theater), the experience has no real equal. I imagine that if a Mega-Church full of devout Christians got some sort of promotional video with clips and snippets of a heroic looking Jesus Christ tussling with hordes of the damned, brandishing a flaming sword, thirty seconds of righteousness followed by text telling them all to “Look out for The Rapture on 5-4-09”, perhaps we’d be in the ball park of “analagous.”

For nerds and geeks, the premiere of a hotly anticipated superhero movie trailer before the premiere of a hotly anticipated superhero movie is like manna. It’s like getting to eat a cookie before getting to eat a whole cake. It offers a look one year into your otherwise lackluster existence, giving you ample time to plan your days accordingly. The teaser itself promised to be triply awesome in the same way Spider-Man 2 promised to be doubly more awesome than Spider-Man. This was a preview that said “Hey, guess where your ten dollars are gonna be in a year?” This was a trailer that made me not think about how disappointed I was in Superman Returns. This is why Sam Raimi is a god.

Raimi, with the help of a bevy of talented screenwriters (most notably David Koepp and Alvin Sargent), had succeeded in making one of comicdom’s most enduring and lovable characters into two films that were entertaining, profitable and (horror of horrors) not pieces of shit comic geek apologists like me would have to defend to their intellectually elitist friends. Put simply, everyone (old, young, straight, gay, boy, girl) enjoyed the Spider-Man movies, except formerly pony-tailed painter Alex Ross, but he’s a gump-ass chooch, so fuck him. Raimi had agreed to make Venom, a character born of the darkest period in comic book history (the 90s), the chief antagonist. This was remarkable because a) Fans fucking LOVE Venom and b) Sam Raimi (and myself) fucking HATES Venom. The man put his own artistic integrity aside to repay the fans who, in a weird way, are responsible for the nice house he no doubt shares Mimosas with Bruce Campbell in. He had already conquered the superhero origin story. He had slaughtered the sophomore slump, Wrath Of Khan/Superman II paradigm that a lot of genre directors were incapable of handling. Now, he was going to take a pretty mediocre character (one that he actively despised) and make cinema gold.

CUT TO:

Now.

If I were to re-read every review of Spider-Man 3 searching for the phrase “cinema gold” I’d come up emptier than an Act II of Behind The Music-era MC Hammer’s bank account. Sure, people liked it. It made over 300 million fucking dollars. It was definitely cool. I liked it. It just didn’t zhing the way I thought it would. This can be attributed to any number of facts: the film’s length, Tobey Maguire’s increasingly unemotive acting, the uninspired third act. There is, however, one reason I’ve heard cited more than pretty much any other. Within three days of seeing the film, no less than eleven people who I’d discussed the film with said “The action was cool, but I don’t know why they made Spidey so emo.”

I wholeheartedly disagree with this notion. Oh, I agree that giving Tobey Maguire bangs and a dancing sequence was an ill-advised attempt at visual metaphor, and I agree that this film was a little more down-note than its predecessors at times (when it wasn’t being totally laughable) but “emo?” Sam Raimi didn’t make Spider-Man emo. Stan Lee did that forty years ago when he created the character. Forty years before assholishly arrogant gen-Yers even coined the often derrogatory term, Stan The Man invented the world’s first emo superhero, and God bless him.

When Spider-Man 2 came out, a lot of people were surprised to see that Dashboard Confessional had a song on the soundtrack. “An emo band on a superhero movie soundtrack?” I guess they missed that Nickelback guy who sounds like Tony The Tiger and the fat guy from Saliva I last saw selling Terence Howard pot in Hustle and Flow. In point of fact, I couldn’t think of a band more perfect for writing songs for ol’ Webhead to sling to (with the possible exception of Weezer.) Peter Parker is pretty fucking emo.

Now, when I say “emo” I’m not making some broad criticism of a musical genre I personally couldn’t give two fucks less about. I’m referring to “emo” as some sort of post modern character trait. A lot of people I meet use the term to describe someone who is needlessly dramatic, socially introvertive or just especially whiny. It’s kinda like a few years ago when people used the word “goth” instead of “sociopathic” or “suicidal.” I suppose if enough of one personality type adopts a certain social persona, then anyone else adopting said persona better get used to being compared to that particular personality type.

I don’t share the same disdain for emo kids that most people do, (including, weirdly enough, other emo kids) but if we’re going to stick with the term, then let’s not pretend that this emo-transformation is recent. It’s been in Spidey’s blood forever. A nerdy, beta-male gets bitten by a radioactive spider and gets superpowers. Naturally, he attempts to use said powers to be cool and get laid (why he chose the profession of wrestling, I’ll never know) and in doing so, forgets the teachings of his wise Uncle, a caregiver he loses as a roundabout result of his own douchbagery. Rather than continuing to use his powers for personal gain (and, oh, I don’t know, help his apparently helpless aunt pay a bill or two), Peter decides that he must use his great power to be greatly responsible, stopping the city from being attacked by a myriad of animal and reptile themed psychopaths with axes to grind.

There isn’t really anything inherently emo about being a vigilante. In fact I always assumed that fighting crime went better with heavy metal music. I personally don’t picture The Punisher ventillating mafia dons with bullets to Armor For Sleep. What makes Peter so emo is the life he leads. His primary concerns aren’t really fighting crime. It’s paying his rent, getting a girl to not dump him, taking care of his aunt, sitting alone on rooftops and ruminating on why life continues to suck. His pasttimes are that of pretty much every sad sack twentysomething guy with a shit job, a broken relationship and a knack for being melodramatic. Peter Parker is basically Zach Braff with spider powers.

Some might argue that Superman is more emo than Spider-Man, but that’s pretty much bullshit. Superman is like a starting quarterback in high school who feels alienated by his good looks and physical prowess. That guy just needs some paxil. Batman’s pretty emo. He’s still wrestling with the death of his parents he witnessed at age eight. The only difference is he’s fucking rich. He deals with his issues by beating the shit out of guys like The Penguin and when he gets bored of that, he fucks supermodels and buys companies. He’s like if Patrick Bateman, Henry Rollins and John F. Kenndy Jr. had baby, and any thing related to Henry Rollins cannot also be considered emo. That’d just be fucked up. I suppose Wolverine is kinda emo. The whole “I’m the best there is at what I do, but I don’t remember who I am” thing is kinda bothersome, but in his defense, he’s fucking WOLVERINE. The only comic book character who gives Peter a run for his money in the emo department is Spawn. That dude has been bitching up a storm since the early nineties, and, further proof that God isn’t real, or that he at least likes Todd McFarlane too much, people continue to read the book anyway. McFarlane, however, used to draw Spider-Man before he created Spawn, so…winner.

Peter Parker is the second most important emo character in literary history (the first being Prince Hamlet, a guy who takes up four hours of the audience’s lives pondering the end of his own before laying waste to that of his enemies.) The only reason this trait seemed so annoying in Spider-Man 3 is because Tobey Maguire forgot the funny. The one thing that stops Spidey from becoming a cloying self-obsessive who bitches too much is his sense of humor. (This is also why Scrubs Zach Braff is always gonna be cooler than Garden State Zach Braff, no matter how many times Natalie Portman makes him listen to “New Slang”) Yeah, he whines a lot when he’s alone, but if The Juggernaut tries to stomp his ass, he quips him into submission. Everyone knows a guy who is constantly in turmoil over some pseudo-emotional bullshit, but he’s tolerable because in public, he makes people laugh and feel comfortable. That’s Peter Parker. Mary Jane dumps him. Fourteen pages of him swinging through the city with thought balloons full of what could easily be lyrics to a Fall Out Boy song. The Green Goblin back in town? Five pages of two guys in funny costumes trading one-liners and laughing the very real prospect of death in the face. If Tobey had pulled that off, I might’ve forgiven his four-minute homage to Bob Fosse.

Pineapple Express - Early Draft

2008-02-20T15:54:00.011-05:00

One fantastic aspect of being dangerously bored is that sometimes you find shit like this. The fine folks at Simply Scripts have posted an early draft of The Pineapple Express written by Seth Rogen & Evan Goldberg.

The thing about Judd Apatow produced comedies is that much of the best humor comes from on-set rewrites and ad-libs. If you've ever read early drafts of Knocked-Up or The 40-Year Old Virgin then you know that alot of the most quotable lines and memorable set-pieces weren't on the page.

That being said, this script is fucking hilarious. I lost the laugh-out-loud count around page 40 and having seen the redband trailer and the preview on the Superbad DVD, I can say this movie is going to be fantastic.

Seth Rogen's comedic sense differs from Judd's in that Apatow is more interested in characters than situations. He likes the humor to come from the people and their relationships, which is why his films' best scenes are guys sitting around. Seth is very similar, except he goes for a wider scope, like the fantasy sequences in Superbad and the stuff with the cops.

This is very apparent in even this early draft, as the film is basically a funnier, post-modern version of the plot of every Shane Black-penned 90s movie ever: Two guys, comedically matched, end up in a plot with guns, twists and car chases. Oh, and pot. Lots of pot.

If you feel the film won't be spoiled by reading the script, you can find it here
Otherwise, I hope you can wait until August.

8 Movies To See In '08

2008-02-20T12:54:00.008-05:00

Yeah, it's almost fucking March, but who cares? There are always an assload of awesome flicks to see, even in slow movie years. The trick is that they're all spaced out in their own special corners of the multiplex calendar. Blockbusters in the summer, Oscar bait in the fall, indie gems on dvd because you can never find them whenever they are in theaters, and random bullshit you shouldn't waste cash on during the in-between seasons.

Here is a mixed bag of cinema goodness coming out this year, with trace amounts of pretension, vitriol, and geek jizz.

8. TAKEN

Remember Commando, with Arnold Schwarzenegger? Of course you do. "Remember when I said I'd kill you last? I lied." Well, this is like that, only instead of Arnie, we've got wise mentor playing, jew-freeing extraordinaire Liam Neeson and instead of a barely there plot by Jeph Loeb and Steven De Souza, we've got a script by Luc fucking Besson, best known for being french, showing the world Natalie Portman (b-t-dub, thanks Luc) and for churning out cool action movies the way White Castle makes burgers.

Liam Neeson plays a former black ops guy (my favorite stock character occupation, ever) whose daughter (Maggie Grace from Lost) is kidnapped. Mr. Neeson chases down random guys with guns and deals death in a singular minded fashion reminiscent of a David Mamet movie. In short, go fucking see it.

7. REDBELT

Speaking of David Mamet, he's back. Now, if Mamet had made a movie about talking animals trying to save a zoo for Dreamworks, I'd still see it, so the fact that he wrote and directed this new movie is nearly negligible. Its about mixed-martial arts, which I could give a fuck less about, except the movie stars Chiwetel Ejiofor. You may remember him as the awesome Operative in Joss Whedon's Serenity or his fantastic turn in Dirty Pretty Things but more likely you know him as that cool black guy who seems to be following Don Cheadle and Denzel Washington around for the past two years.

He plays a MMA instructor who--you know, what? Just watch the trailer.

Mamet's movies have more twists than a pretzel, and if for whatever reason the presence of Tim Allen makes you uneasy, then check out The Spanish Prisoner where Mamet gives Steve Cheaper By The Dozen Martin room to act. Believe it.

6. SHUTTER ISLAND

I like Dennis Lehane's books, and I like Martin Scorsese's films. Well, more accurately, I read one Lehane book (Mystic River) and own a copy of another (this one in question) and I've seen nearly all of Marty's films multiple times. He's like a surrogate father to me, except we've never met, and if we did, he'd probably have me thrown out of the Tribeca Film Festival.

I'm not super in love with the Scorsese-DiCaprio tandem, but The Departed was fantastic and I'm betting that even if this sucks, it'll be at least watchable. Plus, Michelle Williams and Mark Ruffalo are in it.

5. BURN AFTER READING

This is a no-brainer. Brad Pitt, George Clooney, The Coens. I'm there. You're there. Oscar is waiting.

4. HELLBOY II: THE GOLDEN ARMY

Guillermo Del Toro is the godfather of my unborn babies, so of course I'm gonna see the sequel that plans to melt my eyes with awesome visuals and blow my mind with theater shaking action and fun one-liners from Ron Perlman's pitch-perfect Hellboy. Plus, Luke Goss, the villain of Blade II and a guy who looks kinda like Tom Cruise in the right light, will be the newly created for the film villain.

Plus, Johann!!! Now if only they can get Lobster Johnson and Roger The Homunculus in on this...

3. PINEAPPLE EXPRESS

If you saw Superbad or any other comedy Judd Apatow and Seth Rogen had their hands in, then you don't need me to tell you about this movie. You don't need to know its a stoner-buddy comedy about a man and his dealer who witness a murder and are on the run from unsavory criminals and the munchies. You don't need to watch the totally awesome redband trailer with the uber-hip inclusion of my favorite M.I.A. song. You don't need to put ten dollars in your overpriced piggy bank for this August to enjoy what will basically be the comedy of the year. If you haven't, then you can go suck a bag of dicks.

2. INDIANA JONES AND THE KINGDOM OF THE CRYSTAL SKULL

I'll admit. I was skeptical. It's been ages. Harrison Ford is old. Shia Lebeuf is moderately cool. The project has been written and re-written by everyone from M. Night Shyamalan to Frank Darabont and Sean Connery apparently isn't coming back. Of course, that was all before I saw the trailer.

Yeah, I'm there. They could call it Indiana Jones and The Colostomy Bag and they'll still get my money. Curse you, Spielberg.

1. THE DARK KNIGHT

Heath Ledger's last performance. Aaron Eckhart as Two-Face. The best young director in the industry with a $200 million budget. This is the way movies are supposed to be.

'Nuff said.