3 Fall Shows I Want To See That Fox Will No Doubt Cancel Because They Don't Want Me To Be Happy (and One That Looks Like SHIT)

So, I'm a TV nut. That's putting it mildly. I think I actually had an orgasm watching Lost a few weeks ago. Nearly caught myself in the eye. ANYWAY, this is the time of the year when the networks have their up fronts and start pimping their new shows to sponsors and advertisers.

They parade out new picked-up pilots and try to convince one another that they have the next big hit. This is a duller looking year than usual, as the WGA strike threw pilot season's schedule off, leaving us with some serious substandard fare and more reality programming than you can shake a stick at.

Here are my 3 picks, all from FOX weirdly enough. The rest of the networks don't even seem like they tried. Its all woefully irrelevant, as Fox never leaves a show I like on the air, unless its House or Bones, two shows I enjoy but could ultimately not be forced to care less about.

DOLLHOUSE

Former Tru Calling star and general hottie Eliza Dushku had a development deal with Fox and, over lunch, roped former collaborator/Buffy Creator/Nerd God of the Highest Order Joss Whedon to create a new series for her, as he, too, had some shows left on his Fox deal.

The series follows a team of blank-slate operatives deployed for various missions, each one being imprinted with an assumed identity for the task at hand. Dushku plays Echo (all the "dolls," as they are called, have alpha, echo, roger names), the protagonist who begins developing a mind of her own. Some dude plays an FBI agent who gets embroiled in blah blah blah JOSS WHEDON'S BACK ON TV. I'm gonna, what...NOT watch this show?

Here's a sneak preview that doesn't really do or say much about the show but, hey, Eliza Dushku in a dress!




FRINGE

J.J. Abrams is apparently untouchable as a producer (Cloverfield, Lost, the new Star Trek reboot) and is fast becoming geek royalty. His new series, which he created in collaboration with Transformers screenwriters and former Alias cohorts Roberto Orci and Alex Kurtzman.

The show features former Dawson pal Joshua Jackson (last seen in, what, Cursed?), Boston Legal's Mark Valley, and others. It sounds like The X-Files, which is good enough for me. The pilot was directed by Alex Graves, who used to do some good work on The West Wing but I think also worked on Journeyman, so, toss up.



SIT DOWN, SHUT UP

Arrested Development creator Mitch Hurwitz apparently didn't get enough of the ratings/cancellation ASS RAPE he got from Fox last time around, so now he's taking a cue from Seth MacFarlane and producing an animated series about teachers. It sounds alot like BBC series Bromwell High but is actually based on an Australian sitcom.

Make sure you check out the three episodes that will air next spring before it gets canned like some bad spam.



This show is actually from NBC, but it is completely emblematic of why they are dead last in the ratings and have to rely on American Gladiators and Deal or No Deal for ad revenue.

MY OWN WORST ENEMY

Remember The Last Kiss Goodnight, the movie about an amnesiac housewife Geena Davis who wakes up one day and realizes she used to be a bad ass killer for hire mercenary type? Remember how screenwriter Shane Black got paid $4 Million for writing it and it made no money despite featuring both Samuel L. Jackson and Craig Bierko?

Okay, okay.

What if we made it a TV show, and instead of Geena Davis, we have CHRISTIAN FUCKING SLATER?

Yeah, how about that, NBC? You can barely keep Friday Night Lights, one of the finest examples of storytelling in American television history, on the air, but you want to funnel money into Christian Slater's abortive COMEBACK PROJECT? What the fuck? They can't even get Heroes to beat Two and A Half Men on Monday nights. They're gonna bring back the guy I last saw in Hard Rain and Alone In The Fucking Dark?

You know how shitty this show sounds? When all the other upfronts have preview scenes from the upcoming series they plan to debut, this is what My Own Worst Enemy has:



VIDEO FOOTAGE OF SOMEONE TAKING PICTURES!

OF CHRISTIAN FUCKING SLATER!!

I'm sorry GE/Universal. Television is not for you.