Maybe I'm just more practiced in the art of getting fucked up, but what is it with people who feel that imbibing booze gives them some sort of "Be An Asshole For Free" card? I'm not one of those straight-edge kids who thinks all forms of drinking are in some way morally bereft.
I drink all the time and the worst I've ever done as far as lack of inhibitions is concerned is ridicule people at IHOP or sing the occasional Stone Temple Pilots song. Why then, do other people see getting plastered as an opportunity to live out their favorite moments from Real World/Road Rules Challenge?
Here's what I know. If I can drink a fifth of vodka in ten minutes and remain relatively civilized, then you have no excuse to have a psychopathic emotional breakdown after a couple of shots of Bacardi.
I'm not saying liquor doesn't affect different people in different ways, and I totally understand the need to blow off steam and get shit off your chest, I'm just saying don't harsh my buzz because you want to go all Margot Kidder and shit.
(see also: DRUNK GIRLS WHO FALL ASLEEP AT BARS)
2) Christian Rockers
I really don't know a way to expound on this without being considered insensitive, so I won't bother candy-coating it. Christian rock makes my ears bleed. If at the gates of heaven, they're playing a boom-box of this shit, I'll take my chances on the ass-end of the river Styx, or, rather, listen to Styx, the band.
I need to be clear. It isn't the "Christian" part that bothers me so much. It's the "rock" part, or, really, the lack of it.
If all Christian rock music sounded like regular rock music, only substituting Jesus for the Lord of Darkness, and some sort of hand-jivey, halo symbol for the time-tested devil horns, then I suppose I could get behind it. I'm all for rocking, regardless of the deity we're invoking (although I personally always invoke Bacchus). The problem is that Christian rock, by and large, is the most milquetoast, vapid, flaccid form of guitar-driven music in the world. Polka has more balls than Christian rock.
Honestly, how many different ways are there to remind us how "awesome" your God is. Shouldn't that be self-explanatory by virtue of his having created the entirety of existence out of thin fucking air? Do I need some insipid asswipe with an emo-mop, an acoustic guitar and a underdeveloped sense of humor to remind me how wonderfully fantastically superbly whatever his religion of choice is? Isn't it implied?
I'm certain there are Christian rock bands that are awesome (Pedro The Lion is kind of cool). They just seem to be hiding. I know people love to say that they listen to all types of music "except country" but I think we should collectively replace that oft-maligned genre of honky-tonk with the one genre of music I think all forms of life would be altogether happy without: Christian rock.
(see also: TRANCE)
3) Dane Cook
I know it's become kind of vogue amongst the hipster set to unfairly criticize Dane Cook, if for no other reason than his immense popularity. I like Dane Cook, generally. I laughed hysterically at pretty much all of his pre-Tourgasm material. My problem isn't that he's so big now and all over the place. My problem is that he hasn't done anything new or interesting in years and that is somehow not reflected in how people perceive him.
I suppose its common for someone who's popular under the radar to oversimplify their style and persona to gain crossover success. It works for some people (The Shins, Sam Raimi, Barack Obama) but for others it just reminds us of how shallow their reportoire really is. I don't think I've fallen out of love with a pop cultural entity this fast since Ben Stiller, and at least his fall from grace didn't make his earlier work less funny.
Sadly I can't say the same for Dane Cook. Movies like Employee of The Month and Good Luck, Chuck actually make his old material less funny. It's sad.
(see also: THE STROKES {sorry, Julian})
4) The Guy Who Invented Oreo Cakesters
Those things are so addictive. Like, seriously, do you have one? I'll give you a half-and-half right now. I'm kidding, but seriously, I'm totally not. I love them.
(see also: THE GUY WHO INVENTED CRACK COCAINE {free-base!!!})
5) Madonna
Madge's been annoying the fuck out of me on a regular basis since I first discovered my snark gland, but she's pushing it now. I could forgive the bullshit, fake-English accent thing. I could forgive her keeping husband/director Guy Ritchie in a velvet lined dungeon baby-sitting all day. I could even overlook the fact that she's starting to show all of her forty-nine years and STILL insisting on dressing/dancing like a gen-y, tweener whorebag. I cannot, however, forgive her latest transgression.
She's managed to release the catchiest pop record of the year. Yeah, she didn't do a whole helluva lot of work (that would be Justin, Timbo, Danja, and Pharrell, among others) but still: I can't stop singing any of her songs. I'm so hooked I even went back to old shit. I fucking hated "Hung Up" when it came out now I can't stop listening to it. I'm talking way back. Like, "Borderline."
I've probably seen the video to "4 Minutes To Save The World" 3,000 times. I don't care that the song sounds like the theme song to Nickelodeon's GUTS (thanks am.fm.pm.) or that the video makes you think the song's real title is "4 Minutes To Prance Around Like College Kids On Bathtub Speed At A Grocery Store."
She has to be stopped. Can you imagine me at a convenience store at 11:30 at night buying cheap beer with laundry change while singing "Candy Store" to myself? I look like the bouncer at a gay bar on lunch break. Like a prayer. Like a virgin. Like a goddamn pain in my ass.
(see also: BRITNEY SPEARS {pre-batshit insanity})
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