I'll prove it.
See? You just got a nostalgia boner. You knew the words. You shimmied. You shaked. Your interest is piqued. You're positively gagging for it, aren't you luv?
The Powers That Be have already seen fit to throw He-Man, Smurfs, and Thundercats onto the ol' Hollywood slate. Transformers made roughly 1.3 Gajillion dollars domestic. Why the fuck hasn't someone, (preferably Michel Gondry) bought the rights?
I don't have an answer, but I DO have a plan. Well, it's not a plan. Its more of a fuzzy, half-logical rant about how cool the inevitable film adaptation could be. Even if Britney Spears got cast as Jem and Brett Ratner was going to direct from a script written by those two douchebags that do all the Epic Movie shit, it would still be at least as entertaining as Josie and The Pussycats.
Before I get into my thing, I'm gonna point out one obvious reason why there shouldn't be a Jem movie.
IT WOULD PROBABLY SUCK.
Yeah. I know. You thought that when you read the headline. Hollywood doesn't have a great track record for turning semi-shitty, cartoon properties into awesome movies, especially if they don't have robots or high toy-sales involved. If someone made a Jem movie it would probably look like High School Musical or The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants.
Yeah, I can already mind-barf from imagining the trailer. It's the type of bullshit that makes enough money to warrant 2 or 3 straight-to-DVD sequels. You know, the movie you don't mind seeing with your girlfriend, so long as she puts out. Zach Galifinakis or David Cross would probably have a shitty but welcome cameo. It'd sell alot of lunchboxes. A gang of tweeners'll have The Stingers' "It's All In The Style" as their MySpace profile songs.
Shit, tangent (plus, I love that song, dammit). Someone might read my WHY NOTs as WHYs and then who am I helping?
Okay, without further ado, here is a list of the people needed to make this movie awesome, broken down into the four areas they'd be working in:
DIRECTION
There is only one man who could direct a movie this absurd, musical, and colorful and have it not suck and his name is MICHEL GONDRY. As a director, he's got a ridiculously whimsical visual sense and his ideas are magical in the way a child's are. DOUG LIMAN could direct this if we re-made the cartoon as a live-action TV series, but if we're going the film route (and I think we are) then Michel is the man. I mean, come on. Its a series about a record exec who uses a magical earring to turn into a pop star. Does that sound more or less absurd than Be Kind, Rewind?
Michel's only weakness is as a writer. His imagination is boundless but story, plot and dialogue are not something he trades heavily in. Which is why there are three people who need to be involved on the page...
SCRIPT
The first is a no-brainer. JOSS WHEDON would never take time off from his awesome career to do this movie, but if you're a fan of Buffy or have ever read his super awesome web-comic Sugarshock (and you better have) then you know no other writer in Hollywood or otherwise can write witty, strong female types in ensembles better than Joss.
This being a big-studio project (in my imagination) with an off-kilter director, the script will go through multiple drafts. Alot of Joss' ideas will be rejected and he'll quit, wanting more control than MTV Films (or Fox Atomic, or whothefuckever) is willing to give. That's when the ball will be handed off to super-mega-hot-awesome Oscar winner DIABLO CODY.
Being super hot shit at the moment, she's fielding any number of ridiculous job offers from junior-studio execs and I wouldn't be surprised if this actually were one of them. Diablo would be responsible for the irony, wit and hipster cred this movie is going to need to survive. All the characters will be speak like cool-bitch catchphrase was their native tongue and I imagine her name alone will get asses in seats. Unfortunately, Diablo isn't as professional as we need for this. We need someone who knows the ins and the outs of screenplay construction. A worker. A craftsman.
We need JOHN AUGUST. After Go. Big Fish, Charlie & The Chocolate Factory, The Corpse Bride and any number of unproduced or uncredited script work, there is no one else in my mind who could write a movie like this. He's talented, smart and can do tongue in cheek guilty pleasure movies. (Just watch Charlie's Angels, on second thought, don't.)
August would meld all the ideas from the previous drafts into something workable and fresh, giving Michel the playbook he needs to win the championship, or, failing a championship of some sort, at least a movie that makes enough money to justify its existence without pandering to twelve year olds.
Now, onto...
THE CAST
If anyone is going to play Jerrica Benton, aka Jem herself, its SCARLETT JOHANNSEN. The lead would have to be, A) smoking hot, B) capable of being pretty but normal looking and C) able to sing. 2 out of 3 ain't half bad. Scarlett Jo could play shy, nice girl Jerrica, voluptuous sexbomb Jem and we could get someone with actual singing talent to dub over her smoky, man voice. Mission accomplished.
I don't have alot of strong reasons why OLIVIA THIRLBY, of Juno fame, should play Kimber, Jerrica's younger sister, but she's hot and I'm putting her in here somewhere, so try and stop me.
The rest of The Holgrams could be filled out with various singer-model types, namely NICOLE WRAY (who already made a Jem-homage in her video for "If I Was Your Girlfriend"), M.I.A. (who would be an interesting addition to any movie, this one or otherwise, even if she's not white) and maybe one of the Pussycat Dolls (don't care which one.) JULIA LING, from Chuck would be awesome as Aja.
While we're on the subject of Chuck, ZACHARY LEVI would be great as Rio, the nice guy who loves Jerrica and Jem.
JUSTIN HARTLEY, Green Arrow on Smallville IS Riot of The Stingers, mainly because he's charismatic, good-looking and in need of a breakout role.
Also, I never noticed it before, but CRAIG SHEFFER is the spitting-image of series villain Eric Raymond.
The rest of the cast would need to be mixed up with familiar faces, cute up-and-comers and the occasional real musician. It also wouldn't hurt to get cameos from some of the original voice-over actors and actresses, if only for the message board nerds.
THE MUSIC
Here's where things get fun. I really feel like there's one man who needs to be involved with the music for this film. His name is TIMBALAND. I don't think he should produce all the movie's cuts, because his sonic identity is far too recognizable to blend in, but he'd be great as a consultant. That'd open us up to getting his wingman DANJAHANDZ involved, not to mention his new little brother JUSTIN TIMBERLAKE, who, I'm sure, could do something for the film from a marketing standpoint. Plus, Timmy's friends with Pharrell and half of the Neptunes' songs sound like tracks from the cartoon anyway.
I'm sure THE DREAM could write some new, infectious tunes, or re-arrange old-ones to involve his trademark "ay-ay-ay" bullshit. LINDA PERRY could help out. As could MAX MARTIN, the man who made Kelly Clarkson seem likable and owned your ears in the late 90s/early 00s with all the shit he did for N*SYNC and The Backstreet Boys.
Remember, as much as we'd make off the movie, imagine how much the soundtrack would sell? If High School Musical could move that many units, imagine this?
Also, for good measure, we should put out a Lil' Wayne sponsored remix-album on the streets, to keep the mixtape mavens happy.
Well, that about covers it. I hope someone (COUGH Bob Weinstein COUGH) was listening.
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