LESBIAN ACTION! RIGHT HERE! RIGHT NOW! LET'S FUCKING DO THIS!!!
Reppin' Porn Valley...
THE TEAM OF --
FLOWER TUCCI & OLIVIA O'LOVELY
Flower Tucci (appropriately pronounced "tush-y") and Olivia O'Lovely are the cutest couple to ever hit porn. Oh, they didn't hit together, or start out as one, but some of their best video work has been in each other's arms (or thighs.) They're similar in alot of ways. Both are known for their ridonkulously large posteriors. They both have hot tats. They both have interesting ethnic backgrounds (Flower - Italian, Irish, Swedish and Olivia - Italian, Spanish, Chilean and French.)
Flower is an anal queen in the industry. She's also the reigning empress of squirting. I've seen alot of girls squirt in movies, especially if Lexington Steele is involved, but no one gushes quite like Flow. Spit-gagging blowjobs, Proctologist-scaring anal scenes, some of the best interracial work EVER. Flower, a former Seymour Butts tushy-girl, is quite simply, without peer.
Unless we count her longtime girlfriend Olivia O'Lovely. As notorious for her big hips and ass as her huge tits, Olivia is something of a jack (off) of all trades. There's not a genre you couldn't put her in. Plus, if I didn't already love her work enough, she's in a video with Murs (and Shock G, the one who puts the satin in your sheets.)
The coolest thing about Olivia and Flower is that they represent the best of porn. Every guy loves girl-on-girl, but watch enough porn and it becomes kind of stale. The girls barely look into it, or worse, they pull that early ClubJenna-era, artsy bullshit that looks like one of those Playboy videos Michael Bay used to direct, all air-brushed and soft kisses. If I wanted that shit, I'd watch The L-Word.
While alot of girls are "gay-for-pay." Basically, they can pull of the lesbian shit because its all in a day's work. That lingering doubt as to whether the girls are really into it or just playing to the camera kind of goes away when you're watching Flower and Olivia, because they're really involved. It works.
Now...
Their opponents, hailing from America's retarded younger brother, Canada...
TEGAN & SARA
Semi-famous indie recording artists Tegan & Sara are not just lesbians, they're also TWIN SISTERS. So, let's recap. Twins. Check. Lesbians. Check. Esoterically cute. Check.
Infectious and lovable covers of Prince songs?
Double check!
You've got to love Tegan & Sara. I'd only heard a few tracks off of So Jealous and I probably would've skipped The Con altogether if I hadn't gotten their lead single "Back In Your Head" lodged in my head thanks to mtv2. I'm glad I did, too, because the album is phenomenal. Strong, emotive songwriting, clever wordplay, beautifully catchy arrangements. It's no wonder MTV stuck them in a weird wave of cross promotion.
I mean, it was kind of off-putting to hear their aforementioned single after a new episode of Run's House but I think the reverend would approve.
The dichotomy between this week's porn couple and their indie-rock competitors is one th at exists in the minds of all men. The hot, fuckable, fantasy-driven Lipstick Lesbians we see on television and (natch) pornography, and the regular, plaintive, semi-cute Real-Life Lesbians we see, well, out in real life.
I know its a broad generalization (really a generalization about broads) and alot of people will object, but Olivia and Flower are just not the norm when it comes to lesbians. I'm not doubting the intensity of their passion for one another, nor will I stop watching their vids. I'm just saying that lesbians, by and large, don't always look that glamorous.
They don't have to.
Who do women get made up for? Men, because we're into that sort of shit. They don't have to do it for other women. I imagine that if you're in a healthy, gay relationship, the only reason for a lesbian to get that made up would be for herself, which I suppose is why sapphic sex seems so appealing.
Guys like it because its hot and they just want to watch, and I imagine women get into because its a pleasant alternative to all of the bullshit they have to deal with on a regular cock-filled basis. It would take alot to turn a straight man gay, but if a woman's had a bad week, a lousy break-up and one too many Long Island Iced Teas, you can bet going home with a girl's a damn good possibility.
What does this have to do with our fight? These girls represent opposite sides of a similar coin. Olivia and Flower offer us a fabrication based in fact that serves to titillate and arouse us. By putting their sexuality on display, they allow us (horny men) to bask in the glow of their hotness.
Tegan & Sara (who it must be said, are NOT romantically involved. Just because they're gay doesn't mean they're also incestuous) sing songs about heartbreak, falling in and out of love. A side of same-sex relationships that porn just wasn't created to shed light on. Yes, regular lesbians may have sex as hot as Olivia and Flower, but we don't get to see that. Olivia and Flower have probably already broken up, and I imagine the feelings they both have now aren't that different than the ones expressed in Tegan & Sara's music.
Like I said, they are both opposite sides of the same coin. This one's a toss-up.
BONUS --
The White Stripes fantastic cover of Tegan & Sara's "Walking With A Ghost."
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