Michael Bay Is A Rock Star

If you're a film nerd, then you know what its like to covet the seemingly awesome lives of your favorite filmmakers. No self respecting cinemaphile lies awake at night, watching a Turner Classic Movies rerun of Goodfellas dreaming of being Robert Deniro. That motherfucker is crazy. No one wants to be badgered on the street by random people quoting dialogue from a movie you barely enjoyed working on. Real die-hards want to be Martin Scorsese, but the real die hards are lying to themselves.

The rationale behind the director fantasy is that it seems like a fun life. Paparazzi don't follow directors around. When you get recognized, it's because of your talent and skill, not your weirdly cultivated persona. Even an uber-famous director can probably eat more peacefully in a restaurant than Ryan Reynolds. Directors even seem to get more hot actress tail than actors, but that may just be some residual social ephemera from the 70s film scene. All in all, it seems like a sweeter set-up. There's just one problem with that:

Directors aren't rock stars.

I know. We're not even talking about music, but we are. You see, all fame fantasies are based in the rock star paradigm. Every man alive wants to be a rock star. I don't mean like, Alternative Press, Myspace famous rock star, or critically-acclaimed, Pitchfork-endorsed indie rock star. Every man wants to be David Lee Roth. Not now, obviously. That motherfucker is crazy, too. But in the late 70s/mid 80s.

Intellectual adoration aside, Woody Allen is not a rock star. I'd love to be able to meet someone and casually mention how difficult it was to write Annie Hall or innocuously mention what Diane Keaton tastes like (well, in the 70s anyway.)

However, I wouldn't want to actually be Woody Allen. I love Stardust Memories as much as the next guy but, he plays the fucking clarinet. THAT'S NOT ROCK AND ROLL.

Luckily enough for the modern film nerd, there is one director they can fantasize about being who IS a rock star, and luckily, is NOT Brett Ratner. That man is Michael Bay.



See?

That motherfucker leads a fun life. Don't give me any of that bullshit about how that video is just a commercial for a media service. That's about as much a documentary as any D.A. Pennebaker film ever was. You just KNOW that's how he rolls in real life. Blowing shit up. Exotic animals. Sure, he looks like he used to play bass in Winger and sounds like Spike Jonze's older brother, but he directed Transformers!

If I was gonna live my life a famous director, I'd want to be that level of badass. I don't want people asking me about all the coke I snorted in the early 80s (cough Marty cough) or why I hate the nazis so much (Hello, Spielberg) or why the latter half of my career sucked so hard (Sorry, Orson Welles' ghost. So sorry.)

No, I want to be Michael Bay. This is the same guy who, frustrated with the never-ending writer's strike, sat down in his expensive Eames chair and fucking wrote Transformers 2 his DAMN SELF. You gotta love it.