Blood On The Tracks? ("I Don't Want To See This On Youtube!")

Number 1 inspiration for groundbreaking albums with intense replay value that everyone in the fucking world can relate to? Heartbreak.

The "break-up" album is a standard in popular music. Every artist with a long, storied discography who's had his insides shattered by some deceitful bitch at some point has managed to turn the whole painful ordeal into the kind of soulful, understanding tune-age that fills up the dead spots in all of us. Its a wondrous point in any musician's growth that everyone usually stands up and celebrates.

Well, apparently someone broke Kanye West's heart. My verdict? IMMINENT MUSICAL AWESOMENESS!!!



The first time I heard about Kanye's plans to drop a new album before year's end, I was only excited because the news came in tandem with the bit about him producing the lion's share of Jay-Z's Blueprint 3. I didn't start geeking out full-tilt boogie style until the 2008 VMA's.

I hate the VMA's, because they're boring and irrelevant, but I managed to stick around for the duration of the show (fast-forwarded, thanks to DVR) and caught the best fucking unveiling of a new song in the modern era of pop culture consumption in a long time.



Kanye, on a stark, dark stage, looking like a scruffy Marvin Gaye cover-act. That heartbeat bass. The glowing red heart on his chest. The hard-charging Taiko drums. That fucking CHORUS> "Love Lockdown" was, and is, a work in progress. It's a spare track that sounds like its not finished, incomplete. Not whole. Basically the voice of any man who's been hurt.

I've heard three million and seven remixes, but the song's untouchable. Every Kanye album has at least one song where he's stretches the boundaries of what is expected of him. Late Registration's "Addiction" is the closest thing in his catalogue to this kind of straightforward, swag-less love track, but if this is where his head is at, I want more, dammit, and I don't want to have to wait the extra month til he hastily releases 808's & Heartbreak.



Thanks YouTube! What? An even fatter beat? More twinkling piano keys? Another murderous hook? Did you tear up, because I don't care what it says about my masculinity, but I did.

Both "Love Lockdown" and "Heartless" perfectly capture what makes Kanye West so unique in the hip-hop landscape. He's a regular dude. In the producer's booth, he's a monster of epic proportions, an improbable beast who culls epic drum patterns with synapse numbing basslines and the slightest, barely off-kilter meanderings to create beats that blaze hotter than a red sun. On the mic, however, his swaggerific musings border on the hysterical, his posturing all the more endearing when coupled with his self deprecation, hypocrisy and indisputable passion.

"You gotta love it tho/somebody still speaks from his soul..."

He's one of a kind. Lots of underground hip-hoppers drop shit like this, but not the way Kanye does. He's a populist phenomenon. He takes whatever he's feeling and turns it into hit songs. There's something admirable about someone creating something so universal, and at the same time so personal. That's what art strives to be, and when Kanye West is left to his own devices, not forced to worry about making Jay-Z sound cool over soul samples, or giving T.I. something to trap over, that's what he achieves.

I hate that the man was obviously hurt, but I love that he's sharing his pain with us.

"You Never Shoot A Guy In The Dick!"

It's been like 3 months since I popped on here to share my peculiar (but endlessly fucking desirable) insight into the world of popular culture, so I know some cats been fiending out there for awhile now (namely one kid whose name rhymes with Mack Turk). I've just been keeping busy with a myriad of other shit and, quite frankly, wasn't crazy digging on anything enough to waste verbiage on the internets about it.

I won't bore you with what I've been up to. If you know me well enough, you can fill in the blanks with triple shot screwdrivers, long conversations about Kurt Vonnegut and copious replays of TV On The Radio's live version of "Ambulance." If not, just pretend my busy months were some cool amalgamation of the works of Jack Kerouac and the cinema of Seijun Suzuki (shout out to Tokyo Drifter!)

Top Ten Time: Been Keepin' The Conductor Busy --

1) Did I mention TVOTR's new album Dear Science? Because its fucking awesome. Tunde, Dave, Kyp and the guys basically staked their claim as my favorite band on Earth (this month anyway...) and even managed to surpass the already insurmountable awesomeness that was Return To Cookie Mountain.

The album's production sounds like Prince, Thriller-era Quincy Jones, Peter Gabriel, Brian Eno, Fela Kuti and Aunt Jemima got together to create the most sugary, bass-y, hard-hitting, funky prog-rock syrup to unclog your ears in today's trying ass times. You'll have something to dance and fuck to while chewing on Tunde's ruminations in today's unsure society (and if "Lover's Day" doesn't make you want to fuck someone til their spine's twisted, then you're libido needs a check-up.)

2) Heroes is the new Lost.

I know people have been saying it for years and shit, but the new season just reminds me that for every awesome ass moment they deliver us (SYLAR AND PETER ARE BROTHERS???) there's another head scratching moment that makes me hate how sophomoric their writing team is (So, now HALF the cast can time travel and/or be indestructable? Really? Did you guys learn nothing from early 90s X-Men comics?)

If Claire wasn't so hot and Zachary Quinto so badass, I'd've dropped this shit like a bad habit before the writer's strike. Watch your back, NBC.

3) Burn After Reading was a nice Coens flick. If No Country For Old Men is their Hellboy (we're using Mike Mignola here) then this is their Amazing Screw-On Head, a random, satisfying cum shot release after a difficult, terse, and somber piece of work. These guys like to have fun, and this movie reminded me of that.

4) Shia LaBeuf and I should hang out. I just watched Eagle Eye and that dude is cool. Other than him, the only thing making me feel like a 14 yr old white girl of late is Fall Out Boy. Their Clinton Sparks hosted mixtape Welcome To The New Administration was surprisingly listenable, and the two songs from their new album are both pretty fantastic. This coupled with their highly bangable cover of "Love Lockdown" have re-ignited my public/secret affection for the musical stylings of Patrick Stump and his goofy hat/mutton chop combinations.

5) Empire of The Sun is a cool band. I know nothing about them (nor do I feel like digging) other than the fact that "Walking On A Dream" is a catchy fucking song. They also have the coolest album cover of the year (find it your damn self.)

6) Is it just me, or is "Dead & Gone" the new T.I., Justin Timba-Lake collabo a certified burner that blows away most of the rest of Paper Trail?

7) I'm more excited about Murs For President than I am about the actual election. Any dude who can sample the Green Hornet theme and a James Blunt song on an underground hip-hop album deserves to rake in some sales, which makes me feel even more guilty for not buying his album.

8) Phonte from Little Brother is a dope MC, and a cool ass dude. If listening to his interludes on the Justus League/Little Brother mixtape "And Justus For All..." doesn't make you want to quit your shitty ass job, buy an MPC, make beats and put out music, then I don't know what will you lazy backpacker.

9) I wish DIPLO could remix my life, and sample the horns from "Careless Whisper" like he did for Paper Route Gangstaz (it'd also be cool if Blaqstarr did some extra cuts for the EP.)

10) I read Quentin Tarantino's new screenplay. INSTANT CLASSIC.

QT + Nazis + French Film Overtones = AWESOMESAUCE.

Stay tuned, kiddies...

Been Keeping Busy

Once again, I've fallen behind on posting. I've got a few pieces I'm working on that might find their way on to the internets tomorrow, but for now I'll just give you an idea of the type of shit that's been consuming my time and attention (aside from work and drinking):

1) Dr. Horrible's Sing-Along Blog



Joss Whedon kills it again with this musical, super-villain series of webisodes he created in collaboration with two of his brothers. It stars Neil Patrick Harris and Nathan Fillion and is all sorts of awesome. Too bad you didn't hear about it earlier, or you could have watched it for free at drhorrible.com Now you have to go to iTunes. See? It pays to be ahead of the nerdy curve.

Here's a trailer taste:



2) The Black Kids - Partie Traumatic



I loved their Wizard of Ahhs EP to pieces, but this full-length debut from The Black Kids (a semi-appropriate name, there's like 3 black people in the band) is just all sorts of fantastic. It's filled to the gills with kitschy, catchy dance pop bangers about unfaithful girlfriends, charming boys, and random sex. If you don't find yourself singing the hooks to "I Want To Be Your Limousine" or "Love Me Already" or the long-popular lead single "I'm Not Gonna Teach Your Boyfriend How To Dance With You" then you probably don't want to have any fun anyway, in which case, eat a dick.



3) THE DARK KNIGHT



I saw 3 times already and I'm probably not gonna stop there. I won't write a review, as I doubt I'd be capable of refraining from using words like "awesome," "orgasmic," and "kick-ass." You might see some Batman-related bloggage coming up, and if you're already tired of me talking about Batman, then go complain to Heath Ledger.

Too soon?

4) Olivia O'Lovely retiring



One of my top 5 fav porn stars is apparently calling it quits, or she might just be pulling an M.I.A. and giving fuck flicks a rest for the time being. Either way it is a sad day for lotion and tissues everywhere. She shot a short series of farewell scenes for the guys over at BangBros Her FuckTeamFive episode is pretty excellent, but her AssParade scene with Lacey Duvalle is the real keeper. Olivia will be sorely missed. Here's hoping she makes a Janine esque comeback in a few years.

5) Diplo & Santogold - Top Ranking



In the vein of M.I.A.'s Piracy Funds Terrorism Vol. 1, Diplo and Maya Arulpragasm devotee Santogold have released a diverse and exciting mixtape full of remixes, dub songs, and covers. XXXChange's remix of "L.E.S. Artistes" is pretty awesome, as are Santogold's cover of The Clash's "Guns of Brixton" (here as "Guns of Brooklyn") and the Diplo mix of "I'm A Lady" with my Spank Rock collabing home girl Amanda Blank.

The track making the most noise is the M.I.A. featuring, Gorilla Zoe sampling cut "Get It Up." It's every bit as hot as the blogosphere would have you believe. The mixtape isn't too hard to find if you're interested, or hit up Hype Machine for some of the leaked tracks.

Hip-Hop's Not Dead (THE NIGGER REVIEW)

French filmmaker/critic Jean-Luc Godard once said that were cinema as we know it to perish, not only would Rebel Without A Cause director Nicholas Ray have the talent and skill to reinvent it, but that he possessed the desire to do so. I feel like if Hip Hop really did die, the same could be said for Nas.



Before I go into details, I just want to say that Nas' new "Untitled" LP is the best rap CD of the year (sorry, Wayne.) Beneath all the swagtastic veneer and all of the image-driven bullshit, hip hop has always been elemental. It's like a flowing river of black strength that can be tapped into by anyone that finds something of themselves in it.

I know that's a bit too Iron Fist, but there's a magical thing happening in even the most derivative rap songs that more than explains how such an upstart musical genre could gain so much relevance in so little time. It doesn't just appeal to black people, but its undeniable that the strife and plight of black people in America is the flame that keeps the lantern burning.

Personally, I've always felt on the fence about the sociopolitical implications of hip hop as a whole and I've always been content to just enjoy drum-and-bass driven "black Superhero Music" as Jay-Z once called it. Hip hop at its best is uplifting, inspiring, powerful and fun, even when its shedding light on the dark corners of society we like to leave in the shadows. Nas gets this, and for the first time in a long time, I get Nas.

I used to fuck with Nas. Its blasphemy that I've never really listened to Illmatic but I've always enjoyed his brand of politicized power anthems and cinematically crafted street tales. I even didn't mind when he pretended he lost his fucking mind and did a booty-jam with Timbaland and Ginuwine (fuck you, I like "You Owe Me.") My perception of both Nas the artist and Nas the cultural entity were pretty shifted after the Jay-Z beef and the release of his last LP Hip-Hop Is Dead, but neither really for the negative. I just didn't consider him to be as ill an MC as most, and I kind of wrote him off.

I started to see him as this bitter, perpetual Number 2 raging out at the current state of black pop culture to try and stay in the spotlight. I thought the last album was an interesting concept, but the music made me feel like he was just grasping at straws. Promotional interviews and subsequent listens told me otherwise. Nas is the equivalent of a rock band who's been touring for 20 years and is just starting to understand how much they really love music (and it's really hard to argue with a line like "oh I think they like me/in my white tee/can't ice me, we here for life, b.") Nas is rap music's classic rock, and with Untitled, he just released his A Bigger Bang.

Nas has released the hip hop album we NEED in today's times. It's zeitgeisty, socially relevant, full of insight and, lest we forget, heavily bangable. Its the work of a seasoned veteran who's workman like skill makes an album this good look that easy to produce. I loved Tha Carter III but it lacks a cohesive structure and any real themes, and the last rap album I really got behind, American Gangster, was awash in themes and cohesion, but it lacked strong ties to the present with its movie-homaging and nostalgia.

Nas has made an album for right fucking now, and if you can't feel it, can't hear the utter necessity in his rhymes and the aesthetic wonder of the beats, then honestly? Fuck you. You're the reason Soulja Boy has money. You want to keep dumbing it down and shaking your ass, do it. Just don't bitch to me when music loses all its heart.

I think everybody has a little revolutionary in them, and its the mark of a true artist when they can bring it out in song. Untitled is equal parts soulful, militant, darkly comic, and frightening. The lead single "Be A Nigger Too," conspicuously absent from the final track list, was a great primer for what the album is all about. Controversy intertwined with true heart and an in-your-face intensity that refuses to be denied.

"N.I.G.G.E.R. (The Master and The Slave)" is a beautifully crafted anthem that is as heartwrenching as it is inspirational, echoing sentiments that permeate the LP. Even a clearly made-for-radio track like Polow's "Hero" or the Chris Brown and The G ame guesting "Make The World Go Round" sidestep the awkwardness Lil' Wayne experienced trying to crossover with T-Pain by virtue of the earnestness in Nas' approach. Mark Ronson produces a upbeat cut with Busta Rhymes called "Fried Chicken" that tells the cautionary tale of the black man's love for things that are so obviously not good for them. Only an artist as absurd and high energy as Busta could make a song this concept-y seem so real.

There's some controversy over the Salaam Remi produced track "You Can't Stop Us Now" that sounds nearly identical to the similarly named RZA song of off Digi Snax. Both men flipped the same sample, but I have to say I prefer Nas' take. The drums are more palatable and the hook actually means something. Nas crafts a worthy rallying cry that is undeniable in its sense of soul and self. RZA's track is hot too, but mostly aimless.

I could go on forever about tracks like "Black President," the fairly self-explanatory, Tupac-sampling, DJ Green Lantern produced track that closes the album or the title track "Untitled" or a personal favorite of mine "Y'all My Niggas," a song that makes even this culturally confused mullato rock a black power fist. Nas constantly splits time between inspirational soothesaying, rebellious fight music, social semantics and the pained, blatant, bloated bling-bragging designed to remind us that riches are a fucking joke. Nas seems equally a victim and an attacker of the paper chasing that's befell so many other rappers.

"I was thinking a little bit/what would it take to authenticate my niggerness?/ball ridiculous/26 inches when I call up the dealership?/aww, that's some nigger shit."

For my money, the best track on the album is "Sly Fox," the most biting, incendiary social commentary in a hip hop song in a long time. Nasir Jones declares war on Fox News, Rupert Murdoch, Bush (big surprise), CBS, Bill O'Reilly and pretty much anybody else who is pissing him off at the moment. "The fox has a bushy tail/and bush tells lies that fox trots/and I don't know what's real." "O'Reilly, oh really? No rally needed, I'll tie you up." The last time I heard a black man this angry I was reading a play by Amiri Baraka.

It's all there. All the ingredients for hip-hop brilliance, expertly baked into a seven-layer chocolate cake. Eat it up, bitches.

The Top 5 Albums of The First Half of 2008

Is it too early for a top 5 of the year list? Yeah, by about six months, but fuck it. We're Christmas shopping in July.

Lykke Li - Youth Novels



Discounting how in love with her I am, this is a beautiful collection of recorded songs. The two main things music I enjoy tends to make me want to do is cry or dance, and with Ms. Li I can always do both. The gorgeous track "Let It Fall" is a prime example of how Lykke Li's voice and Bjorn Yttling's production equates sadness with sex. "I like it soft, I like it wet, I like my make-up in a mess" could easily be describing both the act of making love and the act of "getting the sad out." There's a borderline twee innocence about her but its overshadowed by the sheer depth of emotion on display in these songs. There won't be an album this catchy, thoughtful or engaging all year.

Lil' Wayne - Tha Carter III



It wasn't the monster everyone wanted, but it's a damn solid rap album. A little front-loaded with killer tracks and a sagging third act like a Miramax film, Weezy still delivers one of the most satisfying hip-hop drops in a long time. Come for the pop stylings of "Lollipop" and the swagoliciousness (just made up a word, eat a dick) of "A Milli," but stay for the quiet, soulful ruminations of tracks like "Tie My Hands" and "Shoot Me Down." Do what I did and delete "La La" from your playlist entirely. I defy someone to make a more engrossing rap cd this year (do you hear me Nas & 3 Stacks?)

The Last Shadow Puppets - The Age of Understatement



Timeless. Intriguing. Endless replay value. Some of the most epic orchestration on a non-classical album in recent memory. Tales of love lost, found and remembered. Lush, cinematic music made by a bloke from Sheffield who got his start with songs with names like "Chun-Li's Spinning Bird Kick." What's not to love? The fact that there's only 12 tracks and they aren't touring in the U.S. yet. Otherwise? Nothing. Absolutely nothing at all.

The Wombats - A Guide To Love, Loss & Desperation



If you like the introverted musings of The Cure, or The Smiths or Pulp but you like to smile and dance your beta male romantic insecurities away with guitar-driven pop rock, herky-jerky jams, then The Wombats are for you. If a song called "Let's Dance To Joy Division" makes you chuckle by its title alone, The Wombats are for you. If a line like "I only meant to say farewell but I spilled more than my drink/I can't remember exactly what I said, but I remember being chased up the street." hits too close to home, The Wombats are for you. Tales of falling for strippers, doctors, girls in bars, brides. They're like T-Pain, with guitars and no auto-tune.

Girl Talk - Feed The Animals



I don't even have to explain why this album is killer dope. Mary J. Blige singing "Real Love" over The Guess Who's "These Eyes." Lil' Wayne rapping over "Nothing Compares 2 U" and "Under The Bridge." "Roc Boys" and "Paranoid Android." Pimp C (RIP) rapping over The Spencer Davis Group. "Renegade" turned into some sort of crazy party banger. Lil' Mama and Metallica? "Flashing Lights" and Blackstreet? Daft Punk may be playing at James Murphy's house, but Girl Talk is DJing my fucking wedding, and I'm single.

HONORABLE MENTION - WHY IT WASN'T PICKED




Death Cab For Cutie (Narrow Stairs) - Amazing, but too fucking sad.



N.E.R.D. (Seeing Sounds) - Also amazing, but I'm still digesting it



Beck (Modern Guilt) - Fantastic, but I downloaded it this morning. Too soonsies.



Coldplay (Viva La Vida) - I value people's opinion of me.



Wolf Parade (At Mount Zoomer) - I'm only feeling about half of it.



Madonna (Hard Candy) - I actually do want to include it, but I'm too lazy to re-write this post.

Britney Is The New Tom (Cruise, Not The Myspace A-Hole)

As promised yesterday, I'm gonna tell you why Britney Spears' most recent release, Blackout is the dance pop equivalent of Mission Impossible III. I understand that such a simple comparison is basic Klosterman-y pop sociology 101, but I've long been a populist apologist who becomes enamored by certain phenomenon (or lack thereof) way too late (for whatever reason, I always fall in love with Spoon albums exactly a year after their release) and this is the best way I could find to discuss both. Lucky me my opinions dovetail.

It should be obvious (by sheer virtue of me wasting this much time discussing said subjects) that I enjoyed both Britney's album and Tom's movie, but for whatever reason, i feel like the only one on both accounts. Anyone who reads People or watches any amount of television can draw the parallels between the stars:

1) They both suffer from media over-saturation.
2) They both were widely considered to be the biggest at what they do (Britney - dancing in skimpy outfits to hugely successful pop music. Tom - Running really fast and being cool in borderline homoerotic blockbuster films.)
3) They're both apparently batshit insane.

Now, neither Blackout nor MI3 were exactly panned critically or commercially. They both did respectable numbers and were accepted for what they were, but for me, both projects should have helped to get their respective stars out of their public relations nightmare holes.

Blackout is a modern, shimmery dance pop record that is easily the best and most consistent of Britney's career, sufficiently catapulting her into Madonna territory, while MI3 is a thrilling, deftly executed, character-driven action piece that runs away with the series and is perfect popcorn pop candy. What more of a comeback could the general public expect? Surely this would be the end of the Best Week Ever bashing and water-cooler joke-offs about both formerly beloved pop icons?

Such was not the case.

Tom is still a joke and most people wonder if he's still worth the $20 mil and Britney, well, the less said about Ms. Spears the better. I just don't get why. Blackout is fucking fire, and who the hell doesn't love a little Tom Cruise/ Philip Seymour Hoffman fight action? Several people, apparently, but fuck, it just isn't right.

There are two major arguments as to why these comebacks didn't exactly, well, come back. The first is fairly logical, and the second one is a bit of a stretch, but personally, I feel very very valid.

ARGUMENT 1:

Both Blackout and MI3 are a better showcase for the people behind the scenes than the stars on the cover.

The primary producer behind Brit's album was longtime Timbaland-sidekick Danjahandz. If Timbo is Batman and Danja Dick Grayson, this album is his Nightwing moment. Flying solo, he manages to show how he could hang with such a superproducer and not get dwarfed. We've seen his futuristic soundscapes before, most notably on the DJ Khaled posse cut "We Takin' Over" and the underrated Trey Songz burner "Wonder Woman." In addition to being a chief architect of the synthy sound Big Timmy's turned into a radio-smothering trend, he also did a lot of work on Duran Duran's last album (beats that, really, would've been better used elsewhere.)

Along with some help from T-Pain, Keri Hilson and Sean Garrett on writing duties, Pharrell producing a track and the additional production work of Bloodshy & Avant and The Clutch, Danja makes Britney sound less like a TRL joke than she has since she arrived. She actually sounds like a woman (a one-dimensional, sex-hungry woman, but a woman nonetheless.) It's a step into Janet Jackson territory that tracks like "Toxic" only hinted at.

As much of a triumph it is for Britney, Blackout is really Danja's solo coming out party, proving to the world he can handle his own business without Timbaland behind him making weird noises with his mouth.

Ditto J.J. Abrams, the television god who made his film directing debut with MI3. Yes, he was criticized for not having a strong mastery of the widescreen and that his framing was too "TV" but the movie proved that J.J. was ready to run with the big dogs, as evidenced by his being hired to revamp the Star Trek franchise with untold millions of Paramount's money. He did Tom justice, no doubt, but it was his show as well.

ARGUMENT 2

Gravitas.

For all intents and purposes, Blackout should've been widely considered THE dance record of the year. Too bad M.I.A. released Kala in the same year. You see, as much as people don't like to admit it, Britney and M.I.A. are the same kind of artist. They both make female driven dance pop. The main difference is that while Britney is thought of as vapid and radio-friendly, M.I.A. has more gravitas by virtue of the fact that her music is more global and she occasionally shouts out things that sound vaguely political.

Dance pop is generally repetitive and empty music made to dance to, and Britney delivers that in spades. The song structures and hooks on Blackout are sugary and easy to digest, but SO ARE THE ONES ON KALA! Just because Britney is talking about fucking and M.I.A. is talking about third world democracies, doesn't instantly make her album better.

How is "Hands up. Guns out. Represent the world town." any less bullshit than "Gimme gimme more..." (For further understanding of the vacancy of the M.I.A. formula, listen to Santogold, who is basically M.I.A. but talking about what appears to be absoluetely nothing at all.) Both are totally vague, empty statements designed for repeat recitations while gyrating your hips. Fans react to both of them the same way. They dance, sing a long and fantasize about fucking the singer. Just because the guy fantasizing about fucking M.I.A. is wearing a Che Guevara shirt doesn't make her album BETTER.

It annoys me that M.I.A. gets all of this extra love based on a flip-side of the type of soulless imagery marketing people constantly criticize major labels for propagating. Probably the same way it annoys Tom Cruise that he was doing the same shit Matt Damon was doing in the Bourne series, but since Paul Greengrass had darker lighting and shakier cameras, his film got the love and awards while Tom seemed like an unimaginative douchebag. It seems all you have to do in this world to seem more legitimate is to abstractly invoke the post 9/11 landscape and look moderately morose.

If Tom had put on some Jack Bauer angst or if Britney had worn a dashiki, I imagine they both could have gotten in on the action, but that's just the way it is. Things designed to be popular and enjoyed on a massive scale are supposed to get lambasted or ignored by the intellectual elite. If Britney Spears isn't "commercial", then how can M.I.A. be so "cutting-edge?" Britney Spears and Tom Cruise are like populist, sacrificial lambs, making it easier for people to like danish filmmakers and Sri-Lankan dance crazes.

It may sound like I don't like M.I.A. I don't. I love her. Ditto Jack Bauer and Matt Damon. I'm not saying these things suck or are lacking. I just wish my man Tom and my girl Brit could get a little of that elitist love themselves. We all know they cry into their money-filled pillows every night craving it. Why not give them a little?

A Few Questions...

- Isn't it cute in Lloyd's new song that totally jacks the beat to Eric B. & Rakim's "Paid In Full" when Weezy playfully jacks the opening of Rakim's verse ("I'm thinking of a master plan...")? I guess that's what you call "Recycling, R-E-Reciting..."



- Is Will Smith ever going to play a dickhead who STAYS a dickhead and doesn't get rehabilitated at some point in his film's running time? Don't you want to see him in a Neil LaBute play as a raving misogynist? Just ONCE in my life, I want to see Will Smith call someone a "cunt." Where's David Mamet when you need him?

How great would it be to see Smith in a role like this?



- Why does it get harder to give a fuck about Wu-solo albums not involving Ghostface? I wanted so badly to care about RZA's new Digi Snax but all I could muster was a love for lead single "You Can't Stop Me Now." There's just such an abundance of side-projects and spin-offs that I only have a finite amount of give-a-fuck juice for my Wu-bredren.



- Is it just me, or does all of network television seem irrelevant after the WGA strike? It's really hard for me to get into shows anymore. All I do now is worry about the impending Actors' strike, and we know actors are a lot less reasonable than writers.



- After watching Wanted, don't you wish Morgan Freeman and Samuel L. Jackson would team up in a buddy movie about two hitmen who run around spouting cool one-liners, cursing and being generally awesome? Don't you wish they were both your really cool uncles who bought you booze when you were sixteen and would talk your mom into getting you cooler gifts? Doesn't the word "fuck" just sound so good coming out of their mouths?



It does.

It so does.

It's Been A Long Time...

On the off chance there's anyone out there who's missed my ravings on matters trivial and overblown, the wait is nearly over. I've been busy with work, excessive drinking and writing a script, but be on the lookout Thursday for some bloggy-hotness.

What to look for:

- Me equating Britney Spears' last album with Mission Impossible III.
- Me making a bullshit list of the top 5 albums of the first half of '08.
- Maybe a review of Wanted.
- The first Porn Star V. Indie Songstress in forevs.
- Possibly a profile on Jude Law and why he'll never be as respected as he probably should.


Until then, enjoy this video of Lykke Li & El Perro Del Mar singing "After Laughter Come Tears."



Remember:
"I don't believe in the no-win situation."

Comeback Central: Located At 221-B Baker Street?

Before I get into how tantalizing a thought the above image is (and it is very, very tantalizing), let's talk about Guy Ritchie.



Guy Ritchie is a man of many mistakes. Well, one really. He married Madonna and fell victim to Gavin Rosdale Syndrome (a debilitating disease in which an otherwise affable and talented bloke is turned into a baby-sitter by his hot and famous pop-star wife.) Ritchie is responsible for two of the coolest movies of all time (Lock, Stock & 2 Smoking Barrels and Snatch) as well as one of the worst (Swept Away, his Madge-starring remake of the classic Italian film that left him in director jail obscurity.)

The man who helped make Jason Statham a household(ish) name tried making a comeback with Revolver, a mixed-reviewed movie I still haven't seen but apparently am not exactly missing out on. Now, it appears, the man who made quick-cuts, cockney accents and shaggy-dog heist stories a humorously post-modern genre all their own has weaseled his way into a comeback.

I say "weaseled" because, in all honesty, the only reason Ritchie's latest film RockNRolla is getting even the slightest hint of a buzz is because it stars Gerard Butler, the 300 star Warner Bros. would have hired Hitler to direct if it meant they could keep some more of that Sparta money coming their way. Joel Silver was so pleased with the new (as yet unreleased) film that he let leak that he wanted Guy to helm his long-in-development adaptation of the legendary WWII-set DC Comic Sgt. Rock.



Now, there's a concept I can get behind. A man who is really good at having people shoot each other with witty one-liners doing a WWII film based on a comic book. That actually sounds like a greenlight waiting to happen. Then Warner Bros. (a company who I lose little droplets of respect for with every passing day) announced that they want Guy to direct their latest hope at a new franchise: SHERLOCK FUCKING HOLMES.

Okay. Now, I love me some Arthur Conan Doyle. Sherlock is one of my favorite characters in literary history. His mythology is rich and he's just fucking cool. It's been ages since Hollywood made a serviceable adaptation of any of his stories (unless you count the entirety of Law & Order: Criminal Intent which is, for the most part anyway, just Dick Wolf and former showrunner Rene Balcer remaking Sherlock as a neurotic NYPD Detective.) I just have one qualm.



Guy Ritchie is good at a great many things (well, that's a stretch,) but nuanced mystery has yet to be proven among them. There's pretty much only one individual that could get signed and get me excited about this project.

NOW BACK TO THAT PICTURE:

Robert Downey Jr. is one of the few, proud actors in Hollywood that can play pretty much any part given to him. A lot of people think of Johnny Depp when they think of that type of actor, but fuck him. I like him, sure, but he's no Bobby DJ (yes, I just made up that nickname. Feel free to co-sign.) Now that Iron Man is making hundreds of millions of dollars, Downey is finally A-List after 20+ years in the biz. That means he's getting asked to join more projects than the only smart kid in a science class in the slums.

Of those projects (which include another detective franchise and a fantasy movie from the guy who did Seabiscuit, and a movie about cowboys and aliens titled, yes, Cowboys & Aliens) the only one I think could sufficiently supplement Iron Man is Sherlock.

Who else could imbue the part with the charm, intellect, wit and presence needed to make Sherlock a modern, kick-ass action hero (something I'm guessing WB wants to do if they have Guy fucking Ritchie directing based on some unpublished comic that casts Holmes as more swashbuckling than junkie-know-it-all.)

Personally, I think this movie has serious potential. I just hope they get someone who isn't Guy to pen the script (preferably someone with gravitas, like The Queen's Peter Morgan, or a master craftsman like Michael Clayton scribe Tony Gilroy) and don't go too far in the direction of making Sherlock James Bond.

They could always take a page out of the Green Hornet sidekick dynamic playbook and have Jason Statham play Watson as an ass-kicking, McDreamy-esque doctor who aids his friend Sherlock by kicking dudes in the head and driving expensive, European cars very, very fast.

Either way, this franchise has serious potential, so long as they don't replace all the interesting subtlety of the Holmes mythology with British gangsters and explosions. Well, not TOO many explosions, anyway.

R.I.P. Stan Winston

The man is responsible for arguably the best make-up effects work in the history of cinema (no offense, Rick Baker.) He's responsible for everything from Terminator to Jurassic Park even to the recent Iron Man. I have nothing to say that merely reading off his imdb credentials wouldn't better illustrate.




He will be sorely missed.

A Movie Ostensibly About Kicking

Look, I don't fucking care what the plot of Ong Bak 2 is and neither should you. All you need to know is that fight master extraordinaire Tony Jaa is making his directorial debut with a tenuously connected sequel to the film that made him big all over the world.

THINGS YOU CAN EXPECT IN ONG BAK 2:

- Tony Jaa cutting off a dude's head with a sword.
- Tony Jaa hopping on elephants.
- Tony Jaa hitting people accompanied by that awesome bone-crunching sound.
- Tony Jaa impregnating a young woman by kicking her in the face with his dick*

* one of these is made up.

Here's the trailer:



And, because I know you can't get enough of people getting kicked, here's a trailer for a film puzzingly titled Chocolate from the guy who directed the first Ong Bak/. In point of fact, it's just like Ong Bak, only with a chick, which actually makes it potentially awesomer than Ong Bak.



Time will tell.

Strange Fruit (Hanging From The "Pop" Tree)

Tha Carter III may be hogging all of the spotlight as the "IT" rap album of '08 (if for no reason than people aren't widely aware that Andre 3000 is putting out a disc in the fall), but that doesn't mean it necessarily IS the "IT" album of the year. My smart money for that is on Nas' new controversial release, Nigger.

Yeah, yeah. I know. He "changed the title" so Wal-Mart would carry it and shit, but its the Nigger album. I wanted to get a job at a record store just to hear PC-people struggle to ask for it. Who the fuck is actually going to be referring to it as Untitled? Besides, I kind of like the new "edited" album cover. It looks a helluva lot more powerful than Nas in a rocking chair under the infamous N-word.



Judging on the strength of the Polow Da Don-produced single "Hero" (yes, Polow, you are forgiven for "Love In This Club") I think this album might have a strong chance at instant classic status. That, or at least Nas will accomplish being entertaining and expressing his own controversial views while selling records. That'd be nice. A top selling hip hop album unencumbered by a club banging radio-hit. Be Illmatic Or Die Tryin.

The real clincher for me is the new Rik Cordero-directed short film video for "Be A Nigger Too." It smacks of "99 Problems" and some of the work Anthony Mandler has done for Common and leans a little on the side of pretension, but I love the song. Keep an eye out for cameos from The Wire's Andre Royo and Harold And Kumar's John Cho.



Now, I'll leave you with a nice salvo for the actual release, which I think is scheduled for mid-July. DJ Green Lantern and Nas just released this fire mixtape and it features a nice, bangable preview of what to expect.

Nas & DJ Green Lantern present - The Nigger Tape

The Return Of The 'Tunes or, "I See Sounds."

Do remember, back a few years ago, when seemingly every radio hit sounded like it was written and produced by The Neptunes? That's because Pharrell Williams and Chad Hugo had pretty much taken over pop music. No longer content to just produce club bangers for hip-hoppers (N.O.R.E.'s "Superthug" is a highlight of that early era), they graduated to Quincy Jones status by crafting hits for Britney Spears, Justin Timberlake, your mom, etc. Joining the ranks of Timbaland before them (and I suppose T-Pain and Akon after them), they weren't just producers. They were SUPERproducers.

All that was enough to make them staples in the pop cultural landscape, but they also, along with friend Shae Haley, formed a band called N.E.R.D. Their debut In Search Of... was an instant classic, fusing so many genres and sounds that it could only be described as "...that Neptune sound..." (thanks Jay.) Their follow-up Fly Or Die was equally dope, but didn't catch on quite the same.

Around that time, things started to change for the Neptunes. Pharrell became more and more ubiquitous, finding solo success (sort of) with In My Mind and all of his other Chad-less collaborations. Chad spent more time with his family as well as doing production work as "Chase Chad" for friend Kenna's debut album. Newer Neptunes-crafted hits are conspicuously devoid of Chad Hugo songwriting credits, as Pharrell did a lot of the work on Clipse's Hell Hath No Fury solo. With less and less radio hits and more time apart, beatheads were worried The 'Tunes would go the way of Outkast.

Luckily, that hasn't happened.



Right on the heels of Neptunes production work making a resurgence with their excellent work on Madonna's Hard Candy, N.E.R.D. has come back strong with their third LP, Seeing Sounds. It hits stores on June 10th and is already a shoo-in for my Top 5 of '08 list. Not since The New Pornographers first-three album streak has anyone consistently released pop music this good. My ears have not felt this good in some time.

We already know how money the first two singles, "Everyone Nose" and "Spazz," are, but every track on the album is of this caliber. From the Hives-guesting "Time For Some Action" to the epic track "Sooner Or Later," the album is nearly flawless.

(I say nearly because "Love Bomb," while cute and Lennon-esque in the mold of the middle third of Fly or Die, is kind of annoying. Also, Shae is still widely useless, but what are you gonna do? Everyone needs a Ringo.)

"Anti-Matter" and "Kill Joy" both exhibit a frenetic, party-ready exuberance that is both welcome and applaudable. Another highlight is "Happy," as sexy and exciting as it is dreamy and suprisingly pop-rock-ish. So far, my favorite track is "Yeah You," a jazzy, smooth rumination on stalker-y, crazy girls that Pharrell probably has to deal with on a regular basis.

The Neptunes are back on their grizzy, and if the rumors are true, this bodes very well for the propsed CRS (Pharrell, Lupe, Kanye) supergroup release. If nothing else, I now really want to see them live on the Glow In The Dark tour.

Cop this album! Highest possible recommendation.

N.E.R.D. - Anti-Matter
N.E.R.D. - Windows
N.E.R.D. - Yeah You

5 Songs You Should Be Listening To

Yes, watch as I force my musical obsessions onto you.




Kleerup f. Robyn - With Every Heartbeat

Further proof that Swedish people know how to make fucking pop music. I randomly discovered Kleerup (full name Andreas Kleerup), a record producer, because one of the other tracks on his self-titled debut compilation features Lykke Li (my future Wifey.) This track is crazy catchy, delicious and good for you. It's like if Total cereal tasted like Cinnamon Toast Crunch, but in music form.

The Wombats - Bleeding Love

First off: I fucking LOVE The Wombats. If you don't have A Guide To Love Loss & Desperation you are sorely missing out, my friend. They make the kind of angular, witty, brit rock that makes me happy inside. Conversely, I fucking HATE Leona Lewis. Her hit single "Bleeding Love" is so sickly catchy that I often find myself wanting to bludgeon her into submission with a stack of NME Magazine back issues. This cover, however, is fantastic. It turns the saccharine nature of her lyrics and gives them a post-punk-y edge I can swallow. "Bleeding Love" could be this year's "Since U Been Gone," "Crazy" or "Umbrella" as far as indie pop covers go. This needs to be in a movie.

MC Chris - Older Crowd

MC Chris is my fav nerdcore rapper. It takes alot to rap about video games, anime, comic books and computers and NOT sound like a one-trick, in-joke pony. His new LP MC Chris Is Dead is a little bit dancier than his previous releases, and this track is the pinnacle of that. Weaving a tale of aging hipster, looming mid-life crisis horror that would make James Murphy blush, Chris manages to do what all rap music should: express himself expertly while making us want to dance. This song plays in the background every time I leave my apartment.

The Foxboro Hot Tubs - Ruby Room

American Idiot was a Green Day album I thought sucked until I heard the tracks done live on Bullet In A Bible. Even then, I wondered, "where's the fun?" Politically driven concept albums about modern-day middle America are nice and all that, but when I listen to rock music, I want to have some fucking fun. Lucky me, Green Day pulled another Network and released a side-project as The Foxboro Hot Tubs. Stop, Drop and Roll feels like 60s garage rock, and my fav track at the moment is "Ruby Room," for no other reason than it features a Mellotron, the coolest instrument ever. I really hope this hits big on rock radio, but rock radio is dead, so, doubt it.

Rick Ross f. Pharrell - Get Down

Rick Ross sucks. He's like a shittier graduate from the Young Jeezy School Of Coke Rap. He's a mediocre MC who makes up for his lack of lyrical prowess with an above average amount of swagger and presence. Needless to say, that doesn't matter when you're spitting over an infectious beat courtesy of The Neptunes that should've been a gigantic club smash. It feels more like a Pharrell solo track that Rick Ross' authoritative boom accompanies, but, regardless, I fuck with it hard.

Weezy Got Me Torn Like Imbruglia (Tha Carter III: The Reluctant Review)

Despite having the funniest fucking album cover in the history of rap music (this kid should've been Kenard from The Wire), Tha Carter III is the most anticipated hip hop album in a long fucking time. Personally, I've gone through a whole separation anxiety, psychologically torturous love/hate relationship with the album. I kept flip-flopping between genuine excitement, cautious worry, and outright "fuck that nigga. I'ma start fucking with T.I. again."

Well, thanks to Wayne's useless verbal war with mixtape DJs everywhere, the album is officially available on the internets. Some of my friends are being decent people and waiting until the June 10th release to actually purchase the album. They've waited this long, I suppose, so it makes sense. I'm impatient, though. This album could potentially be vital to understanding the hip hop landscape in 2008, so I couldn't wait any longer.

The first thing I'd like to say about the album is "I FUCKING TOLD YOU SO!!!"

I kept saying, again and again, it doesn't matter how good this album is going to be, WE'VE WAITED TOO LONG AND IT WON'T FUCKING MATTER, and I'm right. If this album had come out 6-8 months ago, people would be creaming over it like Peter North. It hasn't even officially dropped in stores, and there's already a backlash among the hip hop bloggerati. You've got people hating on the auto-tune on "Lollipop" or complaining that TCIII has too many guest spots.

The truth of the matter is it's a solid album. A very strong release with an above average number of decent tracks. Is it the monster we all wanted? No. On a scale of Godzilla 2000 to Cloverfield it's the dragon Sean Connery voiced in Dragonheart. The thing that kept nagging me as I began devouring the 18 tracks Lil' Wayne has seen fit to bestow upon us was the sense of what could have been.

I couldn't stop thinking about all of the 5-star tracks that could have lit this album aflame if they hadn't been independently leaked for no reason. I suppose in today's market landscape, the notion of a single track being placed in the context of an album is fairly unimportant, but you can hear on this track list spaces where "Gossip" (which will be available as a bonus disc called "The Leak" with the deluxe edition of TCIII) or "I Know The Future" or "Reppin Time" or "I Feel Like Dyin."

Okay. Enough bitching. On to the positives.

Wayne has assembled the kind of perfect line-up of producers that most rappers kill for. He's got Cool & Dre, Just Blaze, The Alchemist, Wyclef Jean, Swizz Beatz, and Streetrunners. The two producers with the most tracks are Kanye West, who brings above average beat heat, from the strangely outtake sounding Robin Thicke guesting "Tie My Hands" to the woulda-been-a-radio-hit-10-years-ago Babyface-guesting "Comfortable." Banner, typically an underrated producer, contributes the two funniest songs on the album (unintentionally) "Phone Home" an song that turns the classic Wayne line "We are not the same, I'm a Martian" and turns it into a whole riff on E.T., and "La La" probably my least favorite track on the album, and not just because it's fucking retarded and features Busta Rhymes (no, wait, it's EXACTLY that.)

Initial singles "A Milli" and "Got Money" with T-Pain sound alot better in context than they did on their own, the former benefitting greatly from no longer featuring Cory Gunz. There's a feeling of rehash in some of Weezy's lines, but the one reusage I dig is on "Playin' With Fire" when he reuses the last verse from "World Of Fantasy." Its an album highlight, and really stands out. The Jay-Z guest track, "Mr. Carter" is my current favorite. I just like hearing Wayne try out the soul-sample route, which works surprisingly well on the final, 10 minute track, "Misunderstood."

Juelz and Fabolous help out on "Nothin On Me" and it leads into to Kanye-produced "Let The Beat Build" pretty well, and although I can see it being a fairly successful radio hit, the song "Mrs. Officer" with Bobby Valentino, an entire song about Weezy fucking a female cop, comes off as kind of ridiculous (if unfairly catchy.)

What it all boils down to is a solid B+. I like it. If I HAD paid for it, I wouldn't be disappointed, just a little crestfallen that it wasn't the 5 Mic-er we were all expecting. For all I know, this thing could sell 20 million records and win a fuckton of grammys. This is, after all, something of a premature evaluation, so who knows? I say get the fucking thing and make your own opinion, but if you can, just skip that "La La" bullshit.

Lil' Wayne f. Jay-Z - Mr. Carter (produced by Juat Blaze)
Lil' Wayne - Let The Beat Build (produced by Kanye West)
Lil' Wayne - Playin' With Fire (produced by The Streetrunners

THE CURSE OF THE FATAL DEATH

So, I'm always ranting and raving about how fucking great Steven Moffat is and how he's a master level television writer equally at home penning brilliant, farcical comedy (like Coupling) and well, structured genre fare (like Doctor Who or Jekyll.) I've always wanted to have something that was a perfect blend of his uncanny skill for laughs and his love of science fiction tropes.

Lucky me, I just found The Curse of The Fatal Death, a Comic Relief special Moffat penned awhile back that pokes fun at Who conventions while still making one nostalgic for the show itself. Only Steven Moffat could get Jonathan Pryce to play The Master, and everyone from Rowan Atkinson to Hugh Grant and Joanna Lumley to take turns as The Doctor. It's fucking hilarious.

PART 1




PART 2




BONUS

A special short episode also written by Moffat for Children in Need.

"Watch your back. Something's coming...behind your back..."

There is a misconception about Robert Deniro and Al Pacino. Because of the fact that they both make the same types of films, people tend to assume they have worked together on several occasions. This is not true. There are exactly two films that star both Deniro and Pacino. One being Heat where they share about ten minutes of screen time, the other being The Godfather Part II, where their respective characters exist in different timelines.

Now we can add Righteous Kill to the short list. Written by Inside Man scribe Russell Gerwitz and directed by sometimes-talented helmer Jon Avnet (Boomtown = cool, 88 Minutes = shit.) The movie is very much like the type of New York crime dramas Sidney Lumet and Harold Becker used to make in their sleep, so it's interesting to see what comes of the film.

Deniro and Pacino play two cops who have to stop a murderer from killing other criminals, but, of course, they don't want to because he's just killing bad guys. Here's the first teaser:



Okay, decent, right? Yeah, 50 Cent is in it, the titles and design are made to look like The Departed and they use the somewhat cloying Neptunes remix of "Sympathy For The Devil," but overall, intriguing, no?

Okay, here's the good trailer:



Added some more conflict, a broader idea of the premise, cut 50 and showed more Leguizamo and Donnie Wahlberg and reminded us that the ultra fuckable (and equally talented) Carla Gugino is getting a paycheck and BOOM, instant must-see.

Now, if you really want to appreciate this movie, you have to see this video and re-watch the trailers, trying to keep a straight face. It's a fun game, trust me.



"Moo." "The cow goes Moo. That's what he says."

R.I.P. Sydney Pollack

1934 - 2008



A great artist has been lost.

Hip-Hop On The Horizon

I've been in a sad indie/crazy dance music mood of late and I haven't been fucking with as much hip hop as I usually do. To make up for the absence, here's the lowdown on 4 upcoming projects I'm geeked for.


IDLE WARSHIP



Remember Res? She was a cool, talented, attractive, genre-bending musician before girls like M.I.A. and Santogold started lighting the blogosphere afire. Then she disappeared. Now, she's working on a comeback and has this cool side project going with perpetually underrated but always fantastic in collaboration MC Talib Kweli. It's a lot more fun than Kweli's usual fare, a mixture of dancey beats and twinges of the insight their old backpacker style is usually known for. They even team up with MC Chris for "Screamin" (if you haven't gotten a hold of MC Chris Is Dead then you clearly aren't trying hard enough and can no longer hang out with me. Yes, that is why I ignore you on facebook.)


Idle Warship - Pull It Out
Idle Warship - Fall Back
Idle Warship f. MC Chris - Screamin

COMMON



So, Common's got a new album coming out called Invincible Summer and the first leaked single features Pharrell doing his usual scat/singing and a fun Neptunes beat. Apparently, since Kanye is so busy with the Glow In The Dark tour, the album will be free of West beats, which is both a blessing and a curse. The last time Common released an album where he collaborated with The Neptunes, it was Electric Circus, an genre-bending, mindfuck of an album he is STILL apologizing for. I personally dug the album, but I wonder if he needs to take it back to outer space now that he's firmly ensconced himself into the mainstream.

Common f. Pharrell - Universal Mind Control

RAEKWON THE CHEF



I know alot of people thought that the big Wu comeback album 8 Diagrams wasn't fire enough, and I suppose they're right. After the hype, we all expected grimey, gutter beats that slapped us in the face like bloody sandpaper. Well, lucky us, RZA put away the "hip hop hippie" stylings Rae criticized him for and is coming back with that "tiger style" shit for us. This is probably because the emerging tracks from the eagerly anticipated Only Built 4 Cuban Linx II was started before 8 Diagrams. Either way, Tony Starks and Lex Diamonds are back with that street grit you love.


Raekwon f. Ghostface Killah - Necro
Raekwon f. Ghostface Killah - Jihad

THE COOL KIDS



Look, The Cool Kids fucking rock. You don't need my dilettante ass spewing some fake philosophical shit trying to over intellectualize the return of the boom bap. When their full length debut drops, I might even buy it. In a STORE! For now, cop your fixes.

The Cool Kids - Jingling
The Cool Kids - Stove Top Oven Fresh Baked Goods

Porn Star Vs Indie Songstress: Oi! Oi! Oi!

So, anyone who knows me knows I love English chicks. Maybe it's something about shoddy dental work and an accent that does it for me. This week, we've got two blonde brits who I only chose because they sort of look alike.

ALICIA RHODES VS DUFFY



ALICIA RHODES

I rhink I first saw Ms. Rhodes in a film called "Black In The Saddle" where she did a boy-girl anal scene with Sean Michaels so intense it made MY asshole hurt. What was impressive is that she took it all in stride, claiming she'd been down with the brown eye since she was a "little girl," a quote I'd rather not read too much into.



She's got a lot going for her: natural DD tits, a nice ass, a strange resemblance to former Doctor Who companion Billie Piper. Alicia benefits from what alot of English people do when it comes to talent: she seems a lot smarter and engaging than she probably is. She made a scene in Big Sausage Pizza look actorly, for God's sake. The girl's got skills.



If you want to really understand the force that is Alicia Rhodes, I strongly suggest you do one of two things:

1) do a google image search on "alicia rhodes" and "interracial." You'll be treated to hundreds of candid shots where a nude Alicia is covered in more chocolate than an easter bunny.



2) seek out her girl-girl-boy three way with amazon Egypt and Lexington Steele. Adjectives guaranteed to fail.




DUFFY

I guess she's not that "indie." VH1 does that to street cred. However, she does have a nice voice (she's no Winehouse, but who is?) and she's cute. There isn't a great deal separating her from other newer English soul singers like Estelle, or Adele or even Joss Stone, other than the relentlessly catchy single "Mercy" which I loved even before she did the remix with The Game, but could not get rid of after said remix.



Also, she apparently knows We Are Scientists, which is cool.



Estelle had, in some bullshit interview, backhandedly criticized Duffy for not being a "real" soul artist, but coming from someone who had to fish across the pond and get Kanye and Sa-Ra to help her get radio-play, I don't think she's got oodles of room to talk. Further endearing me to her, Duffy took the swipe well and is as sweet as she looks (or at least has smart PR people.)



Her particular brand of music isn't really soul music anyway. It's dance music with a little more substance, something the world could always do with more of to begin with.

WINNER: It all boils down to whether you want to dance or jerk off.

Duffy f. The Game - Mercy (remix)

What Hast Usher Wrought?

So I just started listening to Here I Stand, Usher's long-awaited new album. I clearly gave him a world of shit when "Love In This Club" leaked, mostly because I expected either a complete reinvention, or something so cloberringly awesome that Justin Timberlake would be crying in the fetal position. That single was neither and, unfortunately, the same must be said about the album.

Which isn't to say it's not good. It's actually very good. On par with, or a at least little bit better than Confessions.(I can't be sure, still need to digest some.) What I can say is that I'm going to stop making fun of him, at least for a little while, and let me tell you something, I had PAGES of material about the interlude where he includes a soundbite of his son crying, but, I'll be the bigger man and only discuss what I like, as the album technically isn't out yet and it'd be nice to generate a little buzz for the man.

Ursh is to be commended for shying away from his usual MJ impersonation and coming more into his own and, rather than pretending he can keep up with the Chris Browns of the world, embracing a more Marvin Gaye-ish maturity. Whether its the aforementioned fatherhood acknowledgment or the tones of the Ne-Yo penned "His Mistakes." It's not a giant leap forward, but it's less of a step back than I imagined.

The album isn't stacked with collaborations, a welcome change in hip hop today. Of the few collabs the only one I don't like is Jeezy's appearance of "Love In This Club" but it's totally redeemed by Weezy and Beyonce popping up on the penultimate track "Love In This Club pt. II" and Jay-Z assisting on "Best Thing."

It's hard to call what the hits might be. Its too early to tell if there's a "Yeah" or "Burn" in this bunch, but my early favorites are "What's Your Name" and "Moving Mountains" from will.i.am and Timbaland, respectively. It has that nice one-two punch of playful, synthy come-on and spare, contemplative lament. Vintage Ush.

This looks like it might be kind of a slow year in the R&B department, so who knows, Usher could be covered in little gold gramophones next February, to say nothing of the millions of potential units to be sold. For now all I can do is nod approvingly and maybe, just maybe, start a solemn slow clap. Well played, Mr. Raymond. We shall see.

Usher f. Jay-Z - Best Thing
Usher - Moving Mountains
Usher f. will.i.am - What's Your Name

BONUS
Omarion f. Usher & Fabolous - Icebox (remix)

Obsessed: Tracks On My Mind

Have you ever had a series of songs stuck in your brain that you barely even fucking liked, but for no real reason they become apart of your consciousness? Yeah, that sort of happened to me this week, and I'm trying to scrub it all out with really bouncy dance music, but it doesn't look to be working.

Here's some sad bastard music to suck on:

Death Cab For Cutie - No Sunlight

I don't have a strong, legit reason for liking this song that much, but I'm just happy it finally knocked "I Will Possess Your Heart" out of my head. That song was as scarily catchy as this one is smooth and digestible. It's Death Cab, not a lot new here, just your average, palatable piece of pop music, but I dig it.

Radiohead - All I Need

I like Radiohead, but I'm more of a The Bends/Pablo Honey kind of guy. All of this post OK Computer, electro-bleepy-bloopy Thom Yorke-The Eraser shit sounds like Philip K. Dick writing a porno about robots fucking. That's not necessarily a criticism, it's just what it feels like to me. This track on In Rainbows was recently used in an anti-child labor music video on MTV but it feels like a dreamy love song, the kind Wong Kar Wai would have in a film and play 12 times until we got the gist.

Amy Milan - I Will Follow You Into The Dark

I blame Matt Breezy for this. If he hadn't started randomly singing "Crooked Teeth" to himself while playing with Rob's brother's guitar and decided to get a Death Cab song from fucking Plans stuck back in my head after all this time, I wouldn't have randomly decided to listen to Stars singer Amy Milan's cover and gotten THAT stuck in my head. Fucking Matt is a fucking Skrull.

Grizzly Bear - Owner of a Lonely Heart

Yes, I like Yes, okay? Yeah, Grizzly Bear covers are fun. Sure, it's sad as hell, but it's called OWNER OF A LONELY HEART. Fuck can you expect?

Scarlett Johansson - Anywhere I Lay My Head

So, I finally let her looks get the best of me and I broke down and downloaded Scarlett's album of Tom Waits covers. On paper, it sounds okay. Hot actress/Woody Allen muse + Dave Sitek producing + Cool Guest Spots = hyped album. The sad part is Scarlett Jo can't sing worth a good goddamn. Sitek's soundscapes are intriguing and make for easy listening, but I would've rather had Miley fucking Cyrus sing these tunes, and that's saying something. Unfortunately, the title track is somewhat haunting and the album at whole begs me to listen to it. I've never listened so much to something I enjoy so little. It's actually sort of pitiful.

Crookers - Lollypop

I downloaded this song because I thought it was going to be a tongue-in-cheek cover of the Lil Wayne hit of the same name, but it's just a random dance jam. You'll need it to wash down the generally sad ennui the other songs have a tendency to foster.

Stuff That Has Me Excited

1) Love Is All Covers EP



Josephine and Co. are putting out an EP full of cover songs. Stereogum has a track listing and more information, but the band's myspace has the first track, a killer cover of Prince's "Darling Nikki." I don't want to say its better than the Foo Fighters' cover, but it is definitely different. A nice salvo to sate you until their new LP drops.

2) Eagle Eye



I still haven't gotten around to watching Disturbia because, in all honesty, I don't need to. There's just certain pop cultural phenomenons you can understand without having to experience firsthand. Someone remaking Rear Window with the guy who directed The Salton Sea, the guy who wrote Red Eye and Shia Lebeuf is one of them.

I knew Hollywood was going to follow up that surprising success by seeing how else they can make Hitchcock more palatable to Generation Y. I, myself, spent some time working on a Vertigo update I was gonna shop to Shia, but apparently DJ Caruso and co. have done one better with their follow-up Eagle Eye, a film based on an old Spielberg script that homages the "wrong man" genre Hitchcock so lovingly gave birth to. It's like North By Northwest with explosions. I definitely think it's going to be worth a view, and releasing it in late August is perfect as it will have little to no box office competition. You go, "Beef."



3) David Goyer and Justin Marks' Supermax



I gave DC and Warner Bros. a load of shit for not stepping their game up in the comic book adaptation racket, but they look like they may be recovering nicely. David Goyer (of the Blade films and Batman Begins) teamed with up-and-coming screenwriter Justin Marks to pen a new kind of superhero movie, Supermax.

The film is basically going to be a Green Arrow movie, which I thought would be cool enough. It'll have GA's origin and all that shit, but instead of the typical "pretend one of his rogues is strong enough to be the film's antagonist" route that most b-level superheroes go for, they're setting the film in a prison full of supervillains after GA is framed for murder. It's like OZ, with superpowers.

Latino Review has a review of the script and details. I feel a nerdgasm coming on. I know they mention Matt Damon as a potential lead, but if they do that it's only to try and one up Marvel. The real lead should be Josh Holloway, from Lost.



Sawyer would totally own as Oliver Queen.

4) Steven Moffat is New Doctor Who Showrunner



Russell T. Davies (of the original Queer As Folk) did a fine job of updating the world's longest running science fiction series for new audiences and pleasing old fans. Four seasons of awesomeness so far and I couldn't think of anyone better to run the show. Well, until Steven "I created Coupling and Jekyll and I write the best episodes of Who and I'm awesome" Moffat got chosen to take-over.

Moffat was responsible for two of the best Who stories since the revamp, "The Empty Child"/"The Doctor Dances" two-parter and "Blink." The only thing more awesome than him taking over the show is that Steven Spielberg (!!!) is about to start shooting his Tintin adaptation. Life is good.

5) Beck and Danger Mouse Team Up



I haven't always been the biggest Beck fan, though I do like pretty much his entire discography. I just can't say I've ever been amped for one of his releases. Now, however, that he is working with uber-producer Danger Mouse (Gnarls Barkley, Dangerdoom, The new Black Keys record, The Grey Album) and attempting to create a 60s brit rock vibe, I am ready for an eargasm.

Beck.com is streaming the first song (or part of a song, w/e) from the upcoming, as-yet-untitled album, called "Chemtrails." I dare you not to like this song. I double dare ya! Say "I don't want to purchase or at least illegally download Beck's new album," motherfucker! Say it one more time!